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Pittsburgh Skyline
It's so pretty when you can't tell the buildings are abandoned! The usual: Ask me for a private invite, etc., etc...On to the entry:
Where the fuck have I been? What the fuck is up? What's happening?
Well, if your not a private subscriber, Japan is finally over. And after I came back from Japan, depressed as hell from one of the worst summers of my life, I spent two days in NYC recuperating from jetlag.
And then? And then?
And then I went to Pittsburgh.
Now just to make it clear, I did not go to Pittsburgh out of love for redneck racists, or because I thought I should conquer a new frontier by taking on a small, economically depressed American city or because I love football and hockey and want to bandwagon jump on two winning teams.
It’s because for once in my life, I decided to follow my rational side, my Asian side, and make a correct decision.
I had grandiose plans of conquering the world after the depression that was Japan Part Tre…perhaps flying out to Europe and starting my life fresh there…or flying to some other Asian country (Korea?)…or maybe to the West Coast…with no plans, no money nothing except
G-20 Pittsburgh
Riot Police...actually, this is just a normal day in Pittsburgh the expectation that I can get’er done with my youth.
But, no. I’m Asian. I looked at it logically. When graduating university, every Asian graduate has two choices: go to graduate school or go work. Okay, we only actually have one choice: med school.
But I hadn’t taken the prereqs to apply to med school, and though being some hot-shot surgeon tickled me in some ways, losing the next 4-6 years of my youth with nothing but cadavers and comatose vegetables to flirt with didn’t appeal to my fancy (my stats would’ve shot through the roof though!).
So I had two choices: work or grad school. Problem was, there’s a worldwide recession and though all forms of assessment appraise me as an average Joe Schmuck, I steadfastly believe I am the shit. Therefore, my ego can’t accept a job less than 6 figures.
So…grad school. I hate school…but going to grad school is really American, right? I mean, my credit score is way too fucking good to pass up the opportunity to riddle myself with debt from (more) student loans.
Except I had lived my whole university life with the intention of never stepping foot
in school again. My GPA was lower than the number of token black friends I had in Canada (Jamaal, Kenton and Trevor) and my extracurriculars totaled to drinking, partying, rejection and blogging all of the above. But I can write an essay well and I guess I “discovered” myself over undergrad because I went to Canada and witnessed free healthcare and went to the land of my roots, Japan, and wrote about it all in my moleskin notebook whilst going camping and loving the environment and listening to Mos Def (hint to future grad school applicants: the people who read your essays are white).
I sent in a few applications: a bunch of low-tier schools, a bunch of mid-tier ones and a few impossible ones. I was obviously going to grad school for computer science. Yes, I did study English Lit in undergrad as well, but I’m fucking Asian.
It was hard enough trying to not commit seppuku with my writing utensil whenever some douche would proclaim, “the pen is mightier than the sword” to test the logic.
It was hard enough trying to convince my grandmother I was actually enjoying studying the native language of the
PNC Park
The one good thing: the ballpark. The baseball sucks though, and you can read that both figuratively and literally. country which dropped two atomic bombs on hers.
It was hard enough watching my parents weep and pray to some Asian altar making kung-fu hand seals as each English class sucked away another chance I would become a Doctor. Or…a convenience store owner.
So I applied to a few computer science graduate programs with the far-fetched goal both Teddy and I would somehow end up in UWash-Seattle and be rad roommates despite it being top ten in both of our fields with rigorous admission standards. Obviously my plan to inject my essay with as many Stuff White People Like points didn’t work (fuck, some computer scientists are Asian and can’t read English!)…but surprisingly, it landed me in one of the best programs in the country.
To this day, I still can’t figure out how it happened. Perhaps they saw my budding genius through a subpar GPA and non-existent extracurriculars?
Whatever the reason, I was ecstatic. Except one thing. It’s in fucking Pittsburgh.
First off, Pittsburgh is in Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania, for those not in the know, would be the worst fucking state in the union if New Jersey doesn’t get annexed by New York City as a garbage dump. Some quick facts about Pennsylvania: the number of rapes with male victims is higher than the number of rapes with female victims yet the state is ridiculously homophobic. The state was founded by a Quaker yet their idol is a midget Italian boxer. The midget Italian boxer doesn’t even fucking exist.
And then Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh not only resides in Pennsylvania but also is the closest one can get to the heartland without actually being in the heartland. Think Ohio and West Virginia and those are the two closest places of prominence around Pittsburgh. Fucking Ohio and West Virginia! Fucking Drew Carey and…and…and coal miners?
Needless to say, with these types of neighbors, one can already imagine the shit that is Pittsburgh. Other than the Steelers and the Penguins, what the fuck is Pittsburgh known for? Can you name anything else about Pittsburgh other than their football team (and if you're Canadian, their hockey team)?
Let me tell you: Fat bitches? Check. Redneck racists and depressed blacks and no one living above the poverty line? Check. A city no one fucking cares about? Check. This city doesn’t fit me at all. A Venn diagram of me and Pittsburgh would look like two braless tits.
Let me give you a brief history of Pittsburgh: it was one of the most opulent cities because it was a banking hub…and then the Great Depression hit and leveled the city. Then a few barons set up steel as the main industry…and then the shit moved to China, destroying the city. And then some genius decided to make the mainstay of the city banking again…and now we’re in the middle of recession again and the city is getting cleaned out.
Pittsburgh has the most abandoned houses per person, most crimes per person and lowest income per person in the US.
Pittsburgh: Detroit but even fucking colder.
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ioama
Cory H. Bensen
At least you're in a city...
Although Pittsburgh has a university with people your age, and at least a couple bars. You could be living in rural Montana, or South Dakota... even colder, flatter, and more redneck. But I can't wait to hear what happens next to you in Pittsburgh...haha.