A splash of HP in Orlando **SPOILER ALERT**

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Better late than never (oh yes it is!! – as we near the Panto season!!) Roisin and I have been home just over 2 weeks now. It has taken me this long to recover from the jet lag! Work has felt like I was having an out of body experience!! Now to continue with the final instalment of our latest travels

Roisin and I travel because we love the excitement of arriving somewhere new; of hearing a new language and trying to make sense of it; of trying different foods; of muddling our way through an alien transport system; of chance encounters with people where we don't share a common language yet can communicate; of seeing the sights that have enthralled us since we saw them in atlases or on TV…then there's Florida!!!

Our experience of Florida is heat, humidity and theme parks. Not everyone's cup of tea. It is definitely an acquired taste: a Darjeeling or Earl Grey perhaps? The thing with trying these flavours is, with time, you start wondering if the taste wasn't so bad after all and decide to try another cuppa!! As I drew back the curtains to look out over Port Everglades in South Florida's Fort Lauderdale, the kettle was boiling, the Earl Grey and Darjeeling already in the teapots and we were ready to once again, to misquote John Lennon, 'Gives Teas a Chance!!!'

On leaving Florida last time it was pissing down. On arriving just over 9 years later it is still pissing down!! However, the temperature was in the high 70s so it was warm pish!!

We vacated our cabin at 7:45am and ventured up to Horizon Court for the very last time. After breakfast it was a case of hanging around until ‘Silver 5' was announced and it would be our turn to disembark. Our scheduled time slot was 9:40 but as is to be expected, things were running a little behind. The plan today was to pick up a hire car and head to the Everglades for an airboat ride before the 200 mile drive north to Orlando. We had already decided to just head straight up and leave the Everglades until next October when we are due to return. Our decision was a wise one, as we didn't actually exit the cruise terminal until 10:45am. We took the short taxi ride to Fort Lauderdale airport where we picked up the Hertz rental car with little or no fuss.

We tossed a coin and when Roisin refused to make it ‘best out of 3', I took the keys and made myself comfortable in the drivers seat

‘Damn it's an automatic,' I said out loud looking down at where the missing pedal should be!! ‘I then looked across at the gear stick. ‘P, R, N..what the hell's 3-D?Has the theme park fun already extended to the car rental industry? Can I expect a Spiderman or Incredible Hulk to suddenly appear on the car bonnet? It there a manual in the glove box? OK, back to basics.'

If anyone were walking past at the precise moment seeing me sitting in a car with the manual on his lap wouldn't inspire them with confidence. I didn't have to look far as Roisin was already checking for a bus timetable!

‘…depress brake, switch on ignition and with your foot still on the brake, move the shift stick to the 3-D position.' I did this. No super heroes materialised, masked, green or otherwise!! The 3-D referred to the ‘Drive' position. There were also a ‘2' and a ‘1' position. These positions added extra ‘umph' to the engine if required. Without thinking I had used my left foot for the brake pedal. That was a good start. Roisin was frantically scribbling a note on a piece of paper. When she had finished, she leaned over and pinned the paper my shorts. I looked down. In block capitals she had written 3 words, ‘DO NOT USE!'

You have to forget you've got a left foot', she added.

We were straight on to the I-595 and within a few miles, turned on to the I-95. From this we needed to head for the Florida turnpike. A turnpike is a road on which a driver may travel for a fee. In other words, a toll road! We seemed to be stopping every few miles at a Toll Plaza. At our first of many toll plazas before we knew that their frequency would be almost as often as seeing the orange breakdown service telephone box at the side of a UK motorway, we somehow ended up on the Sawgrass Highway.

‘Orlando is a long way off and not getting any closer', I said to Roisin as we watched the road sign change from Orlando 188 miles to Orlando 194 miles.

Turning the map the right way up she said, ‘That's because we're on the wrong road. Take the next exit'

More than several turns later and a few friendly gestures to those ‘drivers' (I use that word loosely) who cut me up, we managed to fluke our way back on to the Florida turnpike heading in the right direction.

After a few stops, a change of driver and 3 ½ hours later we were turning on to International Drive and shortly thereafter our hotel came in to sight.

This 14-½ mile stretch, otherwise known as I-drive is home to our final stop, the Rosen Hotel as well as at least 100 similar establishments. (I've only just realised. Put the ‘i' in to Rosen and you have Roisin…how spooky is that??? In a nice sort of way, of course!!) Hotels along I-Drive are interspersed with bars, restaurants, shops and attractions. Signs stick out along the sidewalks, all brightly coloured and battling to catch your eye, each sign gaudier than the last. I say that in a complimentary sort of way as we homosapiens like gaudy, the brighter and shinier the better. (or is that just diamonds??!!)

