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Published: August 21st 2009
Mom's birthday lunch a few days ago at Mozza's pizzaria in Los Angeles.
I spent most of my summer helping to take care of my Mom in South Pasadena. Her paperwork was a mess and she had surgery on both of her feet. My boyfriend Pablo was still there getting ready to move back to his parents' in Juarez, and I helped him out with that too and went there to visit for a week. It was good to see friends and family, but I was not very happy to be in L.A. Most days were spent taking care of the house and family. I have never felt comfortable in Los Angeles, even though I've lived here a cumulative of 5.5 years. There are beautiful things here unlike those I've seen anywhere else. There are many things to do, places to go, but none of them feel real to me. It is hard to find community here, and hard to find friends who are from here. I do have some amazing friends here, but they are from other places and just passing through as I am. I've found that many people are initially excited to be here, but after a year or two also feel ready to move on. The shaky ground beneath our
Mom and Me
Lunch at Mozza's pizzaria.
feet reminds me of just how impermanent everything here feels - as though it could be blown away in a sandstorm at any moment. The hollywood attitude breeding egoism and false appearances only makes this worse. The impermanence and meritocracy have always left me far from content here, and it is time for me to leave. I will miss the great friends I made here but hope to visit them around the world when they too move on or head home, and I'll certainly be back to visit my Mom and sister a lot.
Early this morning, Mom dropped me off at union station in the so I could take the shuttle bus to the airport for my flight to Milwaukee. She's been very upset that I'm leaving, but I can't stay here and grow as a person. Even though she wants family and support here, I need a change. After spending my summer here there was little else I could do for her or for myself, but it was still sad to leave. I got out of the car and as she pulled away, the street lights went out.
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