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Published: July 10th 2009
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The build up to this journey has created a curious number of lists and countdowns for both of us. The lists are numerous and scattered all over our house, some being added to daily, some just being rewritten every so often in neater script, thus providing us with a sense of doing something while actually just internally procrastinating. The countdowns however are proving more interesting emotionally as none of them seem to run in a straight direction.
One of the biggest has for us both has been the countdown from work. How do you hang up a uniform that has identified you for the last ten years? Has influenced your world views, expanded and shuttered your horizons (ok, sometimes in ways you wish it hadn’t), provided friendships and laughter and of course proved the downfall of my liver.
During the long planning time for this trip we’ve both had phases of happiness and frustration at work. My good lady far more so than I - all additionally frustrated with injury in her case. Sometimes we’ve wished the time away, sometimes, just one of us has while the other has been called upon for support. I was very conscious that whatever this trip inspires in us for the future we’ll both be coming back to work and whilst I’m not the best at picturing the future I imagine that I’m not going to relish the idea of returning to work after a year of pleasing myself and being in the sun. I therefore wanted to leave in a positive place mentally towards work - but I had no idea how to make that a reality. I really don't know how but it seems to have happened. Probably less to do with the people at work - the people I work with are same fabulous and haven’t really changed - it's probably more my leaving has helped me open up more and made the relationships grow. We were bought such lovely gifts to leave with too - which will be coming with us of course - money for practicalities and a St Christopher for protection - thanks so much!
Not that this is always a useful thing in this situation mind you. Deepening relationships, growing bonds, putting down roots are all well and good when you’re trying to settle somewhere. They’re not so useful when you’re trying to leave as, if I can liken the human heart to a plant pot for a moment, these roots cling uncomfortably to the holes in the bottom of the pot at times making it harder to uproot.
I had already dealt with the moving out of home emotional slog - as my house was rented out to enable us to cut costs 12 months ago and get saving. For both of us our homes have been havens of peace and our relationships with them have outlasted any other lover either of us have had - it was always going to be hard to leave them with someone else! There were instances of 'dust in the eye' and a weeks worth of two unhappy cats as they and we imposed the remaining bags and boxes which would we would be taking on our trip into Jo's parents house but as she drove away with those two crying cats with her the shoulders lightened and I could tell she was just ready to go!
Jo took me out the other night, something we’ve really lost sight of in the pile of lists and farewell meals with friends - and went for dinner and to watch a play at the local theatre. I haven’t been to such a place in years and it was fantastic. The awful pinkish paint in the lobby that was obviously donated to the place, the bar where you couldn’t buy alcohol but order a cup of tea for the interval, the stairs to the auditorium accompanied by stair lift, but most compelling - the eleven rows of seats that would seat the ‘sell out’ crowd.
The play was fantastic, the effort that people will put into something they love is overwhelming - and the singing wasn’t bad either! I’d never seen ‘Rent’ before but the title song got me thinking - how will we measure this year? By miles travelled? By countries visited? New friendships? I’ve found myself thinking of novelty lists that we could construct - how many bottles of Coke Jo drinks? How many times she calls me a geek? How many blister plasters we use? How many languages I have to make use of the phrase 'I'm sorry for offending your culture!?
There are some things that just wrench at your heart when you try to say goodbye - teary-eyed mothers for both of us are a given. We went to Ireland for the weekend earlier in the year and on picking us up from the airport Jo’s mum was tearing up - probably thinking about the bigger separation ahead - I dread what our real farewell will look like! My dad picked a beautiful rose out of the garden the other day and handed it to me as we were leaving their house. It was so simple, so small, but so incredible and I struggled to concentrate on the road while driving for staring at my precious cargo. My distracted driving wasn’t to end there either - Westlife’s '’m already there'came on the radio and as I thought of people torn across the world from their loved one’s in much less happy circumstances I found myself driving through teary eyes.
So it occurs to me that this year will more likely be measured in emotional journeys - in laughter, in truths that we learned or times that we cried and hopefully, if the song continues to hold - in seasons of love. There are so many ways we’ll stretch ourselves but then I get wondering if it is even possible to measure what this year will bring us at all … I’ll tell you in 525,600 minutes.
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Penny Craig
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Go with love
You are not alone my heart is with you. Wet face but happy heart. Go safely on your way.