Losing My Religion

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[youtube=if-UzXIQ5vw][youtube=0wrsZog8qXg]

Let me clarify before I unfold the past 2 weeks since I last blogged that the title of this entry is only related to the R.E.M. song in a small way. I don't fully understand the symbolism of the video or of the lyrics. I relate this entry only to the title of the song.

That being said,

update

Two weekends ago, June 15-17, my team went to Boston for team weekend. While there, we visited Newbury Street, where we window-shopped and enjoyed a delicious lunch at Trident Bookstore. Eating lunch in a bookstore is probably on the list of most awesome things I've done. We then proceeded to walk to Harvard Square (yes, we walked, not taking the T...great exercise!) and ate lunch in the North End the next day.

We stayed with a family about half an hour outside of the city. This family was involved with the Navigators, so networking to find them wasn't too difficult. Thanks for your prayers about us finding somewhere to stay!! Not only was this family welcoming, but they were a couple whose kids (all daughters) had grown and had their own families. The house was beautiful, warm, inviting, and slightly overwhelming to me. The love and history in the home because of the family was amazing, something I never imagined could actually exist. The house itself was perfectly homey, and it was obvious that it was intended for the use of guests, a house that hosted people of all kinds, sharing the good news of God's love in simple, quiet ways. The reality of this intention was incredible because it introduced a new function for a home: to invite others into one's life. This is a concept that contrasts my own desires for a home, which mainly include: solace and rest for myself, a clean work environment in which for me to be productive, an escape from others when I need "introvert time," and the selfish list continues. I want to view a home more like this family.

Along with the sights we saw and the family we met, my team had an awesome time building our relationships with each other. We drew out the Bible study intended for the Thursday night before (we left Friday evening and stayed in Boston until Sunday afternoon). Saturday and Sunday morning at the house, we discussed and continued our discussion about Colossians 1:15-23, which tied into the theme of The Gospel, on which our individual daily devotionals were centered. We learned more about each other as we looked at what God inspired Paul to write to the Colossians about who Jesus said He was.

last week

After coming home to Burlington (yes, "home" 😊 ), the thought of going back to work and being back on our regular schedule was daunting for some, but still unfamiliar to me since I'm still such a newb in the program. I worked at P-Chops (Price Chopper) on Monday, with a schedule to work only Monday and Friday for the week. About an hour or so into my shift, however, a couple of supervisors notified me of a need for someone to work in the Bagel Factory section of the supermarket. Assuming this meant working in the Bakery, and being willing to serve however they needed, I agreed to help out. I was mistaken, and my schedule was drastically changed.

The Bagel Factory section of the market is its own entity, next to the coffee section. Bagels, donuts, muffins, and other pastries are made for this section every morning. I worked Tuesday through Friday from 6am to 12pm to help with sales in the section while the carb products were produced. My first day in this position, bright and early Tuesday morning, involved an encounter with one of the bagel/donut makers, Don. He had been working there since 2am and would continue working that day until 8am when the bagels would be finished. A hard-edged man, I judged him to have had a rough life and perhaps a bitter attitude toward the world. I was fascinated about, yet timid around him. He explained his experience working in houses that needed to be completely gutted because of safety hazards or any other disgusting reasons for a complete overhaul. He showed me scars on his arm where a carpet-cutting machine had run over him, threatening for him to lose his hand and part of his hand. This accident was caused by one of his employees, a woman, "flirting when it wasn't time to flirt." She was messing around flirting with her coworkers and one thing led to another when heavy, extremely dangerous machinery got out of control and horribly injured some of the workers. This story hit me hard, revealing the small bubble in which I've been living for the past 20 years: first in the small (unknown) suburb of Bellbrook, then in the city of Cincinnati. Although I've been exposed to more in Cinci than in Bellbrook, I have never come across real danger like what Don experienced daily at his job and likely other jobs he's had. I've been sheltered from cultures like his where people simply didn't have the same opportunities to live a middle-class life like I have. I have always worked in places where I felt safe physically and emotionally. If I witness a situation with which I disagree, or which scares me, I can easily call someone to rescue me from the possible danger.

This was only the beginning of my week.

the week continued

Wednesday evening, GMS hung out at Oakledge Beach for swimming, volleyball, and a cookout (my favorite kind of food). After playing volleyball in the intense heat (95* and humid), a few of us decided to cool of in the lake. We swam for quite a while until we reached a couple of platforms, likely once used as docks for boats but currently abandoned. Some were "cliff" jumped off of one of the platforms, and I was excited to join. For those of you who don't know me well, I'm probably the least athletic, least adrenaline-junkie kind of person I know. I don't particularly like heights, nor do I enjoy the thought of injuring myself in any way. I wanted to continue training this summer, however, by stretching myself in what I expect of myself. What a better way to accomplish this than to just say "ok, I'll jump" with people who didn't know how scared I am of heights etc.? I thought to myself, "They will see us waving from such great heights; 'come down now,' they'll say..." (ok not actually, but do you expect anything less than a song pun from me?). I only jumped from the lower part of the platform, but the excitement (and adrenaline) I experienced as I free-fell to the water was liberating, a theme which has carried through to today.

