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Published: December 7th 2009
Petra!
The beginning of the huge ancient cityWoohoo! I finally made it out to the Middle East. It's really an eye-opener for me because I didn't think I'd ever come to this part of the world. And yes, it's safe, don't worry. I'm in Jordan and learning a lot about the Arab culture. I'm loving it. Good people, good shish kebab and amazing history. Petra is one of the seven wonders of the world. There used to be a great civilization here but it was abandoned in the late 14th century. It was only discovered in the 20th century and it is now the biggest 'ruins' in the world. I'm enjoying myself over here with all the desert, haha, so praise Allah!
I Am My Own Baker I hear many people talk about what life is. Life is like a box of chocolate. Life is like a blooming rose. Life is like this, like is like that. All of them express the mystery of life and how it is out of our hands to control our own destiny. As they say in French, “C'est la vie”: such is life. But nobody, except Buddha, talks about the thing that we have complete control over: the
‘self’. Random acts of phenomenon happen which are out of my control, I understand that, but my emotions and perception of things are completely up to me to control. I have the power to react in any way I want and nobody else has the power to change that. If something random happens like a bird flies into my face and breaks my nose, people will expect me to be angry. I would feel justified in being angry and so I let my “self” become angry even though it doesn’t do anybody any good. I can’t control the random crap that happens to me in life, but I can control my reaction to it. If I wanted to, I could simply choose to laugh about it and then go on with my life without any anger. But it’s so hard not to give in to my natural emotions. To have complete control of the ‘self’ is actually ridiculously tough. Buddha explained the ‘self’ and it has taken me years to fully comprehend his explanation. The only way I can describe it is with my favorite thing… food!
The idea of ‘self’ is very similar to the idea of baking
Petra gateway
This is the most famous part of the place. It's so beautiful and has Roman designs on it. a cake. I can bake a cake that looks absolutely amazing, just like how I can work out every day and try to make my body look great. The cake can look even prettier with all the frostings of materialism but it just doesn’t add to the essential taste of what’s inside. The recipe of what makes the self is much more important than the physical appeal of it.
So I start adding ingredients to the cake. I add some sugar of love to sweeten it up. I add the cinnamon of joy to make the ‘self’ happy. I throw in some fruits to add some color to my life. Then, I start being attached to all these ingredients because they taste so good and begin adding more than I need into it, which creates a new ingredient; greed. Now that there’s this nasty taste of greed in my cake, I quickly start throwing all kinds of ingredients in there to cover up that taste. But while I’m hastily doing that, I realize that I developed a few other tastes: fear and panic. And while I’m panicking and not thinking clearly, I accidently spill some anger into the mix.
The anger starts boiling inside and I don’t know what to do. The boiling doesn’t stop so I just let it loose. I start saying hurtful things and becoming violent even though I don’t mean it. I start blaming others for my anger even though I’m the one who spilled it. The anger eventually cools down but now it’s thoroughly mixed in with all the other ingredients of love and joy. It subtly turns the pure love into selfish love or even envious love. It turns the pleasurable joy into the sensation of craving. However, now that the self has cooled down, I start adding some sweet chocolate to help me forget the taste of anger. But the truth is, all I am doing is hiding the taste and creating the worst ingredient of all: suppressed rage. I know it’s there, but I don’t face it, I’d rather just add a whole lot of sugar to cover it up.
So after 23 years of making this cake, I decide to self-reflect and give it a taste. After all this hard effort, I expect this cake to taste sweet and delicious. But when I finally taste it for myself, it
tastes… artificial. It tastes like I added too much unnatural sweetener to cover up the natural taste of my negative emotions. It tastes like a little kid made this cake. And in a sense, it’s true because I’ve been creating this cake of self since I was a little boy. The foundation was created by a boy who couldn’t control his anger or only understood how to be selfish. When the foundation isn’t built right, then the overall taste can be disgusting. I can add all sorts of ingredients to cover up the taste but when the foundation isn’t solid, then it just won’t taste right.
So, after such a long time, I’m finally throwing this cake of flaws out and starting a new one where the foundation has a chance to be right. But… I spent so many years creating this old cake and it would take so much effort to create a new one from scratch. Wouldn’t it be easier if I just took some of the ingredients from my old cake of self and add it to this new one? Take some of the sugar, cinnamon and vanilla from the old? As much as I want
Meditation
It's pretty serene to meditate in the desert to, I can’t because all these ingredients have already been mixed to make that cake. The sugary love is already mixed in with the sour lemons of jealousy. I can’t pick out just the good parts without it clinging to the bad parts as well. To start this new self, I need to destroy my attachment to my old self. This is Buddha’s teaching. I have to see that cake as a cake that I have made in the past. That separate cake should have no affect on the taste of this new cake because… well, it’s a different cake.
This doesn’t mean that I just forget everything that I have learned in the past, on the contrary, I am taking what I have learned and applying it to this new cake of self. It’s like a baker who understands the errors that he has made with his first cake and being careful not to make the same mistake with his second cake. With the second cake, the baker is paying more attention to every little detail so that he can perfect it. He knows that if you add a tad too much sugar, it can ruin the taste
because he knows too much pleasure creates pain. For me, I am learning to pay attention to my every emotion so that I can consciously know which of them can help me become an enlightened person. I am appreciating every little thing that comes my way. All that’s really different from my old self and this new self is the attention to detail. When I can truly appreciate each and every emotion that I feel, then I can understand how much of which emotion I need to add. With this new cake, I am trying not to add the spices of anger, the sour lemons of jealousy or the sharp taste of hate. However, once in awhile, I will add the bitter chocolate of hardship. Because I can only taste how sweet something truly is once I’ve tasted the bitterness of the other side. The bitter taste of defeat only makes the taste of victory that much sweeter.
As of now, I am only beginning to build the foundation of this new cake of self. I have been travelling alone to understand the ingredients of my emotions and not allow outside influences to mix in with it. I am
trying hard to create a concrete foundation for the ‘self’ where it can be righteous, loving and compassionate. Once the foundation of the cake is well established, then everything else should become rather easy to build on top of that. But the slightest crack in the foundation can potentially crumble the entire cake. My ultimate goal is not to build the prettiest cake that everyone will like because that is virtually impossible. Everybody has different taste buds, so how could everybody like the same cake? Not everybody in the world will like me, but I just don’t care enough to react. All I want is to build a cake that will stand tall for those who can’t and be happy while it lasts. I am my own baker and dammit, I’m going to make a cake that will make me proud.
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Aunt Julie
non-member comment
Congrats on a new Vic!
Wow! it is so nice that you have so many wonderful thoughts, reflections, and experiences on your long trip. Thanks for sharing. You will be a great baker for your own. Look forward to meeting you again soon.