Fire, mankind's fifth oldest tool after knives, fishing rods, cricket bats and Black & Decker workmates. Much like women, fire is a wonderful slave, yet a terrible mistress. Come to think about it, there are quite a few similarities between fire and women, we all like to see them writhe and dance, they are harder to get going when it's cold, they get out of control very quickly - especially if flammable spirits are involved, they are both good at burning your dinner, it's great fun squirting them with water and they will both f*ck your car up if you let them near it unsupervised. Also, if one gets out of hand, you are best off ringing 999 sooner rather than later and they will calm down if you whack them for long enough with those
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