The Hamami..... How I lost more than I bargained for in a real Turkish bath-house

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Gaziantep, Southern Anatolia, Turkey

June 9^th 2014



“Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose...”

Janice Joplin



This story is just not going to have graphic pictures! This story is a tad embarrasing. But this story is hilarious (my only option is to laugh, else I would cry).

I had been itching to try an authentic Hamami (a Turkish bathhouse). Those in Istanbul and Kapadokya were pricey due to the tourists (upwards of 70 lira or about $35). I was not going to pay that price.

So finding myself in Gaziantep (known as Antep) and seeing a simple looking hamami in the street, I thought my time had come. I had done no research about what exactly was supposed to happen here, and I suspect my very rough fantasies of steam baths, professional and thorough massages, caring and senstive skin care etc..did happen in those 'touristic' places.

Now, you have to be suspicious from the start when a man names his son Saddam. Enquiring about the deal with Saddam at the door of the hamami, and between my English/ no Turkish and Saddam's Turkish/ no English, I thought we were very clear that the price for 'bath and massage' was 10 lira. The place did not look or smell the cleanest, but I wanted 'authentic' so....

Enter Saddam's father Arif. I am motioned to undress and put my stuff in a locker, wrap a cotton towel around myself and proceed to one of the bath-rooms. No bath, but a stone basin filling with not too hot water next to a stone bench. Arif first wants to shave my underarms. We discuss this proposition, again with our language barriers, and I think he is going to do just a peripheral cosmetic clean up job. I can hardly feel the razor and I only later discover I was wrong – he shaves everything clean under my arms!

He then gets me to lie on my back and starts pouring hot water over me. So far so good. I close my eyes and relax. Next thing he is wanting to shave around (I thought) my scrotum and groin.... I gather again just a peripheral cosmetic clean up job. Again I can hardly feel the movement of the razor, and I only later discover I was wrong – in less time that one can say 'what the f...k', he shaves everything clean. But I am unaware of his thoroughness.

Arif then washes me down front and back and scrubs a little. This includes a little too much action around my groin and perineum and bum for my liking, but its all over quick enough and I let it pass. Then the massage. Now I am no expert, but I could have left Arif for dead in a massage competition. Again, the massage leaves no part untouched. Again, quickly done.

So... a wash down and I am done. I get up and SHOCK HORROR - I only at this point of time discover the extent of the Arif's workmanship. So now I am bald in places other than just the top of my head. A very very weird thing to discover and observe...... Hm..... “well”, I think, “it will all grow back soon enough”, but I am feeling a tad foolish and exposed to say the least.

I emerge, dry off and get dressed. I give Arif the 'agreed' 10 lira. He mutters in Turkish something about 10 plus 10. I mutter in English about the agreed 10 with Saddam when I arrived. He goes and gets Saddam who mutters about 10 for the hamami and 10 for the wash and massage. What? 10 just to get in.... and what for? I say this was not what I understood which is something they don't understand (because no English). I don't give the other 10 because I am a bit 'thick' and stubborn. Arif throws back the 10 I have already given (this is always a master stroke – a move I am well versed in from experiences in India).

Finally Saddam suggests a compromise of 10 plus 5. I accept and give back 15. We are done and all is peaceful once again.

Except me when I get back to my room and look in the mirrow at my 'new' naked look. Oh my god..... what to do? Wait for regrowth is all I can do. Meanwhile I am not sure things are going to be all that comfortable in the Turkish summer heat.

Live and learn? I wonder. And now I really am itching, and the money I might have 'saved' due to my stubborness was more than later spent on some talcum powder to relieve it. And while I already have quite enough going on in my monkey mind day in and day out, I am now plagued by a brand new intrusive thought as I travel through Turkey. I cannot help but look for just a microsecond at the groin of the men I pass and wonder to myself....”are these guys shaved clean under there?”

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Comments

[D MJ Binkley]

Whoops!
Too funny. Sorry for your loss. The itching is no fun. Lessons learned.

[Keep Smiling]

LOL!
Only just got around to reading this one, Paul. Hilarious! Keep smiling!