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Published: March 16th 2008
Auckland - Waiheke Island - Cathederal Cove - Hot Water Beach - Whangamata - Wentworth Valley - Wainui River - Tauranga - Rotorua - Waikite Valley - Orakei Korako - Tongariro National Park - Wanganui - Upper Hutt - Wellington - Martinborough - Wellington - Picton - Motueka - Saint Arnaud (Kerr’s Bay) - Kaikoura - Sheffield (the best pies in NZ!) - Arthur’s Pass - Hokitika - Franz Josef Glacier - Fox Glacier - Wanaka - Queenstown - Te Anau - Milford Sound - The Divide - Invercargill - Okawa - Pounawea - Nugget Point - Dunedin - Moeraki (Katiki Point) - Oamaru - Timaru - Rakaia Gorge - Christchurch - Auckland When writing blogs I have always tried to refrain from using the incredibly boring phrase “and then we”. Used frequently, it turns blogs into the stuff of primary school diaries: “we went to the park and then we went to the shops and then I fell over and then Daddy beat me with a stick”.
But there comes a time when searching for the words to describe a truly epic, action packed journey or event can only be captured either between the covers of a massive
novel (which takes time, patience and the ability to write) or, thanks to the marvel of the words “then” and “and”, between the compacting, understating and hugely repetitive statement “and then”.
Just look at what it did for the Bible. And then God created Light. And then God created heaven. And then God created earth. Thanks to “and then”, the really boring story of the creation of everything was squashed into a couple of paragraphs. The fact that God took fifteen attempts, several pots of coffee and a Biscuit Boost before he finally got an earth he “saw was good” is neatly swept under the carpet by “and then”.
So here for you is the story of what happened when we took Vikki’s parents for a four week, whirlwind holiday tour of New Zealand, paraphrased for the benefit of my writing hand and your attention span thanks to the wonder that is “and then”:
Meet the Parents… We picked up Joan and Kerr (Mum and Dad) from Auckland airport at about 4am (that means in the morning), which was actually great because it gave us an opportunity to go and shake glass recycling bins outside bin
Trees at Sunset, Kaikoura
Possibly fig trees.
That's unconfirmed.men’s houses for a while to see how they liked it…
…and then we… …slept like babies for hours; though if Kerr had been a baby we’d have been reported to Auckland’s social services because no matter how hard we shook him he wouldn’t come round and just dribbled on his pillow for 36 hours straight…
…and then we… …thought about sitting in the hot water at the imaginatively named “Hot Water Beach” but decided that it didn’t look as relaxing as billed thanks in part to the mob of energetic shovel handed tour bus types, guilt free pee-in-the-bath kids and a general lack of enthusiasm for sharing a sand hole full of hot water with sweaty travellers…
…and then we… …childishly accused each other of farting as we visited the sulphury, mud bubbling town of Rotorua, famous for its volcanic activity and the lesser known world record set by Robbie and Kerr for the most productive and fastest leaflet haul in a single Tourist Office…
…and then we… …joined the queue at the Tongariro Crossing - the most spectacular (but busy) one day walk in the world - highlights of which
The Look - Te Papa, Wellington
Sometimes it's not the husband you need to be scared of... include: watching inappropriately dressed people emptying volcanic dust out of their stilettos, guessing who’ll be next to lose their hat in a strong gust and watching the faces of the girls who’ve queued for 20 minutes as they discover what it means to enter the world’s busiest drop-toilet…
…and then we… …met a bloke at our campsite in Wellington who had been kicked out of Australia for whinging too much, who’d just served an undisclosed amount of time in a New Zealand prison for an undisclosed crime (though I suspect it was “Aggravated Whinging” or “Intent to Cause Boredom by Being Excessively Depressing”) and had lost favour with the entire town of Martinborough, home of his now ex-wife…
…and then we… …pitched our tent at Motueka in the glorious sunshine, watched a mad woman doing yoga behind all the trees in the park, ate sausages that the next morning brought back memories or Rotorua and were wowed by the seals on the Abel Tasman coast…
…and then we… …were quite impressed by the seals on the way to Kaikoura - but not as impressed as we were by the kiddie’s trampoline’s on the campsite
Killed by The Slowest Avalanche Ever, Fox Glacier
Oh No! Lots of Compacted Snow charging unstoppably towards us at a speed of up to 1 metre a day!!
Nooooooooooooooooooooo...
oooooooo.......
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
(Six years later)
...ooooooooo!!!