After the evening at the beach, I finished the week out in work (after a sick day on Thursday, thanks to sore ears from the jump :/ ) and looked forward to the weekend.

mansfield

This past Saturday, GMS drove out to Stowe, VT, to hike Mount Mansfield. This was no "big hill" like the Spring Break hike up Mount Philo with Katy, Vivian, and Hannah. It was 2.something miles up and the exact same route down. We packed our lunches in whatever backpacks we had and broke off into teams to encourage each other and safely make it up and down the mountain. Once we made it to the summit (1,340 miles above sea level), we bundled up and ate our lunches in the clouds. It was amazing and beautiful the whole way up, and I stopped multiple times to take mental pictures (my own camera would have added to much weight/bulk for the hike). The height allowed us to see much of the town and over other mountains! Some people were able to see Lake Champlain from the top when the fog wasn't so heavy. Needless to say, the view was astounding and the rocks on the mountain (on which we climbed) cried out that God had created them, shaping each one and fitting all of them together to make the huge mountain on which we stood.

The hike downward was more difficult because climbing down rocks takes more strategy and involves different muscles than I was used to. We were successful, and once we made it to the bottom again, celebrated by visiting a nearby shop where we could get fresh cider donuts and all kinds of touristy maple products (woot for Vermont maple everything!).

Saturday night, after dinner (miraculously made by Ms. Kelsey Vala after she hiked with us all day and didn't take a breath while she and Julia prepared dinner immediately after we returned) and time to shower and rest, we went into the lounge to hear a talk about sexual purity/wholeness. This being a topic about which some of us in Cinci had VERY recently discussed, I was interested in what the speaker had to say. Wow was he straightforward and wonderfully honest about sexual struggles and how deeply they affect us and our communities. The words he spoke that provoked the most thought in me were his repetition of "I can guarantee that other people in this room struggle with the same issues you have." These words resonated most with me because I was still in a state of disbelief that other people, especially women, had the same difficulties in past and continuing struggles with which I struggle. Sexual sin is an uncomfortable topic because of cultural expectations, unrighteously unrealistic "Christian" expectations in some communities, and the shame that enslaves us for any issues we've experienced. My prayer for the Church is that we can be open and honest about what God has to say about how sex was created to work in different genders, the actual physical acts, and our spiritual and emotional involvement in all of it. I pray especially for Christian women to be more honest and willing to discuss any struggles, fears, hopes, and successes we've had so we can destroy our shame and have hope to heal from wounds, being freed from the slavery of doing everything in secret and telling no one for fear of being rejected. If anyone is interested in talking to me about this subject, hearing the stories of my past and present, or wants to share your own struggles, please ask me and I'd love to hear and share. If we don't talk about it, "the monster" (as my counselor puts it), or the lies we believe, will never be slayed; we will never be free to live the way God created us to live.

more on liberation

After the talk Saturday night, I've had a lot to process (sorry, Emily, for the "P" word) and discuss with God. Through tears of frustration, fear, and sadness, I've confessed and discussed with God where my heart truly is in the areas of my life that keep me from living life fully and unhindered. The root of my issuses, as revealed through prayer, is my deep-seated belief in the lie that though I know God CAN heal me completely and forever, I don't believe He WILL. Some issues I thought disappeared from my life as I began my faith journey, believing that Jesus is God, have shown their ugly faces within the past year. I believed that they were gone forever, that I was free from them, but they returned. I don't yet see what God's will is in allowing me to struggle with these issues, but the possibility of NEVER being free from them terrifies me and makes me doubt God's love and forgiveness. If you want more specifics, I can share more details, but what I need most in this situation is prayer for me to trust God in any situtation life throws at me. In order to trust Him, like any person, I must first know who He is. This is a topic about which Meg (my team leader) and I discussed this afternoon.

today

This morning, through the cool, dreary rain, Kelsey Vala and I trekked down to Church Street to dwell in possibly one of the best coffee shops, Uncommon Grounds. We planned to have quiet times, studying our devotionals and the Bible Study for the week, but were awesomely side-tracked by good discussion. Her perspective on life from living in different cultures around the country and the world is very valuable to me. Not only is it fun hanging out with her because she's an awesome friend (and actually has the same humor as me!), but her wisdom and open-minded perspective are necessary and beautiful. In-between discussions, I had some quiet time and found that my own devotional (from a compilation devotional book titled, How Great Is Our God) and the GMS devotional of the day went right along with the conversation we were having.

After hanging out with Kelsey, I walked accross the street to Panera for lunch with Meg. We caught up on the past week or so and the conversation I had with Kelsey. More of the questions I had during my quiet time were brought up and led to an amazing conclusion.

I'm guessing a lot of you, people who've known me through college and/or who have been spiritual leaders in my life, have already told this to me, but I'm finally in a place where I can understand and believe this concept better. It's simple, but not easy. The questions I tend to ask center on "why." The questions that stem from this question involve "what, when, where, how." Rarely, if ever, have I asked "who?" I'm similar to the Rich Young Man in Mark 10, who asks "what must I do to inherit eternal life," and to which Jesus replies with a "who" question, stating, "Why do you call me good...No one is good--except God alone." By searching for who God is instead of what I have to do/not do to build a relationship with Him (and, honestly, to please him), I have to "lose my religion" which states that I have to perform exhaustingly to achieve some unrealistic, unstated goal. Jesus and his apostles remind us repeatedly that it is by grace we were saved, through faith, not by works. I can do all of the works I want, dive into self-reflection endlessly, but if I don't search to find out who God is, I will never be at peace. The pastor at Calvary Chapel (which some of us GMSers attended this past Sunday) spoke with us about viewing our relationship with God like a marriage. I'd pictured this analogy before, but he put it in a simpler way: if we are struggling with a sin issue, doubt, etc., we should first question our communication with God, just like marital issues that stem from poor communication between spouses. How simple is this, but yet how complicated do we make it!

This is the new perspective for which I will be praying for myself and others. Will you pray with me?

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