Fear and Loving in Catalina: Part One

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“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Pre-note: I'm not saying that this experience cured my fear, but I am saying that I took one small step to overcome my fear. I finally understood that my fears could stop me from actually living my life.



Maybe I selected the time to face my fear because of the events that happened over the course of a year. Then again, I had always wanted to do something that would make my heart jump. Bobby's birthday seemed to start out like any ordinary occasion with the usual planning and research on the internet. We had both experienced Catalina Island in various ways. Mostly by travelling on a friend's boat, relaxing at a restaurant and then returning to the mainland. This time, we wanted to be adventurous and spend more than just an hour on the island. It had been years since we went on an adventure. The last one was camping across America to see relatives in Ohio and Detroit. Was it the stress of the last year that made us decide that we could handle a new adventure that would force me to face my greatest fear?

This last year was full of trips to hospitals, doctors, image centers, and sharing time with family. My father had developed a rare case of anemia that was possibly related to his medication. We spent two trips to the emergency room and countless nights in the hospitals. Fear was becoming my second nature. I would jump when the phone would ring and I feared every second. The next big blow came when my 91-year-old grandmother suffered another medical complication from her medication. More trips would follow and a surgery would be needed for my grandmother. At this point, I'm not sure what caused my path to change...they say that stress can build character. Perhaps the last year had strengthened me.

At one point, Bobby and I decided on a hotel and the time of the trip. We would get up early on his birthday and travel 26 miles to Catalina Island. We would then find our hotel and spend the day walking the beach. That didn't seem like an entirely bad or special way to spend Bobby's 60th birthday. It was a milestone and we needed a milestone event. Enter the Catalina Zip Line Eco Tour. This seemed like the perfect start to a beautiful weekend except one thing: I was terrified of heights and not being in control. Before reality could set in, we booked the zip line tour. It was a moment that both terrified and excited me. To be brutally honest, I love camping and hiking....just not near cliffs. I've had my moments where I backed out of silly things. Bobby was kind enough to remind me about the those experiences.

Flashback to our cross country trip. We didn't plan a zip line for that event. In fact, we only planned to cross the Royal Gorge bridge...on foot. I remember that moment. Standing on the side of the bridge where we parked. I kept my feet firmly planted on the parking lot. Occasionally, I would walk to the edge and think, "you can do this." Every time I tried to take a step...I could feel my heart race. I had images of the bridge falling and me screaming to my death. I never crossed that bridge. I waited for Bobby to return and listened to him as he complained about my fears for the remaining three days of the trip. This moment haunted my soul. It made me sad and angry that I wouldn't even walk that bridge. That wasn't the only time that I freaked out about heights. Years ago, we took the Palm Springs Tram to the top of the mountain. I looked at my shoes and cringed with every rotation and move up towards the zenith. It seemed so dangerous that I considered walking down the mountain. So, why would we book a zip line tour? I mean it is a cable strung across a canyon....so what would make me do this? At this point, I found countless youtube videos of people happily zipping along the line in Catalina and other destinations. I watched and wondered...what was so different about me that I couldn't do this?

For the next two weeks, I watched and researched the safety of zip lines. I must have seen hundreds of videos ranging from beginner to advanced zip lines. I even pretended that the edge of the rug was the edge of the platform. The Royal Gorge Bridge incident and the Palm Springs Tram incident haunted me. They made me remember that I was fragile. That life was fragile. One thing was different, I had taken years of statistics classes and even taught statistics to students at a local college. The numbers made me feel safer at home, would it work for me on the platform?

Before we knew it, it was time to pack for our trip. At this point, I started to panic. What if the pole snapped and the cable fell to the ground while I was on it? I mean everything has a failure rate, what if it happens to me? I started to realize that I should just focus on packing and not stress about what could happen. So, I returned to packing as it was only an overnight trip and that required some focus to pack only what we needed and nothing else. We wanted to bring our guitar and the uke so that we could play on the balcony of the hotel.

How would I be able to pull it together to actually follow through?

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