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Published: January 30th 2013
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Left side of the plane
First glimpse of Bora Bora I didnt actually mean to go to Bora Bora, and to be honest, wasnt looking forward to it. Its never been on my list, it looks pretty in pictures, but id always imagined it to be what its marketed as..a honeymooners couples retreat romantic destination with very little to do except sit around and get a tan in between post nuptual trysts. Im astonished at the words i found to describe that rather than reverting to the aussie bogun and saying..everyone bonks on Bora Bora.
Firstly, you get Lei'd on arrival. Then when you arrive at your ridiculously expensive and ridiculously beautiful hotel you get a blow job. Im sure the islanders and the hoteliers know theres a certain amount of innuendo there and its not just me with a dirty mind. Flying into Bora Bora is a Heh! I am Alive and I am cooler than the rest of the worlds population moment. All travel advise is sit on the left side of the plane for best views, which most of the plane does, including the tres chic little poodles on the plane with some French residents. You can almost pick the resort staffers returning to work,
they sit on the right side of the plane to balance it out a bit. I had stupidly ended up with a 7am flight which meant a 5am check out and cab to the airport and arriving on Bora Bora at 8.00am with check in time being 2.30pm.
Not to worry, this is Bora Bora and Id ended up choosing the Sofitel due mainly to a cheap booking via an online agency. Its an icon showing its age but they know how to do tourist well, which is why you get lei'd and a blow job. At the airport their representative drapes beautiful scented tiare flower leis with some wierd plastic chickenfeet looking things that I decided not to try eating and herald your arrival at the resort after a $80 boat transfer from the airport with the blowing of a conch shell.
I did it, what everyone who goes to Bora Bora does...looked around going this is
impossibly beautiful. This cannot be real. The colours really are that colourful it makes you wonder how many shades of blue and green Bora Bora can possibly come up with. The milky way is above you
and perfectly clear from the deck of your overwater bungalow. I spent every moment going..dont blink, dont miss a second of this.
I had originally booked at the Sofitel Private Island but found it was like a scene from the movie couples retreat, which had been filmed at the St Regis..another reason I didnt go there and I also couldnt justify $2600 a night. Ever. Anywhere. A bed is a bed. If I ever marry someone really cool like Johnny Depp or Samuel L Jackson, I will have my honeymoon there and you can read about it in womans day magazine. The sofitel has an interesting history..the mainland sofitel, within kayaking distance from the private island was built in the 70s by Dino De Laurentis to house Mia Farrow and the cast of the movie Hurricane, which was filmed here. The private island is regarded by polynesians and locals to be haunted, and it really just didnt feel.....me. I felt like i was stuck in a romantic drama directed by Barbara Cartland with the entertainment director straight out of the 70s show the love boat. Sure it was beautiful, but it was too secluded and isolated. A
japanese movie star with a whole medical team and security took over the island and commandeered the spa centre for his dialysis machine so I opted to flip over to the mainland Sofitel and am glad I did.
I got my overwater bungalow. Everyone should do this once in their life. To be honest, theres no great view of the sea from the glass in the coffee table due to reflection and the fact water through glass will always look like water through glass. I prefered to hang out on the ladder of the bungalow leading from the deck into the ocean and found i had a couple of baby blacktip reef sharks living below me. I christened them Ferdinand and Amanda. Ferdinand ended up being quite a bold and happy little shark and i did the absolutely wrong thing and fed him everything from cakes to cheese. By the time i checked out 4 days later he had gotten so used to me he peeled the silver piping off my thongs/flipflops while i was sitting with my feet in the water. In retrospect...i guess you have to have built a relationship and trust with your shark before you
let him start peeling away at your feet..regardless of being cute, he still has razor sharp teeth. Oh so you got bitten by a shark diving tipuata pass? nah, bitten by a shark sitting on the ladder of my bungalow feeding him patisseries.
As I had arrived hours before check in time the Sofitel has a transit room so you can shower and sleep while your bungalow is prepared. After completing the check in process with a cocktail and towel to refresh I hit the transit room and changed into one of my three bikinis i had bought especially for this trip and headed for the pool. I grabbed a towel from the pool guy, who became a true friend over the next few days and will stay a friend, dived into the little infinity pool and went for a swim. In Bora Bora. 2013 is lookin pretty damn fine.
After checking into my actual bungalow I had a sleep and walked up to the marche and bought some brie and juice and crackers and chocolates..in french..badly, but i managed it. I was very proud of myself. One thing I noticed on the walk
Sofitel Private Island
Too honey moony for me. to the marche was there is no litter, no open sewers, no people asking you to buy anything. You are walking past peoples homes not shops and they all give you a smile. Like most island Bora Bora has only one road so you cant really get lost.
I was tired so headed back to the hotel for the obligatory dinner with polynesian dancing show..yes, how touristy of me..but it was easy and I adopted the attitude why the hell not im in the south pacific living my life so im going to do it all. Before dinner I sat on the deck of the bungalow and watched eagle rays come in to play and couldnt believe how easy it was to see them through the turquiose waters. Even if there was a bloody annoying beer bottle and kids shoe down there which i removed because every time i looked down they pissed me off. What is wrong with people..theres no litter, your beer falls off your deck and you cant even be bothered moving your lazy arse to get it but your happy to spoil the paradise you paid a fortune to see?. I dont get it.
Sofitel Pool
Lagoon is full of sad looking coral and sea urchins so not the best for swimming in. I watched the eagle rays playing around until the sun was almost gone and headed up for dinner and the polynesian dance show. Which wa a polynesian dance show. With lots of hip shaking and not enough fire twirling but what there was was impressive. The food was ok, nothing spectacular, but spectacularly expensive.
I had dinner, headed back to my bungalow, pulled the lounger out from under the grass thatched roof and further out onto the deck so i could stare up at the stars and the milky way. Of course, Bora Bora has to be beautiful above too, and I saw three shooting stars. I kept saying to myself...you are really here, this is really happening and you made it after all. I finally dragged myself inside after staring at the sky and occasionally the water as something would splash around or break the surface and fell into a deep satisfied sleep in a big soft comy bed with beautiful linen.
I woke up at 5am the next morning to witness the most beautiful sunset. Bora Bora, you are beautiful bebe.
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Glad you didn't eat that Cindy!!!
This plant belongs to the family Solanaceae which you will no doubt recall also contains the 'deadly nightshade' plant. While this plant isn't deadly poisonous, it will certainly send you on one hell of a trip. It's Latin name is Solanum mammosum and it is more commonly known as the 'Titty fruit' or 'Cow's udder'.