Fort Worth Cave Men, Death Row Cattle, Billy Bobs Honky Tonk and Yummy BBQ!

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Okay so lets get down to the boots and buckles. Melanie was accosted today by a slimy, mid 60's, died jet-black hair, 1970's-styled, cigarette pack in shirt pocket, vintage caddy driving, motel loving, Hunter Thomas reading bastard. Before I go on about how much we loved Fort Worth, I have to get this off my chest. Suuuuure, Melanie was in a flimsy gray tank-top because the temp was going to be 95 today and carrying my root-beer bottle that looked like "ready for a good time" brew, but still - this guy was slimy! Mel and I were finishing our stroll down Exchange Ave in the Historic Stockyards section of Fort Worth, just about to cross the street toward the internationally known (thanks to the TV show Dallas) Cattlemen's Steakhouse, when all of a sudden this 65'ish, Lawrence Whelk looking man in a short-sleeved, button-down shirt (tucked in) to a pair of polyester brown slacks, holding a cup of coffee (due to a hangover) looks over to us as he was about to get in his car and says, "Well hello girls." Being the nice (stupid) gals we are we say "hi" back. All of a sudden he ask where we are from. We reply Rhode Island. He says, "No kidden, I am from Chicago!" (umm...aaaaaaaaaand???) and starts to walk toward us. He told us his name and shook my hand (eww) and then, drooling, looked at MEL, took her hand and said, "Wow, aren't you a pretty lady" (or something like that) and leaned in to KISS her on the cheek. I was BOILING mad. Mel backed away and said, "Alright now, I am married." And he asked us to come and sit and talk with him. I said we had to go. He sat on a wet bench, got up and said, "Oh no my ass is all wet - isn't it?" he asked Mel. "Look," he said. "Is my ass wet?" - I said, "Okay time for us to go - we're going." - He was at a lose for words as we walked across the street. He told us to be safe as we did back to him. I was ready to call my brother and have him click his heals to come over here and put this guy 6 feet under! I felt, let alone Mel, so disrespected. He shook my hand and then moved in on Mel. Asshole. Mel was disgusted. This would NEVER happen up north. Mel had on Capri shorts and a classy, gray (if not a bit low cut and trampy...err...classy....trampish) tank-top. The guys down here are very chauvinistic and think all "pretty ladies" are dressing for them. They are like Cave Men I told Mel. As if that wasn't bad enough, earlier in the day Mel sat on a bull that shit - I kid you not - hahahahaha bull shit (I am really laughing) for a photo - and prior to her sitting on the bull (that shit - heheheh - bullshit - sorry I can't stop) some other lady was on the bull (that was just a bull at that point as it hadn't shit yet). The cowboy guy taking the photo asked the husband if he wanted to get in the photo with her. When Mel asked to sit on his bull his eyes lit up and he gave her the "you're pretty" look. He said (about me) - "Have HER hold your bag" - and then didn't offer to take a photo of the both of us. I didn't think anything of it until I saw him ask the next girl and her mother if they wanted a photo together. A bit homophobic don't ya think???? I make these Texan "men" uncomfortable I guess. Sorry boys, you'll never have a woman like Melanie Shapiro. She prefers this here tomboy. Put that in your 10 gallon hat and tip it, flip it, shit in it (did I mention the bull Mel took a picture on shit seconds before her photo? Tee-hee). Ugh, men. As Mel says, they disgust me. Well, only the asshole ones. We don't hate men, trust me.

