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Published: July 19th 2015
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You know that feeling where you go on a week or two for a summer holiday and you have the time of your life, only to return home and be smacked by the "holiday blues".
Holiday blues diagnosis
Lie in bed
Talk to no one
Watch some Netflix
Maybe eat some ice cream
Browse holiday photos in an attempt to cheer yourself up, only to make yourself feel worse
Can you relate to that feeling? I can. However, usually i am quite good at curing myself. I simply tell myself to get my head "back in the game" and i drag myself back to my university books and simply say "It was nice while it lasted, holiday see you again next year".
But...well...this year was different
I am not long back from a month spent in China. I was selected by a fantastic volunteer agency, International Volunteer Headquarters (GOOGLE IT AFTER YOU HAVE READ THIS POST) to work with children with learning disabilities in a specialized school in a city named Xi'an. I worked with children aged 8/9 the majority of which
had Autism. I dont know if you know much about Autism but i will attempt to give you a brief explanation...very brief haha.
Autism is mental condition which affects an individuals communication, interaction and imagination. Those with Autism can be mute, socially awkward or inappropriate, over/undersensitive to noise, touch, sign, smell and/or taste, inflexible regarding routines and on some occasions exceptionally talented. But you know what i find so fascinating is not one child is the same. You can come across one child with Autism who will sit with his fingers in his ears and eyes tightly shut only communicating with a few words. However, you can then come across another child with Autism who will hit and bite himself and run around in circles and burst into random fits of hysterically crying. These kids both have the same diagnosis but are categorically and totally different. And you know what..around 1/50 children in the UK have this diagnosis. It can range from mild to severe, but did you ever imagine it was that common? Well..think back to your year at primary school, was there maybe one child who you thought was a tad socially awkward or didnt
speak much or would maybe act a bit strange...well maybe there was a reason for that
Anyway, i worked with these children 5 days a week for a month. In the class of 9 children only two could communicate with language. When i say communication, i mean basic sentences expressing there wants or feelings. I was paired with one boy. He was non-verbal and would spend most of his time spinning in circles or running about from one end of the room to the next. He had an obsession with "lines". Not "lining things up" but actual "lines". For example spaghetti or strands of hair or tassels on a decoration. Over the month he never said one word to me but on occasion he would stop in his mad spinning routine and gaze into my eyes. It was then i felt like he was talking to me. It was like he was saying "I do care. I do...and thank you for just being with me." He was lonely. I could tell.
Each day i would assist him to brush his teeth, eat his meals, play board games, take part in physical exercises and share food with other children. All of which were a trial for him. Put it this way...more food would end up on the floor or on occasion he would cover his arms in noodles if this was on the menu (remember..."Lines"). Do not get me wrong...days were tough. Other children in the school would wants to get my attention and would get excited when they saw the youthful, white girl wandering about. I was peed on, punched in the face and probably hugged 100000 times over the month. What a combination eh?
My little chinese son began to warm to me. I could tell. He would sometimes just come and hold my hand or sit on my knee. Yet he would not acknowledge other children or teachers. I began to teach him what was right and wrong behaviors by just using facial expressions, gestures and my occasional use of (terribly pronounced) Chinese. I understood when he wanted something, even when other teachers didn't. Example...he was given a small biscuit with a wrapper on it but he kept pushing it back into the teachers hand. She then continued to give him it but he continued to give it back. I then went over to assist and took the biscuit from the teachers and teared the wrapper slightly open. He then took it from my hand and smiled. He didn't not want the biscuit...he just couldn't open it himself and wanted help.
The teachers began to notice by bond with him. His mother brought me gifts of fruit and milk and thanked me dearly every time she collected him from school. She told me that she knew her son loved me and appreciated everything i was doing for him, even though he never said a word.
When my 4 months came to an end it was time to say goodbye to all the children and teachers. I am used to goodbyes from previous travels. It is sad but it is something you cant avoid. However, my goodbye with my little boy was different. I know this sounds almost exaggerated or fishing for the sympathy card, but i can honestly say that my heart physically ached when i had to say goodbye to him. I burst out crying when i had to let his little hand go. He was acting up that day and was more restless than usual. The teachers told me this may be because he could sense i was leaving. I still contact his mother and she tells me how he is doing. Dont get me wrong..that is great. Not many volunteers have parents of the children who are that appreciative of their work. However, it will never be quite the same as seeing him everyday.
There isnt a day i dont think about him. Every time i eat spaghetti i think of him, every time my dog spins in a circle and chases his tail i think of him. The list goes on. How can a 9 year old, chinese boy with Autism make me feel so happy. I guess i felt i could relate to him. I knew he felt lonely and probably scared at times and i guess over recent years i have felt like this. That is another story in itself. Lets just say ive not had the easiest few years with struggles of mental health issues and family problems. But anyway...he made me feel like i could be myself. He never judged me or interrogated me. He would just stare at me and if i was lucky smile at me. I didn't care that he never said my name or thanked me and in some ways I am glad he didn't. It made our relationship unique and special. I will never forget him and i know he will never forget me.
Now i am home, i am genuinely gutted. Honestly i would give anything to be back there. But i need to earn the pennies and gain the university degree sometime. Dont get me wrong..i love my family and my friends. But well...I just want to be away. That experience changed my life. I will go back to China again, i know i will. I will try to go back to the school and i pray he is still there. He made me feel appreciated, respected, happy and understood. Honestly, i have never really had that. I spent many years feeling like i was judged based on a diagnosis as opposed to the person i actually was. But in China.. i felt like i could be anyone I wanted to be with no pre-judgement
So...to conclude..do i feel like i meet the criteria for a diagnosis of "holiday blues"
Honestly...not in the slightest..
I am not at all "blue" about being home
I am not green or yellow or red or pink either
Actually I am not any word i can think of
It is something a lot more than words can describe
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Tracy borthwick
non-member comment
Autism post
What a beautiful + heartfelt post.y grandson is 4 + has autism, but he is the most special person !. We learn from him.....every week!!