Villanova squirrels


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Published: May 10th 2006
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So I wrote this story sometime last spring but because we're practically finished with teh semester, i figured this would be a fun story for you guys to read. Have a great summer!



Before I threw myself into the wonderful world of college, squirrels were timid and simple.

The squirrels here form a cohesive population rivaling the students and the faculty. It appears that coexisting with scholars for 164 years has given these critters enough time to watch, learn, and adapt to elite human society. However, they have done more than simply adapt. I would venture to say that braggadocio and indulgence, stereotypical hallmarks of American society, have thoroughly osmosified from us to them.

As walking through the campus, from Mendell to Bartley, I was about to step onto that long corridor of the pretentious main-line school tradition, a squirrel ran across me, zipping along about its business without any respect for me, even though I am scientifically a higher animal in terms of intelligence, structural complexity, etc., etc. The sole consolation I derived from the experience was that at least the squirrel had the decency not to step on my sneakers, which I had pristinely whitened the night before.

Since then, I have come across countless more instances of direct confrontation with these mammals who think they are better than us. Why, just a few days ago, I was merely innocently observing a squirrel when he glanced at me, calmly laid down his acorn, and proceeded to challenge me to a staring contest. As my very pride and dignity of all humanity was at stake, I boldy went where no one had gone before and stood my ground.

Seconds passed but they might as well have been hours. I put all my focus into it. Everything else on the street vanished, and even if Hurricane Isabelle had resurrected itself from its watery grave and had come back to ravage the mainline, still I would have continued to stare, and stare, and stare. Finally the squirrel realized that he was in the presence of a master, and scampered away to fight another day. I spared him death; let him report to his cohorts and superiors the humiliating loss he suffered, I decided.

However, my great victory was much tempered by the fact that the squirrel actually had the gall to challenge me in the first place. But I was to endure more shock with regards to this woodland/college creature before the day was out. As I strutted back to Connelly, bathed in the glow of my assertion of lordship over the animal kingdom, I passed by more squirrels, whose indifference to me could only have stemmed from their temporary lack of awareness that I had defeated one of their agents a few minutes prior. Half the squirrels were, I was happy to say, in fairly tip-top shape, breaking into sprints .

The other half, I was disturbed to see, was in a state of such disgusting corpulence that I half expected their bodies to burst at the seams. These fatter cousins did not sprint; rather, they waddled. Some, barely able to even waddle, simply reclined hugging an acorn to their sagging chests, and half-heaved in an effort to lift their pudgy heads in order to ingest yet more fattening substance. I shuddered, went back home, and showered, but yet a sickly feeling was to pervade me for the rest of the evening.

Damn the debauchery of the over confident squirrels.

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