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Published: November 30th -0001
I've written something just for you guys, because I really appreciate your time listening to me rant about careers, and, hopefully, supporting my new sport blog. I enjoyed writing it, and I want to write more travel/observational/fun stuff, so your ideas, requests and suggestions would be much appreciated.
Before we start though, and I know, I'm so predictable, but please have a look at this week's two entries:
www.sportisglobal.blogspot.com
Thank you! Now you may proceed, to FIVE things about Australia - I think you'll find that's more than enough:
Driving
We drive on the left here, so it's basically the same and nice and easy to adjust, right? Right? Wrong! Where to start with life on the road in Melbourne? The famous trams, of course! No, I didn't know Melbourne was famous for trams either. They dominate the city though, and are responsible for a driving experience to rival the fear of being a moped passenger in Vietnam or negotiating the Arc de Triomphe at rush hour, namely The Hook Turn. It basically involves getting over into the left hand lane at a crossroads, and waiting. Waiting, that is, to turn right. Across four lanes. In the city centre. Mental.
Then there're the traffic lights, specifically the amber ones. So you see the lights turn amber, perhaps a quarter mile ahead. Slow down, gradually, and reach a controlled halt at the junction 30 second later. What's that? Horns honking? Unintelligible bogun expletives? That'll be because the lights are STILL amber, and you could have gone through! Ages they stay amber for, bloody ages. Of course I'm used to it now, and will accelerate from up to a mile away in the realistic hope of getting through before red. God help us all when I come home...
The roads are completely different too. There's space for three lanes anywhere in the suburbs, but all those lanes head to the same place, then bottleneck to one, creating some truly absurd tailbacks. As for the speed limits... They're so low that everyone reaches them, and so strictly enforced that noone exceeds them, so those three lanes are all travelling at the exact same speed wherever you go - overtaking is futile.
Finally one to remember when you visit: as a general rule, at any given time, the left lane is about to disappear.
Adverts
Sometimes it's the sheer quantity; sometimes it's the sensation of having been transported to the 1980s; all the time it's the GOD DAMN APOSTROPHES!!! Seriously, what is wrong with these people? Mistakes are made everywhere, and I've had many a lunch ruined in England by a mispunctuated menu, but these people take the biscuit. Errors of omission are forgiveable, even by me, but the disease here involves putting them where they're not needed; surely you don't add an apostrophe to something without taking a view as to why such an insertion is necessary? We're talking about successful entrepreneurs and national chain retailers here. Why do these people earn more money than I do when they can't speak English? It makes my blood boil.
Those '80s style ads are great though. You know the ones: the ACTUAL boss of the company decides that he's the man to tell the public about those CRAZY prices. It's so crass and amateurish that it's funny until you realise that the Aussie public are lapping this stuff up because they don't know any better. Still, it makes me happy now that I've learnt to expect it; "Hellooooooo! Frank Walker from National Tiiiiiiiiiles," in a voice so nasal it makes Mr Bean sound like Orson Welles, is just feel good radio once you're used to it.
Sponsorship though, holy crap you don't know how lucky you are over there. I'll take one example, namely a typical AFL match on the radio. Not the final, just one, any one, of eight each weekend for half the year:
The match is sponsored; each quarter is sponsored; the half-time break is sponsored; the scoreboard is sponsored; the statistics bank is sponsored, the stadium is sponsored, the summarisers are sponsored, 'The Analyst' (another summariser with extra statistics) is sponsored and the bit where they go to another match, to find out the score, is sponsored. Man of the Match is sponsored, Goal of the Game is sponsored and Best Mark ('special' catching - I know, 'foot'ball?) is bleeding sponsored. That's 15 separate corporate sponsors, each of whom have to be named at relevant (or, if necessary, contrived) moments as stipulated by their sponsorship contract. Christ on a bike.
Language
First, Australian place names. We've lived in Mooroolbark, and I've been on stage in Nunawading, but a cursory look at the map will reveal that this is just the beginning, with Wonthaggi, Warnambool and Wagga Wagga easily spotted. All that exotic stuff is fun, but some of the modern place names seem to have taken the idea of naming places after things a little too literally. My favourites are 'Officer' and 'Research'. Those are places! Hats off, though, to the town planner who must've spotted that about eight consescutive streets off Burwood Highway all bear a sign stating 'No Through Road': the actual name of the ninth tributary, where the restriction is finally lifted? 'Through Road'. Brilliant.
Things Australians say, and what they mean:
'Doona' = 'Duvet'. 'Eggplant' = ‘Aubergine'. 'Zucchini' = 'Courgette'. Ok, let me start again - so far I'm basically explaining how we stole our language from the French. Seriously though, 'doona'? What are they, toddlers?
