Outrun The Magpie Swoop

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“It is spring which means every time a raven flies overhead, despite having been here for two years I find myself ducking the "magpie swoop". People cite spiders and snakes as Australian's mortal enemies but they really don't understand the prolonged systematic torture of the magpie.” – Facebook quote, Aussie friend living in Seattle.

Gladstone, QLD, Australia - September 2013. Spring.

A magpie nest was surely close by. The black and white sentry, nestled high in a streetlamp, had recently started surveilling our movements with its red, beady eyes.

The magpie family had stealthily set up their residence in our little pocket of Gladstone, Australia and it was quickly becoming clear that what had once been our territory was under question and certainly open for debate.

I had never been swooped by a magpie; plovers yes and kookaburras in fly-by food stealing missions, but not magpies. So despite hearing friend's ordeals and reading cautioning news reports, I generally wasn’t too concerned.

That is until the day I was mosying up my drive-way, thoughts elsewhere and at peace with the world when the neighbourhood magpies decided to begin their long-awaited siege.

Walking along, I slowly registered the increasing sound of batting wings and my instinct snapped to attention, telling me to run for cover.

Safe against the house I turned, indignant, to face my attacker. How dare it ambush me safe on my own land! I waved my arms and shouted angrily, gaining ground forward and impressing on this meagre bird my human power.

Confidence surged through me and I took pleasure in the battle. But suddenly I was outnumbered. Reinforcements had come in from the left in the form of one rather large magpie. I was pinned once again to the house and this time I waved my arms in defense, two sharp, irritated birds fluttering aggressively at me.

Assessing my lack of options, I threw down the white flag and made a run for the inner sanctuary of the house, shamefaced and cowed.

I had just been initiated and realized what the greater Australian community already knew; have a healthy fear of magpies come spring.

The next few days were peppered with incidents as I made my way to and from my front door. I huddled under an umbrella and even began driving my car directly to my front door to minimize confrontations.

It was only when my dad showed up that I noticed anything different in the behavior of these terror wardens. I’d warned my dad of their frightful ways, which was met with an unconcerned shrug and an indication to take any attacks with the easy brush of an arm – similar to the lazy swat you give an annoying fly.

I was concerned, the memory of sharp snapping beaks and scratching talons fresh in my mind. My dad’s reliance on one human, one metal arm also did not salve my fears. As he stepped outside I tried to not think the worst and waited for the inevitable.

Holding my breath, my dad’s tall stature ambled over to the car near the driveway.

And.

Nothing.

The familiar batting wings and screeching war cry were suspiciously absent and I watched slack-jawed. Surely something was up.

“It’s fine Emy,” my dad said. “Come on.”

Emboldened that these birds had finally packed it in I walked confidently towards the car.

And woosh!! The flash of black, a terrifying cry and a close physical call intimidated me and I scurried hunched over towards the door frame.

“Oh,” my dad said, a little befuddled. “I guess they think because I’m bigger I mustn’t concern them, kind of like a cow.”

“You’re smaller, so they probably think you’re a dog.”

And that, my friend, is how the title of this blog has sprung.

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Photos

An evil-eyed male magpie
Magpies cast fear into the hearts of Australians every spring, as they build nests on previously claimed land.

Home aka The Battlefield
A steep driveway and magpies stationed on lookout at a nearby streetlamp gave the invaders an advantage.

The indomitable cow
For the purposes of this blog, cow is used as measurement of size, not gender.

Dog tracks
If I was a dog, I imagine I'd look something like this.