Hysterical Journey to Historic Places

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THOMAS R. BARD



Go out to the north end of 4^th Avenue and cross the river. Take a right turn at the first stop sign. It will put you on to county road S24. That road goes out to Imperial Dam after making a few twists and turns. Stay on the paved road surface and follow the painted line. In due course you will arrive at a date grove and the sleepy little community of Bard. If you go out there around Christmastime it will be a handy place to use the post office. Long lines of customers do not exist there at any time. One of the date farmers out there has collection of old rusty farm machinery that he proudly calls the Cloud Museum. The main attraction at Bard is a little store where you can buy the best date shakes available anywhere. Some combination, not found elsewhere on the planet, of earth, water and sunshine produces the finest crop of Medjool Dates found in the world. The little store has packages of date products that you can send to your pals at Christmas when they complain too bitterly about your annual gifting of fruitcakes. The little community of Bard was named to honor a fruitcake named Thomas R. Bard, who never set foot there. Tom was born near Chambersburg, MD in 1841. He grew up to be a law dog for the Pennsylvania Railroad and served as a superintendent on the Cumberland Line. He managed to escape service in the Civil War by purchasing a replacement to serve in his place on the roster. He did however claim to be a civilian spy for the Union army when the Confederacy marched gamely up to Gettysburg in the summer of 1863. In 1864 he moved out to Santa Barbara County in California and took a position on the board of supervisors who founded Ventura County. He lived in Port Hueneme, developed a deep water port there and built a fine mansion for his family. He became a political hack and served on the Republican Delegation to National Convention in 1884. In 1886 he served as director on the California Board of Agriculture. In 1887 he sat on the founding board of Occidental College. In 1899 he was elected to a six year hitch in the United States Senate where he served on the Committee for Irrigation. Through his efforts appropriations were passed that brought water to the desert. While serving in the Senate he endorsed the application of George S. Patton to West Point. Tom died in Port Hueneme in 1915 and is buried on the grounds of his fancy home. It was called Berylwood. Bard does not have any beryl, or any wood much either.

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