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Published: August 3rd 2011
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So it has been awhile since I’ve gone anywhere. This weekend was a road trip to the Hosh camp in Dryden. The road part of the trip was great, had company with my sis-in-law and got to provide her with her first ever ‘Burger Scoop’ burger experience. Which never disappoints. And she bought! However in exchange there was a 30 minute lecture on the problems of elementary education in the remote north as we drove from Ignace to Dryden. It was followed by info on Sex Change Hospital, so it more than made up for it for me. You can always hook me with a good transgendered story.
Weekend was uneventful. The triathalon that was to be was not. The planning has been going on for months, and the training for at least for 4 weeks. Men vs women. Ed and I are the starting swim leg. One of us doesn’t think they can make it. So the day of the triathlon I’m standing in the line up in the liquor store and I get the text that ‘too hot for tri’. Men chicken out. Not surprising. So everyone came over for dinner and a sauna and much word-based athletic challenging. Result at the end of the evening? Tri is back on! Saturday morning at 9am! For some reason I’m expecting something to happen. Either way I am prepared. Very exciting for me, I’ve never been on a team before! OK, grade 7 basketball but we all know that no one really wanted me on that team and that if I wasn’t 5’9” in grade 7 I would never have been recruited. I guess they thought they could teach anyone to run and dribble at the same time. Wrong.
So I’m getting ready to go to Dryden, packing, and I can’t find my bathing suit. The nice one. The one I spent $90 on. In my defense, I thought it was on sale. It wasn’t. I look everywhere. Gone. So I pack the two suits I have, neither of which are good choices. My real swim suit is too big and the rear is droopy. Guessing the elastic is shot. I pack it anyways. My other suit is a strapless tankini. Yeah, strapless. Here is rule #1 of swimsuits: large chested women should not wear a strapless tankini. It always seems like a good idea at the time: I was trying to get rid of the strap marks that I had from vacation so that my bridesmaid dress would look good. So I would just suntan in it in my backyard. Ended up taking it to Sanderson camp one weekend, where it was just going to be my mom and sis. Then sis’s fiancé comes and now I’m the vulgar one in the strapless tankini. Its sort of like a tube top in spandex. Questionable at best, too much boob at worst. I had the worst going on.
Anyways, so now I’m in Dryden, thinking that I am going to be doing the swim part of the triathlon, in front of people. Good friends people. Middle of the day, full sun and I need to wear a bathing suit. And my choices are droopy rear or vulgar tube top. Neither are ok options. Remember, it is Dryden, and the Sunday of the long weekend. So my option is Walmart. It’s a bathing suit, how bad could it be? Walmart has two options for bathing suits. Well, three really, but one was just too ugly. So there are two bathing suits, both black. They look pretty basic. I pick one. I don’t try it on. Those dressing rooms seem like temporary closets and I’m not taking the chance of the thing falling over and me being exposed in Walmart. Even my ego couldn’t take that. So I grab my size and figure it will be good. And it’s only $17! Bonus.
The triathlon being cancelled/postponed/whatever could not have worked out better for me, because I didn’t have to put that suit on. That’s mercy if there ever was. Because the next day I put the suit on. I had just gone for a bike ride and it was 30 degrees so I was good and sweaty and decided to go straight into the lake. The suit was a fight to get on, but I figured that was because I was already sticky. So the suit is on and it doesn’t feel great, but whatever, it will be good in the water. The back has an opening like a tear drop. The bottom of the tear drop is a bit low, almost butt crack low. So I start walking out. It’s a walk to get into the water where it is deep enough to swim. So I’m walking, and the suit is clearly too short. And the leg openings are too tight. You would think that too tight leg openings would keep the suit down. Not so. The whole thing is riding up. Which isn’t the worst thing that can happen in a suit. So I try to pull it down and make the giant mistake of looking down. The middle section of the suit looks like a garbage bag. I don’t think it is even touching my skin, except that it is suction cupped to my belly button. Beyond disturbing. I have no clue how a suit could do that. So now I have tight elastic at my legs, the back of the suit well up my butt but the tear drop hole showing the top of my rear, the middle is sagging and in the very middle you can see my belly button. I should have dove in the water then. The top of the suit is unlined. I know, it was $17!!! I had no clue. So now the heavy chested woman is walking in a bathing suit with no support. I’m not young, I know that. And I am aware of how gravity works. But what was happening in the top of the swimsuit is like nothing ever seen before. Things are going in opposite directions, and yet none of those directions is up. The straps on the suit are thin, and I guess they were too big, because one falls off my shoulder, creating a big gap at the front of the suit. I have no clue what happened to that breast and I wasn’t looking down. I just kept walking. Dove in, walked out, looking straight ahead and hoping it was too early for the neighbours to be out. I think I had that suit off before I hit the deck of the camp.
Today I am going to the swim suit shop. There is no problem that can’t be fixed by throwing a few hundred dollars at it. Because on Friday, I’m heading back to Dryden…
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