Ow. which caused such hilarity that we could have just stopped the trip there and all gone home with incredibly fun, bouncy memories of pushing six year olds out of the way and leaping like loonies before the grown-up’s told us our tea was ready…
…and then we… …didn’t see Arthur’s Pass due to the inclement weather but were fortunate enough to be treated to the just as impressive road bridge which is apparently a feat of engineering like no other in New Zealand. The excitement was bladder loosening and we all slept well that night knowing that particular world wonder was off the tick list, let me tell you…
…and then we… …listened to Joan’s hypothesis on why the cows and sheep in New Zealand look younger and healthier than those in Scotland…
…and then we… …cracked into smiles as, having taken our photographs of Mount Cook and the Glaciers at “Reflection Lake”, a bloke removing his trousers barged his way through the gaggle of camera happy tourists snapping the stunningly symmetrical view and dived head first into the perfectly still, mirror lake. The ripples of disapproval reached right across the lake…
…and then we…
…marvelled at Milford Sound; the awe inspiring dramatic majesty of the mountains and fjords surpassed only by the bounty of cut price $1 sandwiches left over on the boat by the posh cruise before ours. We left the Sound, soaking wet (thanks to the weather and an excursion under a waterfall), bowled over by the scenery and with a doggy bag of rich peoples leftovers. Truly heaven is a place on earth.
Oh, and the seals were OK…
…and then we… …took a family trip to the Vehicle Inspection centre at Invercargill (highly recommended - not well marked on most tourist maps and fun for everyone) to get the car it’s mandatory WOF (Warrant of Fitness - equivalent to an MOT). We all crowded into the small waiting area to listen as an aging and noticeably twitchy lorry driver kept his composure and graciously accepted the news that he’d need to provide a medical certificate in order to renew his heavy goods vehicle license. Like a scene from an Agatha Christie book, after he’d left the room, shutting the door carefully behind him, we heard the light crunch of his footsteps followed by a loud
Water Rush, Hot Water Beach
The experience sounds great - but this is the side of it the brochures don't show you. Only a small area of the beach actually sits on the hot spring. shrill howl…
…and then we… …watched the rare and tiny Hector Dolphins in the deserted Curio Bay, but maintained our British stiff upper lip and refrained from tearing off our clothes and diving into the sea with them - which is exactly what we should have done and is exactly what three girls further up the beach did. I was caught in a mixture of emotions. Should I take my trousers off and run into the sea in my pants, potentially emotionally scarring half naked girls and rare dolphins? Or should I be photographing rare dolphins at risk of being accused of being a pervert by half naked girls? Or should I just stand and watch half naked girls and rare dolphins and imagine what it would be like to swim with them … I mean with the dolphins…? So I did the latter. Damn my political correctness.
…and then we… …nearly crashed the car laughing when Joan randomly stated “how nice it was that she hadn’t had to share a sink”(?!)…
…and then we… …drove to Dunedin to find that it was nothing like Edinburgh other than a crudely stolen street layout and
Bubblin' Mud, Rotorua
It's grey, it's hot and it's smelly - but enough about my walking socks! (ho ho hardy ha... hum...) some copied street names. Unfortunately, everywhere in Dunedin was full (or at least that’s what we were told) so we had to bypass it and drive 90km north to Oamaru before we found a tent pitch under some washing lines beside a camp kitchen full with a group of the hyperactive, screeching parents of an equally irritating junior swimming team. As I lay awake listening to their squawking, I cruelly hoped they were a synchronised swimming team and that the leader got cramp…
…and then we… …camped the next night at the speculative little town of Pounawea at a strange campsite which was made all the more humorous by a bumbling, fuzzy faced, half stripped Spanish bloke trying to have a shower in the ultra darkness of the bizarrely black painted toilet block - a feat made all the more daring by the slippery, flooded concrete bathroom floor. When I pointed out that there was a light switch he looked ready to cry.
By this point all the seals were getting tedious.
…and then we… …went to Christchurch Art Gallery where there were no seals but if there had been, they would have been better
Postcard Shot, Wellington
Every tourist shop in Wellington sells postcards of this image - however, mine is different because a) it's raining and b) there are people playing cricket. Now you're interested. entertainment than the stuff the gallery passes off as art. Nice building though.
…and then we… …said an emotional farewell to Mr Swanky Pants (the car) at the Airport Car Storage place, as we prepared to fly back to Auckland and bid an equally sad farewell to Joan and Kerr (aka Mum and Dad). As we handed over the keys to the guy from the storage company Vikki’s chin wobbled with emotion, but she knew that shutting her Mum and Dad in the crate they arrived in was almost certainly the cheapest option for getting them home.
There were very few seals to report in Auckland and none at the airport - which was nice.
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Eggs on Legs
Al, Shaz & Beth
whale watch...
Glad you managed to get to see the whales at Kaikoura. we tried three times and each time the sailing was cancelled due to 'extreme weather' of bright clear sunshine resulting in very calm seas. For this read 'the tour wasn't sold out so lets wait til the next one does before we chuck a boat out! Also as I recall it peed down when we went to Milford Sound too...... I see a pattern forming. BTW - mental.... but Swaino has left a comment for you on our blog. Enjoy yourselves - its later than you think. Sxxx.