We were only booked in to the Rosen for one night, as our flight home would be at 7:30pm the day after. Our plan was to visit the Island of Adventure theme park resort in the morning and then head straight to the airport for our evening flight. Island of Adventure lies only 1 mile from our hotel and is adjacent to Universal Studios. Neither of us are really theme park fans; especially those that have rides that threaten to relieve you of your breakfast…simultaneously from both ends!!!

Universal Studios is probably more to our liking, as it is full of shows and relatively ‘tame' attractions. However, we couldn't come all this way without experiencing the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. We didn't have the time and certainly not the energy to sample both parks so we decided to give the Island of Adventure a whirl.

The park tickets could be purchased at the hotel with a modest discount. We asked the assistant directions to the main entrance. When we advised her that we would be walking the 1-mile I thought her eyes were going to pop out on stalks and her jaw drop to the ground as if in a Disney Cartoon. She tried to convince us to take a taxi but we politely declined this invitation. After all, it was only 1 measly mile!!!

Have you ever walked a mile in 75º heat and 82% humidity? It was only 9:30am but after only a few hundred yards we hat already drank half our water supply and sweated twice as much out. We were beginning to regret this decision. I had visions of our ticket seller crouched over a crystal ball watching two ghostly figures come in to focus and then cackling with glee at the 2 Brits that never listened to reason!!!

Within half an hour we had entered the main entrance and headed immediately for the nearest store to replenish our water supplies!

Despite thousands of people frequenting this theme park (after all it was Sunday), these types of places by no means seemed full. I have never been to any of Orlando's theme parks in the height of summer and I have heard that queues can easily last for over 1 hour. Today the average queue time seemed to be 25 minutes.

The first ride I was attracted to was ‘the Cat in the Hat'. We asked the attendant what could we expect. We were told it is a carriage that runs on a track through a tunnel as the story of the Cat in the Hat is narrated. There were a few gentle spins but nothing major. Roisin remained unconvinced.

I had to take a ‘test ride' before I finally convinced Mrs H to partake in Dr. Seuss at its classic best!

The ride was similar to a ‘grotto' with animatronics either side of the tunnel acting out the story. I forgot to mention to Roisin about the occasional spin to the right then sharp spin to the left before a full circle spin as the story reached its finale. It was worth the ear bashing I received afterwards for failing to disclose these features just to see that slight hint of satisfaction on her face. This may, however, be down to the fact that whilst riding the air-conditioned Cat in the Hat it was welcome respite from the relentless humidity we had forgotten about for 6 minutes but quickly returned to the reality as we continued past The Lost Kingdom' toward Harry Potter and friends.

We arrived at an arched entrance. Looking up, in the distance towered what seemed to be a full size replica of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Looking back down, we were now facing the Hogwarts Express, the steam train that takes Potter and his chums from platform 9 ¾ in Kings Cross Station. The train was stationary at Hogmeads station and was the first of many photo opportunities for those who had just entered the Harry Potter experience.

Diagon alley is another masterly replica of the cobbled street and shopping area portrayed in the Potter films. We passed the magic milliner that is McHaverlock wizarding headgear before entering the store of Ollivander's Wand Shop, Makers of Fine Wands since 382 B.C.

‘I didn't realise there were so many different types of wand. From ebony, hawthorn, hazel, pear and oak ones to wands made from, yew, birch, aspen, and elder. The centre cores ranged from Veela hair and dragon heartstring to Phoenix feathers and even Kneazle whiskers!' Said I.

‘It's not bloody real!!' exclaimed Roisin taking another swig of water.

‘Disappearus!!' I said to myself

‘Chris why are you pointing that wand at me? Roisin asked

I didn't answer. I just put the wand back in its box.

‘'No harm in testing', I thought. But of couse I knew she was right!!

As we left Diagon Alley over to our right stood ‘Dragon Challenge'. The ‘ad' explained that whether you choose the Hungarian Horntail or the Chinese Fireball, this roller coaster is two completely different experiences.

This is nothing however compared to the green monstrosity known as the Hulk. The rollercoaster that defies the laws of gravity. The words rollercoaster and attraction seem to be a paradox!! How can anything where the prime aim is to scare the bejeebus out of you be considered to be attractive!!!

Opposite this was the ultimate Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey. The queue time was only 25 minutes so without further ado I said my farewells to Roisin (there is no way I could convince her to accompany me) and off I went.