"He cracked it." "He became annoyed."
"Bluey." "A redheaded person."
"I've done a blue." "I've made a mistake."
"Not happy Jan!" "You've made a mistake."
"She'll be right." "Things will turn out ok in the end."
"I've had a Bingle." "I've been in a minor car accident."
"A schooner of draught please." "Being Australian, a pint is a bit more than I can handle."
"A good root." "The physical act of love."
Things Australians never say:
"G'day"
"Stick another shrimp on the barbie"
"Fosters, please."
Pubs
I've mentioned the ladylike measures, and they do insist on their beer being ever so cold all the time, but it's the atmosphere that prevents me from enjoying Australian pubs the way I would, once in a while, manage to enjoy the odd English one when absolutely necessary...
Picture a Weatherspoon's. Got it? Now make it heartstoppingly expensive - even after you've finally trained your mind to ignore the exchange rate. Now remove the perkily attractive student barmaid and replace her with her slightly aggressive older brother. And their mum. Finally, erase half the menu, switch off the cider tap and relocate the entire joint to a bleak industrial estate on a three-lane suburban highway. This isn't just a typical Australian pub. No, this is THE venue in which thousands of Aussies aspire to spending their special family Sunday afternoons. It's like Eastenders meets Mad Max.
Of course the preferred way to drink in Australia - and the only way that's remotely affordable - is at home, with a slab of stubbies in an eskie by the barbie on the back yard. They don't go to the pubs to drink, not first and foremost. The only adjustment I didn't mention above is to add a cavernous carpeted vault filled with an army of up to 100 one-armed bandits, each complete with desperate bogun, baby in one hand and rapidly emptying bag of change in the other, eyes growing redder with anger as each failed attempt obstructs their perceived entitlement to unearned wealth. It's been put to me on more than one occasion that Aussies have a more mature approach to drinking, with less bingeing and more café culture. Well this may be true and I accept it gladly, because trust me, roughly 80%!o(MISSING)f this nation is addicted to gambling.
All that remains to complete this lament is that Aussie pubs have only the most mainstream real ales if any at all, the palest imitation of pork scratchings if you're very lucky, and oh-my-god-I-can-hardly-bring-myself-to-say-it absolutely no Thatcher's Traditional Cider whatsoever.
Banking
Back to advertising for a moment - try this for size: "The internet. The world's global marketplace. Suppliers combine and retailers unite to bring the planet's finest products together for purchase online.... And now, Aussie Bank has a brand new card, that allows you to buy it all."
I'm sorry, what? Hang on, are you saying that you people have only just worked out how to buy stuff online, with a bank card? SERIOUSLY? I mean, I know this place is a long way away, and we only sent the convicts over to marginalise earth's oldest continuous civilization a couple of hundred years ago, but surely you can't be that far behind? They are though. The mind boggles.
Sarah has officially barred me from quizzing her about Australian banking, after my repeated failure to grasp her increasingly exasperated explanation almost put our future together in jeopardy. Pete and Rachel might be the only old KPMG colleagues who've survived to read this, and I hope they remember those early weeks of training when the words 'debit' and 'credit' lost all meaning. Guys, we're back.
You see, you have two accounts, credit and savings, but it's actually only the one account, with the one card. Well, you can have two accounts on the one card, or separate cards, but either way it's all about what you say when you pay and they ask "Credit or savings, sir?" and I pause and panic and stutter and just pick one, oblivious to the consequences. If you want cashback though, you say 'Cheque', which has nothing to do with paying by cheque, but only if they have chip and pin, which, surprise surprise, they often don't. A debit card can have a credit card symbol on it, in which case it's a credit card in some cases but not in the sense that you actually have, or use, credit, at all; only if you have an ACTUAL credit card, which may or may not bear the relevant symbol, can you pay for most things, in most places. I've now got two accounts, and one card, and several direct debits from my credit card that isn't really a credit card, and absolutely no idea where any of my money is going. Even the lady in the bank looked confused, so what hope do I have?
If you can clear up any of my confusion, or just express solidarity with my lonely trans global existence, please don't hesitate to comment on this entry. Your words bring home a little bit closer.
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Karen Marston
non-member comment
Laughed out loud
Translations of Aussie words made me laugh out loud, BTW the zucchini and eggplant things are not exclusively Aussie, also Canadian/American. Banking was a thing that often frustrated my Canadian friends when they lived here - it never makes sense when it's not how you do it at home! If you're after suggestions, I'm sure you could write something entertaining on the subject of planning a wedding, although maybe that should wait until you are really in the thick of it? x