Shiny shoe shennanigans

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Paying 10 Lira to take a boat ride just so your equally sad mates can take pictures of you posing in your shiny shoes....on phones....may be your idea of money well spent but it ain't mine sonny Jim. I suggest you save your money and buy a camera and a pair of shoes that don't shout prat at everyone that sees them. Leave the boat trips on the Bosphorous to those that want to enjoy its splendour and enjoy the sites alongside. In fact you could actually make yourself useful and do a commentary because that was the only thing lacking.

This wasn't my first experience with shoes today but more of that anon. The day began at stupid o'clock as we were due up at 4am. Long before that I woke myself up in the act of knocking my nose ring out and then tried to get to sleep avoiding the bit of the bed I thought it had fallen in. I also had a headache and bouts of heartburn which didn't help. I thought it must be soon time to wake up and lay there in pain but eventually looked at the time and it said 2am. Great.

I did get a bit more sleep but the alarm was soon rousing me ready for a 5am pickup and being driven to Izmir airport. Despite the terminal being domestic only I had to remove my belt twice to get through two sets of scanners. A warning that I didn't need to get dressed might have helped!

The 7.10am flight to Istanbul was full and the legroom was a little bit better than the sardine can we flew over on where anyone over 4ft and a bottle top was guaranteed a nightmare journey. However, planes are not meant for sleeping on if you're a bit taller than average. At 6' 3" it is one of the few times I am jealous of small people (one of the others is in underground caves or mines) and Claire, after a full night's sleep fell asleep before take-off and woke after landing. I wasn't jealous honest and that really wasn't me hacking my legs off with the Topkapi dagger later in the day...

A 50min flight later and we were in Istanbul where we caught a bus to somewhere near our hotel. Hopefully.

About an hour after we arrived in Tacsim, following help from an old man and a tourist guide, we arrived at our hotel. My plan to have breakfast, as we were hungry anyway, and ask the friendly waiter where to go was a bad one. The breakfast was paltry and overpriced and, even with a map they couldn't even tell us where we were never mind where we were going! He expected a tip. He didn't get one. Well he had forgotten the bread as well.

At the hotel, which is also a pizza house, we were met by a genuinely helpful lady who gave us a map, directions and useful advice. And so we set off and were soon lost but hey, this is Istanbul, and even the back streets have character. We did eventually find our way to the bridge over the river where the first shoe shennanigans of the day took place.

I'd read in my guidebook about a shoe shine scam where the guy drops his brush, you kindly pick it up for him being the polite foreigner you are, he then says he will give you a free shine before charging you an extortionate amount. So at the top of some steps klondyke drops his brush in front of me. I pick it up and ram it firmly up his backside whereupon shiny shoe guy, who I will meet later, comes along and rubs his shoes under the end of the brush still protruding. Everyone's a winner.

Oh, except the shoe shine trickster.

And he would have got what he deserved if I hadn't simply stepped over his brush and shaken my head at him in that very British way. AND Mr shyster I'm wearing trainers! Why would I want trainers shining? Other kids used to beat me up at school for having new and hence shiny or clean footwear so why I would want my trainers cleaning, especially by a conman like you?

Anyway, we went to Topkapi Palace which is a magnificent place....when you finally get in there... The queues outside are repeated inside to get into the more popular rooms and when you're tired, hot and bothered it doesn't help. There are some fantastic things to see though including the armoury, the treasury and a clock room. Try and avoid this time of year though as you will be ready to kill by the end of your visit.

Oh, and bring food and drink in with you as the prices inside would make the Queen do a little fart (even though she wouldn't have to pay). I passed out looking at the menu and they charged my 20 lira for the water they threw in my face. Gits.

We then went off on a restaurant tour...well two restaurants. I had something in the first but there was nothing for Claire so we soon stopped somewhere else as she wanted an aubergine pide (Turkish pizza shaped like a canoe) so I decided to try some too. Mine was nice and Claire's was too despite her getting mixed veg instead. At least it was vegetarian!

And so to the bargain boat trip where shiny shoe guy got to strut his stuff. I was also amazed at the amount of people who clambered over the fenced-off bit at the front of the boat...and no-one told them off! Wouldn't happen back home I can tell you.

And then, just as the boat hit the dock some nincompoop (that word isn't used enough nowadays) runs and jumps ashore. We sat and waited but it soon became apparent that we were all getting off without the boat being tied up. I stepped ashore gingerly hoping shiny shoe pillock would slip. Hopefully he has by now.

It was then a long walk up a hill so steep it has a funicular railway before we finally made it back to our room. It's been a long day. I did find my nose ring by the way; I could tell you were concerned and I hope to sleep for a fair amount of time tonight. We don't have to be up quite so early and I have no pressing urge to shine my trainers before bed.

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Photos

Shiny shoes
Just about in shot

Mega cruise ship
Cabins have their own balconies!