With that said, shall I begin? :-)

As soon as we left the hotel around 10:30am we headed for the Historic Stockyards section of Fort Worth (located about 2 miles from our hotel down Main Street). We noticed how pretty and clean a city Fort Worth was as we headed toward the stockyards. We were so excited! I had been wanting to visit Fort Worth for quite a few years so this was a real treat! For a while I was hooked on the TV show 'Dallas'. I found out they filmed a lot of the scenes in the stockyards section as well as Grand Prairie/Plano and downtown Dallas. We were really excited to see the cattle drive (i.e., huge-ass cattle that mender down the street providing photo opportunities for us ridiculous tourist - I can only imagine they are thinking of the movie 'Last Man Walking' as they shuffle their cattle ass pass granny and her friggin, ice-cream stained grandchildren - poor bastards). Mel was so excited that she had us stand in the PRECISE spot that a travel guide said was "the best spot" to view the pre-steak cattle. When I say she chose the EXACT spot, I mean the EXACT spot. Everyone had the look of "huh" and after taking several pictures we all had the sad, guilty look of - SHIT! Did I just witness their last walk? Will I be eating them next week? Talk about guilt. THANKS A LOT CATTLE DRIVE!!!!!! My gosh....(where the heck are the tissues -- or beef brisket -- I'll take either or).

Okay, cattle drive? CHECK! Next Mel directed us into this cute shopping mall area with normal array of gift shops and fudge. We then headed to the place I have been daydreaming about, anticipating and had butterflies over -- BILLY BOB'S TEXAS, the world's largest honky tonk! Oh yeah! We're talking 27 bars, pool tables, a rodeo, concert arena, BBQ restaurant, video games, dance floors and a gift shop. This place DID NOT DISAPPOINT! Billy Bob's is everything - and more. If you like country music and the whole Texas/Country culture/style then you are going to LOVE this place. It is as authentic as it comes. Billy Bob's IS Texas. They are open 10am-2am everyday except Sunday when they open 11am-2am. Yup. How cool, huh? This place is dripping in Neon, the latest country tunes, yummy (and reasonably priced) BBQ, free dance lessons, $1.00 pool, Fri & Sat night rodeo's and pure fun. Billy Bob's is family friendly which is great! Fun for everyone. Every country star has played at Billy Bob's. It is almost a rite of passage - like the Grand'Ol Opry. It cost $1.00 to get in and boy was it worth it. I had the shakes I was so excited. I want to live in Billy Bob's! I want to have my office there. I want to listen to country music all day long, play pool during my break, have yummy BBQ, dance, go to concerts and have fun. There was Neon everywhere. There were deer heads mounted on walls. Stuffed Bears -- even slot machines! LOL! They had guitars hanging up and signed celebrity photos. It was a honky tonk paradise. Mel was just as excited!! For lunch I ordered a cattle-drive brisket sandwich, err, I mean beef-brisket sandwich and Mel got BBQ chicken. Because I was feeling very sick with my period I wasn't able to eat my lunch. I did nibble the brisket and it was flavored perfect but a bit too fatty for my liking. I prefer chicken 99% of the time. Mel and I played 3 games of pool and although they were all VERY close Mel, a.k.a. "pool shark", beat me all 3 times! :-( Sniff.....but it was fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun. We walked around all of Billy Bob's (well, the parts that were open) and then headed out about 2 1/2 hours later! I would literally come to Texas just to go here - for real. I would fly nonstop into Austin on Jet Blue, drive 45 min north to Dallas/Fort Worth and stay Friday, Saturday and come home Sunday. Billy Bob's gave me that HAPPY / EXCITED feeling inside. Not too many places give me that feeling. How exciting!

After Billy Bob's we headed back to the stockyard's section to do the other 1/2 of Exchange Street. We went in all the great stores and I stopped at a cute little restaurant called Star Cafe to get some sliced turkey since I hadn't eaten my lunch. I was till icky but did eat a bit of turkey (no sides). The BBQ sauce down here is incredible. The Star Cafe was very cute but the ladies inside sure were weathered, woah. It looked as if they hadn't LAUGHED in ages. If they tried to smile or laugh I think their cheeks would crack. They looked in their mid 50's and seemed like chain-smokers and cuss talkers. Yeah, that's fucking right, I said CUSS talkers. Now excuse me while I go light my cigarette (ICK - EWW - HURL). They can drink whisky straight. They can beat up their men. They tell their kids to fuck off. They hate their lives and love it that way. Yeah - weathered ladies - Texas style. Even though one called me honey, it was done with no emotion and a twinge of the upper lip.