I found there was no waiting time at all. Those in the ‘ordinary' queue moved just as fast as those who held an express ticket. The 20 minutes or so was taken up by walking through sets such as the Gryffindor common room, Dumbledors study, Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom and the Room of Requirements. This was an audio visual experience and added to the suspense of it all. The queue kept moving steadily toward our goal.

The ride was, in essence, a simulator. Joining a moving carriage, a harness was lowered in to place. It went pitch black. Hermione counted down…'3-2-1…'

Whoosh!! Hyperspace. I am now flying!! Weaving in and out of the ballustrades of Hogwarts. HP suddenly appears over my shoulder, turns and says something but I'm not listening. I'm holding on tight as the simulator shifts to the right, then to the left. A quick swoop and we are inches above the Great Lake. You can actually feel the spray of the water as you fly at speed then up, up, up…. A dragon appears from nowhere. It snorts and fire is released. You can actually feel the heat. ‘Sod that!' I thought but the broom had the same idea as we swerved to avoid the incoming fireball.

The ride probably didn't last more than a few minutes but was well worthy of having the word ‘experience' in the title of this extraordinary ride.

It was nearly time to leave but not before one last ride on the Amazing Adventures of Spiderman. This is another simulator (or stimulator as my mum says: ‘It's nice to see one of those stimulators bringing a smile to so many people' If only she knew the half!!!)

Spiderman was similar to Harry Potter in many ways right down to the spray of water. What is it with theme parks and water?? If I wanted to get sprayed I'd have gone to Wet n'Wild or ridden on the Dudley Do Right raft thingy!

We took the $8 taxi ride back to the hotel. This has been the best $8 we have spent during the whole trip. We changed in to some welcome clean clothes before driving to Orlando International Airport.

So my thoughts on the Great British tradition that is Orlando?? Well, to refer back to my original tea analogy…whilst tea can be very refreshing, I think I'll stick to coffee!!!

During our wait in departures, we got talking to a couple who were flying to Atlanta on Delta Airlines. Unfortunately their flight had been delayed by a few hours. I told them that they could qualify for a very special quiz team if they ever felt like cruising with Princess!!

We gave our best wishes to them and moved toward the gate that had now appeared on the board; aVirgin Atlantic flight direct to Manchester.

We have now been away from home for 20 nights and it all boils down to the last 30 minutes to spoil the whole holiday. We had made ourselves comfortable waiting for the sign to board when the public announcement system kicked in: ‘Will a Mr David Moyes please come to the boarding desk'

‘No it can't be', I said to Roisin. ‘Just someone with an unfortunate name!!' I carried on with my crossword.

Less than a minute later Roisin nudged me. ‘It is! Look!!'

There before me, no further than a few yards away stood the Everton Manager looking relaxed but knowing he will soon have to pose for the inevitable photos and autographs. ‘Don't look,' I said. ‘If we pretend we don't know him it might give him an inferiority complex that may affect the impending Derby!!' Unfortunately for that to work everyone has to do it. After the ‘free' upgrade the swarms gathered round and he obliged with no fuss. He was happy to pose for photos and sign autographs.

This may have been a blow to my solar plexis, however, it was not the final kick to the groin. We were flying home Premium Economy. There was no Upper Class on this flight. Roisin had a few hours earlier, made sure we swapped our seats at the back of the cabin for bulk head seats. These are the seats at the front of the plane that have so much more leg room. As we settled in our seats I turned around to see where Mr Moyes and his companion was. The kick to the groin came when I saw they were only sitting in the seats we had vaccated!!

I jest of course about it spoiling the holiday. Mr Moyes is a very capable Manager in charge of a very capable team!!!

I wonder were the rest of the Everton team where? Had he left them in economy, I wondered. I had visions of Leighton Baines poping his head through the curtain and saying: ‘Aw eh! Boss! Anchibe and Fellaini are fighting over the headset and I can't concentrate on the Simpsons!!!'

This was going to be the last blog as The Mayan calendar suddenly finishes thus indicating that the World will end on 22^nd December 2012. As we are not due to take our next trip until February 2013, there will be no blog, no cruise or indeed no world to enjoy after this date.

However, I have since been reliably informed that the Mayan's calendar does not predict the end of the world. It has now been deciphered by boffins that the cessation of the Mayan calendar is due to the end of a calendar cycle.

So the good news is my next blog will be due in Feb 2013!!

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Comments

[Jane P-H]

Fabulous Chris, absolutely fabulous. I can provide automatic lessons (yes, I now have an 4WD auto) and I have this picture in my head of you in a Harry Potter costume (complete with glasses) waving a wand at Roisin; but of course, if it had
worked you know she'd have got her own back! Ignore the Mayan calendar, I know they got it wrong because it says so on Wiki.