Reflections

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I'm sitting at my parents' watching the snow fall on the cacti and making lists, checking them twice... wishing I could just up and leave and skip these steps.

But what of the necessary things we must do before we move on?

Before you die, for example, you're supposed to make a will, a living will, pick a POA, figure out how you want to be remembered, etc etc.

Your life is supposed to be in perfect order, or darn close, so as to make things easier for everyone else. I'm not sure if it even benefits the death-ee, even with solace or peace of mind. Who really thinks, "ahhh, now I know that Timmy will get my wok, John the car, and Liz the house.... I'll put Tom in charge since he always seems to know what he's doing and there won't be any fighting since I've covered all the details."

So as I sit, getting ready to leave the US for a year or more, what do I have to do? I have to pack my apt up, sell my car, get a POA, move my safebox and its puny contents.... and think about how much of my life I really want people to know about if something should happen to me. Things that are important to me aren't necessarily important after I'm gone. Like photos. Odd trinkets.
Part of me wants to protect that, and I tell myself its because I want to protect the privacy of my friends, but really, am I lying to myself, or do I just want to have that sense of self, that part of me that stays private, protected, that no one really knows? Is is to preserve my sense of independence and a sacred part of my identity, or do I just need to face the fact that when it's over, and it all comes out, so who cares?

These seem like pretty serious thoughts to be having at age 29, but really, I am mortal and you can't take it with you. It's not like I have a legacy, but I want to be remembered how I want to be remembered.

I guess I want to be in charge of my life even after it's over.




But I am planning on coming back 😊

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