Another trip already? Wow!

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Hello friends! Even though I just got back from New Zealand, I’m already off on another life journey to an exotic location, beautiful Grande Prairie, Alberta! And work is paying for it, hooray! Now, there are flights to Grand Prairie from Calgary, but to truly get the full experience you need to drive. Only then can you appreciate what this province is all about. And what better vehicle to take than the quintessential Alberta highway king, a Ford F-150. Mine is a quad cab, 2.7L Ecoboost in stunning government fleet white with grey cloth interior. His name is Hank.

Hank and I left Calgary heading north on the Queen Elizabeth Highway or QE2. I’m sure ol’ Lizzy was flattered to have such a road named after her. It’s not like it goes through the mountains or by anything majestic that makes it into Canadian tourist brochures. Nevertheless, it is a major artery for the province and has many unique landmarks to entertain even the most cynical of travelers. Like the barn outside Innisfail which has been progressively collapsing over the last decade and a half. Or the derelict gas station by Ponoka with the totally legitimate “Uncle John’s Fireworks” run out of a bright yellow shipping container. He’s open 7 days a week here people. And be sure to stop by the Donut Mill in Red Deer’s famous gasoline alley. I recommend the Oreo-style Boston cream.

Even regular travelers can discover something new. For me, it was the graffiti on the other derelict gas station by Carstairs (which does not have a giant staircase made of scrapped cars by the way. Talk about a missed opportunity). In giant brightly coloured block letters the name “BERT” is ornately drawn on the front of this station, which I don’t think ever operated in my life time. When you think of a dark, mysterious, underground urban artist the name Bert doesn’t exactly jump forth. Especially Bert with an “e”. At least if you spelt it “Burt” you say it with some heft. It’s a pretty solid name. Burt. Burt with the moustache. Burt with the hair on his chest. Now “Bert” on the other hand, you say his name in that high-pitched nasal tone reserved for gross stereotypes of nerds on TV. Bert. Bert with the braces. Bert the assistant manager at Staples. Maybe this actually was the assistant manager at Staples lashing out because that prick Gary on the other shift got all the credit for increasing sales of copy paper by 6.3% last quarter.

Some people joke that Canada has two seasons, road construction and winter. That is, quite frankly, preposterous. We have four seasons just like everybody else. And they are slush, rock chip, construction, and winter. For those reading abroad I’d advise not visiting during slush, which is what we’re in right now. Rock chip season can be okay, especially if you’re in a rental car where you aren’t responsible for the paint and wind shield. Construction is usually nicer but don’t plan on getting anywhere quickly. Winter is fun for skiing and skating if you’re into that. Or just freezing to death. To think that people elsewhere pay to go to ice bars to do what Canadians can for free in the backyards. Anyway, now that you’re well informed about the Canadian climate I’ll continue with saying that it was a pretty decent spring slush day outside. The road was dry and the sky was clear. Well here at least. Following a stop for lunch in Edmonton with Matthew and Denny the clouds came back, suggesting winter could resume at any moment.

I left the farms and ranches of the QE2 behind as I headed west from Edmonton onto the Yellowhead highway. Much of the journey from here onward would be nothing be nothing but pine and aspen forest. And oil wells. All the oil wells. Hey, we’ve got a country to pay for here. Just outside of Fox Creek, a large sign informed me that the upcoming Shell gas station was voted “Best Bathroom in Canada”. This was puzzling because 150 km back down the road I’d passed a similarly enthusiastic sign proclaiming that the Esso station in Whitecourt was also voted “Best Bathroom in Canada”. I had no idea this was such a prestigious title, let alone that the two national contenders would be on the same stretch of northern Alberta highway. The world’s top travel writers should come up here and settle this dispute once and for all. Who knows, maybe these remote road side facilities could give the toilets at Chateau Lake Louise and the Banff Springs a run for their money.

Grande Prairie is an oil town. A big one at that. So it boasts an impressive assortment of chain restaurants and box stores. If you’ve really made it here as a small business owner you lease space in the prestigious “KFC Plaza”. Yes, it has a KFC in the same parking lot as the rest of the strip mall. The Colonel’s grinning face lords over the other businesses, reminding them whose town this is. On Wednesday we had our team meeting, the details of which I will glaze over despite how fascinating they may be. (Cliff’s notes: discussions were had; I got to draw stuff on the white board). After our meeting we went to Earl’s for dinner. We chose Earl’s because in our opinion they have the most charming wait staff. I had a delightful meal. I mean, the food could have been crap (it wasn’t) and I still would have enjoyed frequenting their establishment. Kyle and I drove back to the hotel where, as we walked into the lobby, two men were have a loud dispute over lord knows what trivial issue. It probably started where one questioned the other’s manhood since his truck was a Dodge and only had a 4 inch lift kit. Gotta have at least 6 inches if you want to be something up here.

By morning winter had indeed decided to return to our province, with a frigid, gale force wind buffeting my hotel window. I got up early and hit the road wanting to avoid the forecasted 10 cm of snow. Charging into the wind the whole way back resulted in Hank achieving a gas mileage usually reserved for air craft carriers. Despite this, I made it back to Calgary safe and sound having successfully out run the snow. I was a little disappointed that I didn’t see any more of the infamous Bert’s handiwork.

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Photos

Hank
Picture from last summer. Not possible for a Canadian vehicle to be this clean in March

Irrelevant Photo
The QE2 offers none of this

Another irrelevant photo
You won't see this on the QE2 either

Sacred Ground
A historic photo from 2014 before Uncle John took an ordinary abandoned gas station parking lot and turned it into a fire works shopping utopia with the simple addition of a yellow shipping container.

KFC Plaza
Now you can see KFC Plaza too whenever you want thanks to the magic of google maps!