Buggies, Boobs, Butts, OH MY!

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Monday was Aly’s turn for guzzolene powered fun. This morning we would be taking dune buggies out into the desert. Our shuttle was jammed pack with a group of young girls whose prowess operating off road vehicles and overall attitudes would make their guide’s day I’m sure. Not judging (okay yes I am) but I was glad we we’re assigned a separate group. There weren’t much too these buggies. A steel tube frame with 2 plastic seats, an engine, and a steering wheel. Aly drove for most of the trip, only dumping sand all over us once as she smashed through a dune (which was still awesome). It was fun but I felt like I was in a martini shaker most the day, wondering what effect it was having on the breakfast I’d eaten. I took over driving for the last 15 minutes or so, only because the lack of power steering and the rough terrain can really do a number on one’s biceps.

Upon returning to the Strip we dumped the sand out of our shoes the best we could and went to the House of Blues for lunch. Visiting a House of Blues has become somewhat of a tradition for us. The food is always great and the tunes even better. We were glad to say the one in Vegas retains its usual southern charm. The one we visited in California last year had recently been moved out of Downtown Disney and it had a real sterile, boring ambience tin its new location. Probably to make it “in line with the times.” We drank extra-powerful margaritas boosted with a shot of gran-marnier (a HoB specialty) and ate enough deep fried/BBQ goodness to facilitate an excellent afternoon nap. (Remember, secret old people).

For our last dinner we ate at Wolfgang Puck’s “Spago” at the Bellagio. It was pricey but well worth the view of the Bellagio’s famous fountains off the balcony. This view was only interrupted with moderate frequency by other diners trying to get their pictures in front of said fountains while they were going off. No bother though. Our entrees were excellent and our drinks, named after Led Zeppelin’s “Ramble On”, were a delightful concoction of gin, botanicals, and a sprig of thyme. Then she came in. A lady with big, fake tits and that “I’m so pretty” kind of voice sat down with her husband at a nearby table. I think boobs were in control of her actions. The right boob would whisper “you need ANOTHER selfie in front of the fountain. The first eight weren’t enough.” “Yesssss,” the left boob would ooze in, “think of how much hubby paid for us. Better take a couple videos too. If anything you’re improving the view for the other diners.” Naturally hubby was all over facilitating this and the creepy old man a couple tables down offered to take their photo too. On his phone of course. Eventually the couple conceded that their food was getting cold and sat down to eat… and maybe snap a couple quickies between bites. Gotta keep those Instagram followers up to date you know.

This evening’s after-dinner entertainment was Circe de Soleil’s “Zumanity” which I’ve affectionately dubbed “the boobs and butts show”. Like any Circe show, it was filled with amazing acrobatic feats, but this time of an erotic and clothing-less nature. We had a great time, but were glad to be a couple rows back as the show involved audience participation. “You. You have been smiling the whole time” said Edie, the show’s drag queen host to an unsuspecting audience member. “Oh, she stopped smiling now. Hahaha!” It was all good natured though and there was something for everyone. They accidentally(?) picked a guy higher than a kite to go up on stage. He admitted he was from some town “up north” which nobody had ever heard of. “Have you ever had an orgy?” asked Edie. “Uhhh…” The man was clearly not ready for this type of questioning. “Oh sorry, you probably don’t have enough people for an orgy where you’re from!” Edey interrupted, much the crowd’s amusement. The man was then allowed to sort of just lie on the stage floor as the performers rubbed his chest while another audience member entertained the crowd with their antics. I had never seen anything like this before but I was happy to say we left entertained and in the mood for… a nap.

We begrudgingly awoke Tuesday morning, knowing it was time to leave and we’d have to go back to work tomorrow. Our cab driver laughed when we said where we were headed home to and gave us the ol’ “Canada?! Must be cold haw haw haw!” bit. Classic. While waiting for our plane I realized we hadn’t gambled even once during our whole trip. I decided to give a slot machine a try. It had a big lever on it that was shouting “PULL THE LEVER TYLER!” I put in $5, pushed a button and it was gone. Within 5 seconds. Gone. And I didn’t even get to pull the lever. I had reaffirmed my feeling that gambling’s dumb. Save yourself the heart ache when you go to Vegas. Skip the craps table and the roulette wheel and stick with decadent food and high octane gasoline.

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Photos

Dune Buggy
Barely any sand in shoes yet... that would change

Bellagio Fountains at Spago
Boob lady not present

Gambling
Disappointment incoming