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Published: August 13th 2008
Yours Truly enlightening Texans
My life has been like a snowball rolling down a hill…as it rolls, it keeps getting bigger and bigger…
It was Friday, the last day of the program for most people. I, and a few other people, who came a week later than everyone else finished not on Friday, but the Thursday afterwards. But like everyone else, we had to detail the findings of our summer research in an overblown poster session that the university sponsored.
I wasn’t really feeling it.
We had to be at this poster session location at the ungodly time of 8am (when you’ve been spending the whole summer waking at 10, it feels disgusting) and not only that, we had to trek a mile and a half through the steaming hot Texan weather in dress shoes and collared shirts.
I know, I know, kids are dying in Africa and shit. But I live in the first world so I complain about trivial stuff. Either way, when I got to the presentation hall ten minutes late, soaking in sweat because I was wearing long pants, an undershirt and a collared shirt in the hot and humid Texan weather, I was fucking pissed. It
Presenting as well
didn’t help matters when the “free breakfast” we received was assorted unripe fruit and stale danishes.
So not only was I steaming hot and sweaty, my stomach was trying to process nasty continental breakfast food. Whatever, I was in the second session so I figured I had 2 hours to nap while the first session presenters pointed out their various findings and whatnot…
I guess Texas conspired to make me as pissed off as possible that morning. I apparently had to pretend to be interested in the research of some fuck-tard because I had to peer-review the presenters. And because we weren’t allowed to peer-review people in the same major, I would have to listen to some white, female, over-achieving MD-wannabe in Bio-chem try to hype up something with cells while trying to get a closeted-in, socially retarded Asian engineer to talk English.
But S&M saved me from spiraling into further anger, frustration and boredom.
“Why don’t we just review the hot chicks?”
This actually was a lot easier said than done.
Consider the disciplines represented: Computer Science, Electrical Engineering, Aeronautical Engineering, Chemical Engineering, the list goes on.
After the presentation
The ratio of women to men was somewhere between 1:10 and a sausage factory. Compounded to this already impossible looking situation is that everyone and their best friend is thinking the same thing we are.
But you can’t lose without playing.
We first hit a cute Asian girl…and that’s the only positive thing I can describe about her. Her research is some fucking crazy chemical thing which neither I nor S&M can even begin to discern. And instead of presenting it by interacting with us, she just reads some flash cards held in her hands in a monotone voice.
Given my tired state, there was no way I was going to pay attention anyway, but her talking about the strengthening of nano-tubules or whatnot set my mind drifting in the completely wrong direction. Didn’t help that shorty was concentrating on reading her flash cards, which gave me all the time in the world to check her out and deem her “cute”.
Cute Asian girls like her are a dime a dozen where I’m from, but considering she’s the first Asian girl I’ve seen down here (the Starbucks Hipster doesn’t count as an Asian), I’m getting
After the presentation
Which is bad because she abruptly breaks off (she has absolutely no flow) and catches me staring at her…which leads to a pretty awkward silence…which I attempt to save by asking the question you ask a researcher when you don’t have a clue what they’re talking about: “Are there any applications?”
She looks at me like I’m retarded, and apparently I am as she clears her throat, “Um, my research is the strengthening of copper…”
I hurriedly stalked away before I lost more face.
The second girl we hit up was another Asian (this isn’t my selection, but S&M’s) with a “bad face but a hot body”. Considering it was either her or some random ass white guy, we reluctantly pretended to be interested.
This girl at least forced me to only intermittingly glance at her body as she was a good presenter. I actually learned some shit, but her face wasn’t up to even my meager standards so this meeting was inconsequential (I know I’m going to hell for objectifying women, so don’t complain).
The third girl was a hot blonde from Electrical Engineering. Since Computer Science is closely related to EE, we could actually understand her work. It sucked. She was making a robot…and a twelve year old with ADD in a colorful room could’ve made something twice as better in half the time it took this girl. But she had blonde hair, a cute face and big tits so, of course, people were flocking to her poster.
The fourth was a cute brunette that Izzo had pretty much locked up with his peer review (we caught him laughing and joking with her for a good ten minutes or so). She was cute and funny (and apparently good friends with the Sparknotes Asian). We hit her up, then I went to the auditorium and passed out until my session started.
Was what I was doing highly immoral? Probably. But remember, I wouldn’t have done this had the program not forced me to do “peer reviews”.
And I really didn’t care either way what developed. If I got in trouble for what I did (which would never happen), I was leaving this shit town in a week. If any of these girls figured out what we were doing (not hard) and got pissed…well, I wasn’t expecting to get anything out of a poster session…
…and I just ended my drought and have this Starbucks Hipster lined up.
It's nice being on a hot streak.
My session was highly entertaining except I had to stand around for two and half hours in dress shoes and an empty stomach.
But other than the awful pain in my feet and stomach, I was able to endure it because of two people.
One was this huge ass black guy in front of me who didn’t give a shit about this poster session. Some shit that came out of his mouth:
“I’m doing this poster presentation so I can become a professor. Then I get money. And if I get money, I can get PUSSY!” Everyone within thirty feet heard this…but they couldn’t reprimand him because it would be racist.
To a passing girl: “Hey, hey mama, I’m gonna make it rain on you!” When the girl blatantly ignores him. “Fucking feminist, I’m gonna make it rain not with singles, but Susan B. Anthony’s, hoe!”
Continuing on this Making it Rain with Susan B’s theme: “Yo girl, can you pick up a silver dollar with your ass cheeks?” After the flabbergasted white girl has hurriedly fled the scene, “Man, bitches in Texas suck.”
The second person? The Sparknotes Asian comes by to my poster, I butter her up and keep her laughing and entertained for ten minutes. I wasn’t even considering this before…but now that this girl seems somewhat interested in me, should I try to make a late roster pickup?
Last week in Texas…why the hell not?
After the presentation, I purposefully sit near her for lunch, get her engaged…the conversation flows smoothly (toss me a point) and I get some more information about her.
She’s actually from this shit town…she’s basically the only Asian in this town. She’s a sophomore in college and a mechanical engineer. And because of the stereotypes she has about Asian, she thinks my English Literature/Computer Science combination is “cool”. I’m gradually laying layer after layer of butter as I mention my New York City life, my snowboarding prowess, my freestyle rapping skills (I give a short demonstration which wows the assembled multitudes), my Canadian skills and then, for the cherry on top, I “slip in” my ethinicity in a nonchalant matter.
I knew this was the clincher. Not only was I bucking every stereotype of Asians and representing the exact opposite of College Station, Texas, I was Japanese. I represented everything small town Asians want to escape to.
It wasn’t even fair. She probably never got hit on considering all the Asian males I’ve met down here are closeted in graduate students who can’t tell the difference between a pick-up line and a pick-up truck (and the white males won’t try to pick up a minority).
She runs smack-dab straight into me and she’s hooked.
We have to separate to watch the award ceremony, and as she’s leaving the auditorium, I manage to catch up to her…
To do what? I really can’t think of what to say as we’re standing on the top of the steps. “Wanna fuck”? “Let’s go on a date”? “Nice talking to you, I’m only going to be here for a week but could you give me your phone number”?
Instead, I did the awkward high school thing: “Hey…”
“Hi…” Her eyes prompted me for more.
My mind went blank and the first thing that came to my mind spilled out of my mouth:
“Nice talking to you, I’m only going to be here for a week but could you give me your phone number?”
She was taken aback, laughed and recited her digits.
It’s nice being on a hot streak.
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