A week to go

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One week to go...

I’m sitting here trying to find the words to write before we go to China but the sentences won’t really come - just thoughts and fleeting feelings related to the time leading up to this time. So, here are a few thoughts:

Two years ago, Chris and I decided to go travelling extensively and we’ve developed our lives to be ready for this departure. I gave my kids two years notice, we started learning Mandarin, I sold everything worth selling including books that I thought I couldn’t live without, I took on two jobs and latterly, Chris has worked 12 hours a day for 5 days a week + weekends and some evening internet work to save money to go. I’ve rented my house out, sold my car and seen Jess and Patti move on and start to make their own paths in life. It has all seemed so easy and there’s never been one moment of me not being sure that this is the right thing to be doing.

But now that it’s almost time to go, I’m excited but I’m also feeling how proud I am of Jess and Patti and that I will really miss them as a mother and as a friend and I also think of how the real kindness and generosity of my friends has supported me to this point and made leaving easier but also more difficult.

I would really like to thank Deborah for taking on all of my ex college work and the very favourite books (most of these came from a time I used to share conversations with an old friend - the ex Vicar at Chatsworth - Ron Beddoes. I know that he’ d be so interested in what I’m going to be doing now) Deb’s not only taken the books but an enormous wooden chest to hold them in her bedroom and you can hardly walk round it. I’d like to thank Verity for accepting to be a second signatory on all of my bank accounts (it reminded me of the day we went to the estate agent to buy a house together over 5years ago). I want to thank Mir for taking all of Patti’s childhood books and toys (all having their own names and past lives and none of which we could throw out )Mir’s also kindly taken on the task of being part of the 6month check on my house with Patti and the estate agent, just to see that everything is left as I’d like it to be. I want to thank Gwen for her patience for moving Chris and I out of our house and into temporary accommodation for the last month - 5 trips and endless hauling of stuff we didn’t know existed until we had to get it out. And Duncan ‘iggins - thanks for looking after my old art stuff and coming back again for a second wave of stuff. Thanks to Jane for holding bits of project stuff that I couldn’t let go of but probably will never finish.

Latterly, I’ve made a new wave of friends from the second job I took running up to my departure that I would also like to thank. I’ve been working for Ashiana, an Asian women’s refuge. I was the only white face but no one seemed to notice that. I’ve been accepted by all of the women, both staff and residents into a world of cultures that I previously only saw from the outside. I’m still learning about Pakistani, and Congolese, Bangladeshi and Arabic culture from these women. They’re all strong and generous and kind. I have both laughed and cried with these women and they have accepted me without questioning faith or religion, maybe because we all have the same basic nature /instinct and it is to help others. I have read that ‘the act of discovery lies not in seeking new views but in finding new eyes’ I have seen so many new things with new eyes through these women and by seeing with the eyes of the young kids in the refuge and it is only left to say how grateful I am to them for allowing me in, telling me their stories, cooking for me, sharing time, space and knowledge and, lastly, the wonderful 9 dish dinner cooked by Shazia in my honour on my last week working for the refuge and the random phone calls from Sanha to find the right dress to lend to me for dressing up for the occasion and the making of it all so special.

And, the girls and I will never forget the special little boy who always used to shout ‘Hello, Tlaycee’ when I was passing his room at the refuge and how he brightened up every day for months. The selflessness of these women adds only to my own aim to help others and my last hope for one person in this country is that I will one day board a plane or train to attend Uzma’s wedding in Pakistan.


Mostly I’d like to thank my Mum and Dad and Jess and Patti for letting me go on this trip. My dad hasn’t been well and I know my Mum will find it stressful that I am going.


10 years ago, I left my home at Chatsworth and, at that point, I had to leave my Children. I never got over this for a very long time and there are still moments that come back to me that mark the passing of time but it’s sometimes as if the sad time when I lost my kids happened only yesterday because it cut me deeply. Nothing, I think will ever hurt as much as some of the things I went through when I could no longer be with them as a ‘normal time’ mother - like the simple act of picking them up from school. I remember seeing another child in another town at school turning out time, wearing the same style coat as my son, he had the same meandering walk as my son and I was thinking that it was my son whilst knowing all the time that it couldn’t be him. It hurt so much that it wasn’t him. And the memory of Patti running out of school, zig zagging between all of the kids in the play ground to get to me after our first week apart and shouting mummy all the way and everyone staring. These things, and others, I will never forget and that although it was hard, I never stopped loving them or supporting them in order to help them find their own paths to become themselves.

I look now and see my son who was dragged through my art college and uni days alongside me, who learned about cameras and editing and technical terms, was put into all of the workshops at Site Gallery as his summer holiday when I had no money and then later went to college in Sheffield to get his BTEC in media - he’s worked hard. Jess has worked with people with integrity, commitment and humour and along the way, I’ve fed him (huge dinners), and hopefully supported him. Now he’s working as camera assistant in Manchester on a 23 week contract on the TV series ‘Waterloo Road’. He’s 21 and he’s making his own way and I’m very proud.


I look at my daughter who I had to leave with her dad at nine years old. I still loved and supported her - but it got better when she came to live with me again at 16 and went to College here in Sheffield. She’s been encouraged to grow and develop and find her own way. She’s been to all the best dance performances whilst I was working at Danceworks, she’s been to the most interesting art launches including at BALTIC and we’ve been to and shared many good times - the last being our night out with Vivienne Westwood in May and though Viv won’t remember us, we’ll remember her - funny lady. Patti’s my one special daughter and my friend she’s easy in her own skin and perceptive, funny, quick and intuitive and now she’s decided to move to London to be with her boyfriend and find her way there. I’m very proud of Patti too.


I can’t thank my kids enough for being sound people and I will miss them very much. I wonder what they will be like when we meet again.


Lastly, but certainly not in the least, I wanna thank Chris for helping make this opportunity happen. Without him, it would be a lonely affair and with him I know we’ll go far together. I can’t wait to spend real time with him.

So, 12 train tickets, 6 visas, 14 vaccinations, 2 back packs and additional baggage, 1 root filling and 3 other minor fillings, 1 nine dish dinner with friends and a walk in the Peaks with my long standing friends, we’re almost ready to go and I want to say that I am able to go because I got to this point in my life with the support of many good friend over the last ten years, great kids and a goal and an aim to find time to really live life.

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Photos

Last girl's walk towards Lady Bower
PJ, Frankie, Mir, me, Deb, Gwen and Jane

Comments

[Helen Kinder]

Long Time No see and now it will be a bit longer!!!
Hey You Great to see you off on your travels what a great adventure that lies ahead! Still havent seen the Tibet pics yet!!!! Wishing you all the luck and may your journey be filled with so many more beautiful people, sites and friends. Hope to see you at Nicolas when you come over before you fly away, i want a big hug :) XXX Helen

[ping]

good luck
with kind of feeling to read your blog, let me know you more. I am sure you and Cris will have a good time in China. I am in Sheffield now. I will wait to read more stories. Good luck Ping