After my turkey fix we headed back to the hotel room because I was feeling very icky. We rested and freshened up and by the grace of God I felt a bit better so we decided to walk around downtown and explore the area. What a great city. Quiet, but nice. Not as lovely as Providence (but really what is) - but very pleasant nonetheless. The section we walked is called Sundance Square and there are several cool restaurants spread out including a P.F. Changs, Texas de Brazil, Bennigan's, Chili's, Uno's and the one we chose - RISCKY'S BBQ. I am SO glad we went there for dinner. This time I was really hungry and they also had slicked turkey - so I got that and a baked potato. Mel got a salad with grilled chicken. Their BBQ was out of this world. So much so I bought a bottle! It is a thin sauce with a spicey/sweet taste. The inside of the restaurant was also very cute (red and white checkered table clothes, neon, deer heads, cowboy decor - you get the idea).

Mel and I continued to walk around the city and then found ourselves near Barnes and Nobles. Across the street was the Bass Performance Hall, possibly one of the prettiest buildings Mel and I had ever seen. This stone white building has these two angels carved into the side blowing trumpets. At night it is a surreal sight and quite spectacular. Mel and I went inside the book store and Mel finally found some art supplies! Yaay! I was so happy for her.

After we got our car out of the garage and drove toward the stockyards section to see it lit up at night. Although I am not sure how much Mel would see as she is night blind and has no problem reminding me of this every 3.5 seconds. She assures me she is okay and then goes all Dukes of Hazzard on me (or rather, Dykes of Hazzard). She was yawning, put on her PJ's and even tucked herself in at one red light. I was just in a menstrual craze and wanted to be in a toilet so bad. Nonetheless we made it the 2 miles down the street to the stockyards. It was pretty cool but sooooooooooooo quiet!! I don't understand why? I am sure it picks up mid summer. It is such a fun place.

That brings me to now. It is 12:40am and I am VERY tired. I want to curl up into bed and snuggle Melanie. We were going to head to Amarillo tomorrow but I think we are will stay here and visit Dallas tomorrow. There is a great honky-tonk/restaurant there called 'GILLY'S' I think will be fun to visit (Urban Cowboy was filmed there). I would also like to visit the gay section and drop off some Out & About Travel flyers. We then start our drive home on Thursday morning.

BTW, I don't think I ever mentioned the fact that Mel almost broke my nose. Allow me to explain. We were in some Louisiana town taking one of many piss stops. At this particular stop we chose Cracker Barrel. We poked around after peeing in their bowls and Mel got all excited / worked up when she saw a praline! Those fucking pralines! Something happens to her. She glazes over. 50% of her wants to eat the entire display. The other 50% of her wants to blow up Cracker Barrel for having these temptations. She was a bit angst when we left. She was all nutty professor-like (as she likes to call herself and I find extremely cute and accurate). I just wanted to get my size 12 ass in that air-conditioned car. It was like an oasis as I sat, turned on the car and put my face near the vent as it blew ice cold air. Mel was still working herself into the car but before she could do so she had to THROW her 100lb purse in the back at the speed of light with her man-muscle arm! As if in slow motion I saw the brick-bag come my way and then BAM! Right in the face, buckle on the bone of my nose. I let out a huge gay boy scream and a tear (or 1/2 billion) strolled down my face. Mel looked horried if not a bit confused! "HONEEEEEEEEEEEEY!" she screamed, "OH MY GOD, HONEY ARE YOU OOOOOOOOKAY?" ---- I was seeing flying cows, pigs, llamas - the whole 9 yards. She apologized over and over. I was just glad there was no blood, but as I type this several days later I am STILL in pain and slightly brused, but luckily it did not break. My mom says she needs to take out insurance on me. Yeah.

Until next time....

Happy Travels!

-Des

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