365 ÷ (Occasionally Bob) = ...

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…ZERO: Which is the number of flights we’ve taken in a year of travelling. Not only that, but it’s the number of days we’ve been in employment in the last 12 months. It’s also the chances of me ever finding employment again (other than as an extra in a remake of “Oliver”) if I don’t buy some new clothes, have a bath and cut my hair (for further consequences of long hair, refer to TEN).
Zero is also the results of Vik’s breathalyser tests on the two occasions we were stopped by Australian police (I meanwhile was bouncing in my seat, singing, clapping my hands and feeling the warm glow of several early afternoon rums).

…ONE: Is the number of internet cafes we’ve spent the night in (it should be noted that this particular internet café in Kyoto also had the best shower we’ve had all year). It’s the number of elephants we rode on, and more than likely, the last elephant Vik will choose to ride on after it attempted to murder her (See previous blog, “Watching My Wife Get Crushed By An Elephant”). It is also the number of cars we have purchased and then destroyed by forgetting to put the oil cap back on, thus melting the engine and resulting in a bill not far from the actual value of the car (see TWO THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY SEVEN). Oddly enough you may have noticed that the number ONE is full of experiences that will more than likely remain in the “ONE” column of my spreadsheets for the remainder of our travels (ie never to be repeated).

…TWO: We WWOOF’ed twice. That may sound like some sort of bizarre canine related party event, but it is infact Willing Workers on Organic Farms. It was one of the highlights of the year. We had an amazing time with Koji and Masako at Arinko Farm (see blog “Chopin in a Shed”) and with Morioka and family at Ujaama Farm (see blog “The Rules of Beechgrove Garden”). If you do go WWOOFing in Japan - just prepare to eat a lot of daikon (it's a vegetable which can be eaten in a million different ways but none of which make it particularly tasty).

…THREE: Is the magic number. Yes it is, it’s the magic number… unless you hate spending the night on a bus. We’ve done three overnight buses this year and though they were all hideous and smelly in their own way, the award for most terrifying journey of the year goes to the overnight bus journey from Kunming to Hekou on the Chinese border with Vietnam. Next time we buy a bus ticket in China we’ll be making sure that the price of the ticket not only means that the bus company provide the driver and the bus, but also that they go some way to ensure that there is actually a road. Most of the night was spent sitting up in our bunks staring at where the dirt track disappeared off a cliff, guessing at what point the bus was going to tip over. Real bouncy, vomit inducing fun.

…TEN: Was the time on a Sunday morning in the bakery section of Coles supermarket in Port Macquarie when I was approached by a man of very little brain and asked if I knew where he might procure some “yandies”. I didn’t know what “yandies” were. He became edgy when my voice became louder as I asked him what “yandies” were. “They’re a cross between an apple and an orange”, he told me. Then he ran away. I Googled “yandies” and as far as I understand it he was trying to get hold of a set of stamps commemorating the life of Shennongshi Yandi - one of the ancestors of the Chinese nation and a founder of farming culture. Either that or marijuana. You decide.

…ELEVEN: Is the percentage of our Malaysian budget spent on transport - the lowest of any country; probably because most of our Malaysian budget was spent on a little bit of splurge accommodation at the excellent Bubbles Dive Centre in the Perhentian Islands. Still, with our Malaysian expenditure working out at only 25.71 GBP a day (for both of us), Malaysia was our 3rd cheapest country behind Cambodia (20.89 GBP per day) and the incredibly cheap, Vietnam (18.55 GBP per day). Did I mention how much of a nerd I am?

…THIRTEEN: The number of countries we’ve visited if you don’t include countries we only travelled through without stopping (that being Belarus and Mongolia).

…SIXTEEN: Is approximately the age of the drunk Russian soldier in Moscow who tried to kick me but ended up falling over, only to be caught by his friends. The military have a high presence in Moscow, marching or, more often than not - staggering - their way through the crowds with their really silly large hats on. How on earth the designer of such a ridiculous hat got the job of supplier to the Russian military is mind boggling and to be fair to the young drunk who lashed out at me, if I had to wear a hat that silly, I’d be drinking a lot of Vodka too.

…TWENTY: This number is our secret shame. But since no-one reads these things I’ll let you devoted readers in on our shameful little travel secret… it’s the number of times we’ve visited McDonald’s. But it gets worse… 11 KFC’s, 5 Burger Kings and, as fate would have it - 20 pizza’s. However, before you get all judgemental and start with the Wide Load jokes and Fatty Bum Bum’s, let me tell you that 20 is also the number of kilo’s I’ve lost since leaving Edinburgh and is around about the weight of each of our rucksacks - so the number of McD’s we’ve eaten is directly proportional to the amount of energy we need to keep moving. Plus, to those anti-capitalists out there, fear not: we didn’t enjoy doing it and always remarked on how small the burgers were and how poorly the staff were paid. And I always left the hand dryer running a bit longer to run up their electricity bills. And we stole Tomato Sauce sachets. Sometimes two at a time.

