Things I've learned in Scotland

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May 21st 2009
Published: May 21st 2009
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Jeremiah relaxing in the countryside...
I'm sure you'll be able to figure this out, but this entry isn't by Hollie. Its written by her less grammatically coherent other half Jeremiah.

During our stay here I've learned a few things, they are as follows.

1. No matter what they tell you, the people in Scotland DO NOT speak English! It may sound like English, you might recognize a few words they say or an entire sentence. But I assure you this is only to give you a false sense of belonging and comfort before they throw in words and phrases such as, "bangers and mash," "hoos," "nips and tatties," "loch," "take away," (which is 'take out' food). And those are the ones that I can replicate in print.

2. When you visit Scotland, don't be over 6 feet tall. If you happen to be over 6 feet tall you will bump your head into every 'medieval' touristy thing you come across. And to add insult to injury if you happen upon a guided tour of anything, be it graveyard, ancient buried street, a tea shop or just walking down the street you will be called up to stand in front of the the group while the guide explains how they would 'hobble' you using a torture device from the 16th century called The Boot. This consists of an iron boot that had slots in it big enough to pound in large wooden wedges until your calves become paste. And I know for a fact this is because I'm over 6 feet tall.

3. The food in the UK is given a bad wrap. Sure Haggis might not be for everyone, but that's why they were kind enough to invent vegetarian haggis. It tastes the exact same, and of the vegetarians that I know that alone is enough of a reason not to try it. This is why I won't be buying the vegetarian haggis for my veggie friends, instead, I'll tell them to suck it up and try the real thing because there's no difference. Ingredients be damned. This said, the Indian food here, as we had heard before we arrived, is amazing. Their curries are the perfect combination of spice. I wholly endorse coming to the UK and Scotland just for the Indian food. But please do take care in eating in Scotland, it would appear that everything you eat here causes really, really bad gas. We're talking mustard gas levels of bodily function. I hope its gone by the time we're on the plane back home... that could be uncomfortable.

4. I'm not sure if this fashion ever really left, but the hyper-super-insanely short micro mini skirts are all they rage here if you happen to be an 18 to 25 year old woman going out on the town. Of course this is only one element of the whole package. You must also wear stiletto heals, the perfect choice for walking up and down medieval walkways paved in cobblestone. Also you need to buy your makeup from where ever clowns and drag queens get theirs. And I think you need to apply it with either a spray gun, or a trowel. This is unconfirmed. At the end of the night, once you've danced and drunk yourself into oblivion, your feet are going to be hurting (because from my understanding when it comes to woman's shoes the fact that they are cute overrides all other factors). So you'll just take them off and walk bare-footed, or hose-footed though... well let me start over... in medieval times chamber pots where emptied from doorways into the street. This raw sewage would slip and slide down the street until it most often slid into a lock or river. This practice has been improved through centuries of technology and the industrial revolution to make the process faster and easier. Many people, mostly (and I say mostly not all) men will just urinate in the street after a night of drinking. People also make sick in the street, fish and chips get dropped, dogs do their business, etc... So we go back to the fashion of the day, women in stocking footed leggings will walk through this mess on the way to chip shops or home or... well you get the point.

5. I'm pretty sure nobody in Scotland has a driver's license. Now I've been to China, where they actually choose to drive on sidewalks, that doesn't happen in Scotland. Instead they choose to drive on the left side of the road, which kinda makes sense since someone built all of their cars with the steering wheels on the right side of the car. Also, the main point of driving here is to keep your car moving, which is why almost every intersection is a round about. Simply you 'give way' to the vehicle on your right. And under no circumstances should you cut someone off otherwise you will receive a middle finger accompanied by the index finger. I thought this was strictly an English practice. A throwback to one of the many wars between England and France where the English would capture French Archers and cut off those two finger tips and release them back to their people. Flashing these two digits became a derogatory signal the English would give the French. Kinda a Nyah nyah nyah I have fingers and you don't kinda thing. Just don't cut the Scots off they get mad really easily.

6. I learned that Nessie needs to get her cut of the profit that the tourist museums are earning. For about 11 pounds you too can go into a series of 6 or 7 rooms and watch projected images all about Nessie. To be emptied out into a gift shop that sells plush Nessies, ceramic nessies, and pop up books of Nessie. Side note, do you think a Plushy has ever dressed up at Nessie? Regardless, Nessie deserves her cut.

So there you have it. I'm sure there are other things that I've learned while in Scotland. Probably some dates of battles. Something about Castles and walled gardens. But you can read about those on the interwebs. With this entry I hope that I have correctly prepared you for your trip to Scotland.


21st May 2009

haha your blog made me laugh :) I'm from scotland and number 4 is so true!!!! the girls here wear far to much makeup and fake tan, i think it's to compensate for our lack of sunshine!

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