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In the interlude of my Northward travel, I sit here in Seattle with a lot of thoughts walking across the fields of my mind. My dreams the past few nights have been filled with chases, hunts, and death. I’ve woken up with a racing heart and anxious mind. I’ve been riding the wave of a sinus infection that I picked up at Sasquatch letting it inoculate my body. So to some degree these dreams haven’t been too alarming. I usually have strange dreams when I’m not 100%. Side note: Being ‘sick’ is always humbling as the healing power of my body never ceases to amaze me. Through letting it run its natural course, I witness my body move through states of hot and cold, mucous and dryness, supporting it’s requests with homemade broths, nourishing teas and water, and lots of sleep. In just a couple days the sinus infection has moved through my head, nose, throat and is working it’s way out the recesses of my lungs. I’m on the up and up in just a couple days! As my body works through this I feel that I’m actually gaining strength verses becoming weaker. And if my body is going through
image for one of my favorite quotes
"they called me delusional and i nearly fell off my unicorn" this process then so is my mind. So, back to these dreams.
I look up what death dreams symbolize and I learn “The message may be that your old self needs to be left behind. This may mean that you must stop carrying around with you the crippling burden of your past {irrational guilt-feelings and martyrdom complex, or any other negative self-programming}; and, instead,
you must open yourself to what the present moment is offering. Alternatively, the 'old self' may be old attachments, habits, ambitions, values, goals; in which case the dream is telling you that the only way forward for you lies through giving these up and looking deeper within yourself for better values, etc. {where 'better' means more in tune with your real self}.” HOT DAMN. Not only is my body leaving behind ‘old stuff’ (*cough cough green stuff) so is my psyche. It’s also not surprising that the timing of all this is in correlation to the full moon/lunar eclipse approaching in a couple days. (yes, here I am again talking about astrology I know I know I can hear all the skeptic’s moving in their seats or laughing) however there are no coincidences.
smoke and mirrors
look closer...a lake passed while driving through southern Washington All of these ‘energies’ ‘forces’ ‘nature’ whatever you want to call it has momentum that is bigger then me. I mean who am I to think that I really control any of this. I think that would be incredibly arrogant to believe. However, I will contradict myself now by saying that as of late, I realize how much I do control My life. Let me edit that, I CHOOSE my life in my reactions, my interactions and my emotions. I will admit this is something new for me. I used to just react. Now, I consciously choose how I will dance with what comes whether that be experiences, people or emotions. And let me tell you A LOT has been coming. Intuitively. Spiritually. Physically. Experientially. At times more then I feel I can handle, or even more than I want to know, but then I realize what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger (oh hello again lesson of sinus infection, dreams, Life)
Recent events and interactions have really made me muse on who I am, where I am going, and what do I bring. As I write this I remember writing a similar blog when I was
in India at the Ashram, about the same amount of time into my trip, and thoughts were flying around my head faster then I could speak. I poured my heart out into that blog and now about six years later I feel that I am pouring my soul into this one. There is strength and density to what I’m experiencing now. It’s not just mental. It’s more tangible than that. I feel it in my bones. You know, I’ve always been critical of my scoliosis, the curvature of my spine, and the medical field still is undecided about what causes/affects it/how to deal with it, but what I realize right now, in this moment, is that I’m actually lucky. You know why?! Because I have a movable spine, it actually bent out of shape on its own accord and I’m fuckin’ ok with it. Haha. How do you like them apples… It clearly was a lesson I needed to learn in this life. Actually Experience. Letting go. Accepting what is. Sometimes I just get bent out of shape and I can’t change it, but I can change how I react to it. So, I feel grateful. I have a constant
holes in clouds
or eyes of the sky reminder. Wow.
Even as I sit here typing all of this, having no idea where I am going with these ideas or what I’m even trying to say, I know there is gold for me in these thoughts. So, I sit here letting my mind expand as my fingers find the keys to express the journey in the fields of my thoughts.
I am going through a mental death. Physically I’m clearing out what my body is done carrying. Mentally I’m seeing all aspects of myself and accepting them. Letting my criticisms, my pains, my worries Go. It’s time to open my clenched fist, let go of what I’ve been holding onto, and See what lands in my palm.(no, I will not be going to a palm reader to find answers, haha) Patience is also part of this journey. I learned the hard way that the short cut usually brings more pain, less clarity, and actually makes the journey longer. What my destiny has in store I look forward to seeing when I’m meant to see it.
I’ll bring to a close what I started, with an excerpt I brought in
my journal. Yesterday as I was riding with two other people up to Seattle, Christopher asked why I was going to Seattle. I told him that I was traveling and he said matter-of-factly “ Oh, you’re a Nomad.” And confidently I replied “Yes.” Then, today as I pulled out my journal a piece of paper caught my eye and this is what it read …
Nomads
“These Nomads are carpet weavers. On their carpets they weave pictures of the stories of their lives. They weave as they go and carry all their belongings. All of them, young and old, pregnant, carrying babies, carry everything. They walk all day, day after day, and sleep anywhere. This is their way of life. They have very little, only the necessary. Everyday is a new day. They walk across the plains, through the fields full of rich colours and textures. This beauty is the fabric of their life woven in their carpets. I think I could live like this.” ~Gaia Orion 2005
I guess part of me knew this Truth when I chose to place this piece of paper in my journal. Was I setting myself up to be reminded,
confirmed, or just coincidence?
I also remember saying one day at Northpoint that I felt like the carpet on which I was standing got yanked out from under me. I wasn't worrying though because I knew that if it wasn't under me it was going to take me for a ride... and boy do I love me some wild rides!
to magic carpet rides and the stories that are woven in the threads,
all the Love that can possibly be spread
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Drew
non-member comment
Clarity!
Kenj -- great blog post. Very soulful. You'll read this in 20 years and give a great big smile. Miss ya!