…TWENTY-THREE: We have now stayed in 23 dormitory rooms and been through three sets of ear plugs. Obviously earplugs are only for emergency situations, but we have met some world beating snorers on our travels. Farters too. And it’s always when you leave the damn plugs right at the bottom of your rucksack rather than in your “night-time” bag that you find you’re sharing a room with someone whose breathing or flatulence is on a par with a set of bagpipes.

…THIRTY: How much does it cost to pay off a bent copper? In Cambodia it’s $30. I had the pleasure of being harassed for this sum of cash by Tourist Police official, Kim Soophoanriddh (named and shamed!). Apparently, producing police reports for stolen cameras (which we needed for the insurance claim) can be a lengthy business - usually lasting longer than your Visa is likely to last - unless of course you slide $30 across the table. Then the process goes from 30 days to 30 minutes. He went to great lengths to conceal his extra source of income from his colleagues. He wrote the figure down on a piece of scrap paper and handed it to me. I didn’t bite. So he asked all his colleagues to leave the room before asking me to empty my pockets. Fortunately, I’d anticipated this move and while he’d been asking his buddies to leave, I’d moved all but $10 in small change from my pocket into my sock. He wasn’t impressed but I’d stalled so much that he’d started the report and accepted that $10 was all he was going to get.

…NINETY-FIVE: Is the number of train journeys we have amassed in a year. Of course, the stars of the railway world are the Japanese Bullet trains - and they never failed to make me “wow” and check my watch or lament the service we get from the rail networks in the UK. And obviously, the journey that sticks most in mind is without doubt the five and a half days from Moscow to Beijing aboard the Trans-Mongolian (see blog “Devils Loo Roll & Howard’s Way”). However, I’d like to give a quick mention to my favourite rail journey - the Bamboo Train in Battambong. Whizzing along a railway track on a Bamboo tray powered by an outboard engine is immense fun and should be experienced by all. There was no trolley service on board, but it was efficient and I’d love to see them introduced as commuter trains in Edinburgh. The best part though was when we met oncoming traffic. There’s no such thing as signal failure here. Everybody just gets off, they lift the tray off its wheels, take the wheels off the track and let the more heavily laden “train” pass. I want one in my garden (if I had a garden).

…TWO THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY SEVEN: The number of Australian dollars spent repairing a car we should have scrapped (see ONE). Approximately the number of tears we spilled on the mechanics office floor as he ran through the bill. Also, the number of expletives used when we discovered in Phnom Penh that someone had nicked our camera and mobile phone.

…ELEVEN THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED AND TWENTY-NINE: Our final Australian kilometre tally. In doing so we burnt 961.73 litres of Unleaded fuel at an average cost of $1.334 per litre. We also burnt out the engine (see TWO THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY SEVEN and ONE) and to top it off, I broke the seatbelt. (Please note that the breaking of the seatbelt was not related in any way to over indulgence previously alluded to in TWENTY).

…FOUR MILLION: Is, according to the Travelblog World Facts section, the population of our next destination - New Zealand. We leave at midnight on 2nd September aboard the Hansa Rensburg and should arrive, a little greener, a little paler and stinking of ginger (sea sickness remedy), on or around the 8th of September. We plan to stay in New Zealand for the next 365 days. Watch this space.

But before we bid you adieu, here's the final Dear Diary installment from our Aussie Road trip:

Dear Diary...

Day 41 - Coober Pedy - Port Augusta 7661km
Nowt to report really. The day will forever be marked by our failure to put on the oil cap after filling up the engine. Bet these things never happened to Sam from Quantum Leap. Wonder where we can get one of those funky time machine doofers...

Day 42 - Port Augusta - Adelaide 7982km
A sad day indeed. I drove off without my flip flops - my best friends for almost a year. Budget travelling without flip flops is ill advised. Flip flops make the world seem a better, cleaner place.

Day 43 & 44 - Adelaide
Adelaide is a lovely city. The central market is possibly one of the nicest food markets in the world. The library gives you an hour of free internet access every day. The art gallery is free and full of diverse and interesting pieces. The YHA on Waymouth Street is possibly the best hostel ever.

Day 45 - Adelaide - Tanunda 8074km
The prospect of wine and cheese had been looming for a few days. We pitched the tent and then headed straight to work. It's a tough life.

