Looking Forward and Looking Back

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This blog was written on the 6th of February...

On Sunday I found myself looking in a window into the past. On a blustery grey day I wandered along the rocky coast of west Somerset, the Jurassic coast. The cliffs of pale limestone and dark slate towered above me and crumbled beneath my feet. The beach was empty. I put my head down and faced the wind and wandered along the scattered stones looking for treasure. For a moment I forgot where I was, what day of the week it was, how my head hurt from the night before and marveled at the wonder of time. Trapped, petrified in rock all around me was the evidence that life existed long before me, my parents, my grandparents, before any human and will continue long after my soul leaves this world and moves to the next.

It made me think made me reconsider. What difference does it make, really, what one individual does on this planet? Does it matter how we life our lives, what jobs we have and how much of this world we see? Our lives, our existence as humans is but a split second in the history of everything. I felt small, tiny, next to the cliffs – like they could collapse at any moment and take me, hide me, petrify me.

Walking along the paved limestone slabs it reminded me of home, our own rocky outcrops – the Burren. I long to be home, to feel “local” again. No matter how much I know about the area, the people, the pubs, the beaches and the cider – I’m still a blow in, whenever I open my mouth – I’m not home. So wandering on this beach, alone, with my thoughts, I was anyone, anywhere. I had made this space my own, and I felt home for a moment.

So maybe it’s more than physical location. What would make me feel at home here? What makes me feel alive? At the moment, I feel like I’m surviving, not living, just getting through each day. I want to live again. I want to be part of something more. More than work or a career, part of a community, a family, a network of support. I want to feel like I’m needed in some way, for someone. I need to give of myself, my love, my help, my tears – everything.

So the question is – continue on a personal journey, attempting to be independent, to find a career that will settle my soul, find my calling, or move close to my family and friends and settle into a community, a network, regardless of work or career. This week I have an interview, for a 12 month position here in the UK. It would mean leaving this town, where I’ve began to fit in, packing up and starting again. Cutting the ties I’ve made and wandering on again.

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