Day 46 & 47 - Tanunda
Wine and cheese makes Vik and Bob happy campers. Literally.

Day 48 - Tanunda - Murray Bridge 8305km
It was windy. The campsite was empty. We left the next morning.

Day 49 - Murray Bridge - Mount Gambier 8728km
The weather got worse (Scotlandinthemiddleofwinter-esque). We abandoned the tent and blew our budget on an onsite cabin. The nice lady upgraded us to an ensuite so we didn't have to go outside to the loo. I nearly cried with happiness. Camping and driving may have been taking their toll on my sanity.

Day 50 - Mount Gambier - Portland 9001km
Weather stepped up to Scotlandinthemiddleoffreakwinterstorms. We stayed in an onsite caravan which was cheap as chips and kind of groovy. Perhaps caravaners aren't such a weird set of bods afterall, they are just stuck in a smug satisfied state of mind that they are holidaying with all the comforts of home cunningly packed into a small box on wheels...

Day 51 - Portland - Port Campbell 9217km
Ah, the Great Ocean Road. Flippin amazing. The weather was horrific but I think that made it even more spectacular. The skin on my face was in agony for a week afterwards from all the wind and salt. Next time I'll be sure to pack my Hannibal Lechter style face mask for protection from the elements.

Day 52 - Port Campbell - Geelong 9406km
Apparently the Minogues are from somewhere near Geelong. That is not why we stopped there although I think if we'd known at the time, Robbie may have insisted that we go looking for Dannii.

Day 53 - Geelong - Melbourne 9498km
The fateful day we found out we'd pretty much killed the car. Peter - our local friendly mechanic - eyes lit up when he saw the potential for extorting large amounts of cash from some naive idiots. We will never, ever, ever forget to put the oil cap back on again.

Day 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61 - Melbourne
We spent much of our time in Melbourne waiting for the aforementioned Peter to work his magic and put our car back together again. One small consolation on the car front was that mechanics in Australia are friendly while they are fleecing you for every last penny.

Day 62 - Melbourne - Gundagai 10,084km
An overnight stop on our way to Sydney. Of little note other than the fact that the campsite owners had a strange dog which kept trying to sit on their cat's face. Weird.

Day 63 - Gundagai - Sydney 10,567km
We stopped in at Canberra enroute to see their parliament. They have free parking underneath the building and do free 30 minute tours of the interior. It was pretty interesting and we even popped in to the House of Senators to watch them do their stuff. There was a poor bloke making a speech on the state of music education in Australian schools. None of the other 3 senators was listening to him and happily munched on sandwiches and rearranged their pencils instead. It led me to wondering if this may be one of the reasons that Darren Hayes is the biggest Australian music export to the world in some years.

Day 64 & 65 - Sydney
The Sydney Harbour Bridge and Opera House were our main port of call. The bridge was much more imposing, gothic and impressive but the Opera House was a lot smaller and scruffier than we had expected. It's weird how some things are really photogenic and others are not.

Day 66 - Sydney - Port Macquarie 11,042km
The race was on to get back to Brisbane to sell the car. I got cramp in my bum from sitting in the one position driving too long. If ever you plan to drive around Australia, make sure any companions can drive so that you can take shots each. And make sure you have a good supply of music as the radio is rubbish. Except for Hamish and Andy on Triple J (I think) who I have a large crush on and will miss more than is acceptable for a grown (sort of) woman who shouldn't get crushes on semi famous people anymore.

Day 67 - Port Macquarie - Brisbane 11,629km
We made it and we promise never to do another diary of day by day events again. It's boring for you and it's boring for us but we felt that once we'd started we had to do the whole shebang. It makes my appreciation for Bridget Jones all the greater. Speaking of which I finally got to see Music and Lyrics (there's a Hugh Grant connection in there just in case you couldn't see the link). I had high expectations as the trailers I had seen when we were in Bangkok insinuated that Depeche Mode were featured to some degree and as many of you will know, a Hugh Grant/Depeche Mode combination is something akin to paradise in my sad mind... I'm wittering. I'll stop. Shortly. It was bad. So bad. So, so bad... Ok I'll stop now.

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Photos

Bay of Islands, Great Ocean Road, Victoria
A few weeks and we'll be crossing this water on our way to Auckland. I feel ill. They don't call this "Shipwreck Coast" for nothing.

Sydney Opera House & Harbour Bridge, Sydney, NSW
The classic view. Photoshop free.

Ya Choob, Manly Beach, Nr Sydney
We got the surfing lingo right away. Dude. Vik was telling everyone she wanted to see a Tube - apparently that particular brand of wave is called a "Barrel". Man.
It's not me in the photo by the way. Strangely enough, Vik, who had taken relatively few photos on our trip thus far, decided that now - in the presence of some buff Aussie surfers - would be a good time to start snapping. Narly.

I Heard Nothing on this Grape Vine, Nr Tanunda, Barossa Valley, SA
She bears her fruits so that we may drink of her goodness. Her name is Shiraz - let her be your saviour; for she shall make you happy and never question you. Amen.

Which One Haven't We Tried?, Peter Lehmans Winery, Barossa Valley, SA
We managed about 10 wineries in our visit to the Barossa Valley.
The awkwardness of the first (what are we supposed to do? How does this work?) was quickly put aside after the first few tastings. "Just start at the top of the list and work your way down" is what the lady told us. So we did. Only some of the wineries have quite large lists - Jacobs Creek must have had 50ish wines to try...
These were truly difficult times.

Richmond Grove Winery, Barossa Valley, SA
This was winery number... 4 (ish). As you can see we stuck to the basic line the bottles up - swill, sniff, slurp and swallow principle. I should also mention the cheese boards. Mmmm.
Despite it being winter, the nights in the Barossa were never cold and we always slept brilliantly.

Big Lobster, Kingston, SA
Still not as big as some of the crabs I saw in the bathrooms at the Gecko's Rest hostel in Mackay.

Bob in a Sinkhole, Mount Gambier, SA
Mount Gambier is built above various limestone caverns and caves that collapse every so often. I'd hate to try insuring a house around here.

Mount Schank, Nr Mount Gambier, SA
Very windy crater with corking views to the Ocean.

The Blue Lake, Mount Gambier, SA
Famous for having a lake in a volcano crater that turns a vivid blue during the summer, we were suprised to find during the winter that the blue lake is... a vivid blue.
On the rim of the crater you can see Mount Schank in the background (I know - the excitement was too much for me too).

Blow Holes, Cape Bridgewater, Victoria
What happens, right, is waves trap air in a cave or hole which forces its way out quickly shooting water into the air. It was so incredibly blustery on this particular day that thick layers of salt formed on my spectacles making photography almost impossible. The picture does it no justice. Even the car was white and it was parked 500m from the sea.

Petrified Forest, Cape Bridgewater, Victoria
We both argue about what created these formations. There was a sign there that told us - but we both remember it saying different things. I'm sticking with my Fraggles story though.

Picturesque Port Fairy, Victoria
The sky opened up and it pee'd down on us all day except for one moment when the clouds suddenly disappeared and the sun shone briefly on the beach...
...it was perfect...
And then it turned grey as quick as it had turned blue and the camera went back in the pocket as the rain fell.

Cave and Water, Great Ocean Road, Victoria
It had some ridiculous name like "Porky Pete's Passage" or "Crazy Cooks Cave". Its a hole in some rock with the sea belting through it every so often.

London Bridge, Great Ocean Road, Victoria
It used to be a double arch but in nineteen ninety something an overweight tourist caused the collapse of the first arch, stranding himself, his wife and a large pile of muffins on the second arch. In the song London Bridge fell down. You see what they did there? Clever thinking.

The Twelve Apostles, Great Ocean Road, Victoria
The Twelve Pete Postlethwaites are now only really about seven or eight Postlethwaites due to vandalism and theft. The remaining Postles look scared and edgy.

Cape Otway Lighthouse, Victoria
Cool lighthouse with beardy bloke at the top telling off kids for messing about on the ladder. Check out the alien space craft emerging from the abyss.

Balls and Lamps, Melbourne, Victoria
Here I am in massive Melbourne at the Pixar exhibition. The makers of Toy Story and A Bugs Life are good - but pale in comparison to Studio Ghibli or even Studio Occasionally Bob. That's right - look out for the new animated OB series, premiering in The Peoples Republic of Rejeckistan next Tuesday.

Good Crack in Melbourne, Victoria
Before he was a Crack Master, Nigel was just a Crack Apprentice.
The position of Crack Master is much like that of a Jedi Master. George Lucas did play with the possibilty of using Crack's instead of Jedi's but felt that Crack Mind Tricks didn't sound right and couldn't bring himself to have his Cracks feeling the Force.

Comments

[Olivers Travels]

Yandies
Hello, I stumbled upon your blog and thought I'd let you know that I really enjoyed reading it. I love your style of writing. A funny blog is a good blog I always say, and yours had me laughing. I thought I should point out as an Australian (with a brain) - the guy who accosted you in Coles in Pt Macquarie would have been asking for 'Mandies', slang for Mandarins, which are just like little oranges. Learn something new every day eh? Keep it up

[Jordan]

Yandi
Yandi is green