Reflections through the looking glass: it’s time to talk about therapy

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As time goes by

Better late than never, as the saying goes. You might ask why on a sunny day in the hues of urban autumn I’m sat reflecting on Bali past. Because I said that I would, and because a tale is rarely complete. Moments pass, memories fade, lessons are implemented, neglected or forgotten, but we carry our experiences with us. They shape our every perception, choice and step in life, gathering like snowballs in powder, altering our shape, size and nature as we roll on, until climate and time melt us away.

I could make excuses, claim that the winds of everyday London life whisked me up and bustled me about - but I made those choices. I re-entered the world of the busy in a typical ‘me’ fashion. It’s taken me time to put finger tips to keyboard but I began this in mind. Reflecting on where I’ve been and where I am now as days go by.

I commenced this blog with a declaration and started a new endeavour; to talk openly about my long term difficulties with sleep and chronic fatigue. I unveiled my experiences of mental and physical health, the related emotional challenges and their impact on my life and on those close to me. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made. The thing I am most proud of. I could stop here but I won’t. Inspired by and in thanks to those who welcomed my declaration, who privately shared their own experiences in return, I shall continue. This post, published on World Mental Health Day 2015, reflects on my recent experiences and presents another chapter – my return to ‘the real world’ and a new phase of life, and this includes therapy. Yes therapy.

What? Have any eyebrows raised? Anyone shifted uncomfortably in their seat? It’s ok, please relax and read on, this is everyday stuff, we just need to talk about it more. As we’ve been saying, it’s time to change.



Travels past, roads left behind

I’m not going to lie, I didn’t want to board that plane home. I’d relaxed into flashpacker living, adapting to a more freely adventurous and utterly privileged style of life. Joining the growing and replenishing ‘first world’ traveller community, I indulged in what most people simply dream of; time away, time for me, time to be.

In Indonesia’s sun drenched lands…

I explored, rested and played; looked, sensed, felt and reflected; learned of different ways of life and daily struggles; contrasted my observations with what I have and take for granted; witnessed majestic natural beauty and breathtaking landscapes; watched creatures great and small, incredible and perfectly adapted; entered vibrant watery worlds of dazzling colourful turbulence; greeted and befriended others, welcomed along the way; stood on hills and cliff tops and gave thanks – for life, my experiences, my privilege and joy; for the door wide open to me to more clearly see and enter into the gift of life.

I revived, thrived and rejoiced on the healing and strength this bestowed.

Is it surprising that I was reluctant to return? That in unethical self-interest I sneakily hoped for volcanic ash clouds to rise and hold me in Bali? Yet the life I’ve returned to is one of great privilege. My position in society, my legal rights, my blessing of family and friends, health and mobility, career and job. ‘You were not’, a family member informed, ‘living real life out there’. No, I was not. I didn’t have to earn my keep by making bracelets, selling fruit, planting rice or serving others. I rested in comfort whilst others sweltered in heat. What right did I have to remain and through what means could I do so? Home beckoned, duty called and necessity yanked me back. It was time for the next step.




Back in Britain: life’s new adventure

Time flies when you’re having fun, especially with added routine. London greeted me with cloud and crowds. As I descended into the smog-scented underground my heart sank. ‘What am I doing here?’ the little voice questioned, ‘is this where I belong, hemmed in away from country and coast?’ Fighting through walls of jostling commuters, I emerged into novel ‘normality’: Costa Coffee, London buses, suited drones proceeding to offices in monotony. With its self-scan check outs and contactless payment, ‘Welcome home’, Tescos said. Only a homeless man offered me a smile, perhaps identifying with my dishevelled outsider appearance.

When in doubt, power nap. I woke to the sun warming the air, brightening the grey, illuminating greener horizons and buoying my emotions – hello England, good morning London, how are you world? I’m home, I’m well and I’m happy to be back.

I can genuinely say that I’m excited about life. Very excited. In fact I’m delighted. You may think that I’m simply riding high, on a temporary and dangerous peak before bumps, inevitable descent and unseen falls. Perhaps. Almost certainly. But that is life. For this is what I’ve learnt: you cannot plan your future. I tried but Life chuckled at my naivety, she indulged me for a while then played her hand. With a roll of her dice she reset the board, unravelled my false securities and swept away my misguided beliefs. She led me through a lesson: as head teacher Life controls the rules, but as games master she invites us to play. We cannot call what cards we’re dealt, but we can choose how we play our hand.

‘Go and buy a book by Pema Chodron today’, a friend said; ‘I mean it. As soon as you see a Waterstones go in and find her books and choose whichever title appeals to you’. And so I gained a new guide. Chodron’s words are opening my mind and eyes to a new way of seeing and strengthening my heart. Life is not plain sailing, you see. Calm waters give way to waves and hidden depths. We travel an unknown journey with interconnecting paths, multitudes of discoveries and many choices. Our only certainties: we can’t and won’t see it all and one day it will end. Ups come with downs, straight roads twist and turn, doors open and close – yet we always move forwards, even when standing still. Every view comes with different perspectives. I’ve come to understand that fear and grief are a natural part of life. We may try to run from them but they will catch us. Only by meeting, accepting and learning from them will we find understanding, strength and peace. The essential components: an open mind and heart and compassion for oneself for others. Through my experiences and her words I have felt my outlook slowly changing.



London living – a balancing act

This outlook takes dedication, persistence and practice, a lifetime’s according to Chodron. Over the past eleven weeks I’ve felt London’s tendrils tighten around me; her choking crowds, persistent haste, ceaseless competition and residual pollution slowly strangling my positivity and relaxed outlook. Pulling me into haste, stress and exhaustion as before. Until I grasp back time to wander her parks, quenching my thirst for sun-brightened green and dazzling amber that lights up trees and crunches beneath foot. Breathing the reprieve.

I’ve found that I notice clouds more. In my mindful moments, which are too few and far between, I now see beauty more clearly. When the sun comes to play, the frolicking clouds are simply dazzling: soft and fluffy; wispy and long; bubbled and tumultuous; hanging, floating, bumbling and whishing along in painted colours of light. I now take the time to look up, admire and be grateful.

London is, despite its pitfalls, a wonderfully exciting place bursting with energy and offerings. I’ve settled back in the south west and in short distance of Balham’s bars and bistros, Tooting’s spice scents and sari shops and Streatham’s jazz bar and jaunts, I’ve put down roots besides the Common. I’ve refilled my life - a new and stretching job in a policy area close to heart (health and work) within a career I enjoy; time well spent with family and friends; selected sporting activities; and my re-entry into the dating game (which is, quite frankly, a whole other story in itself…). In returning to what I love whilst trying new things, I’m happily enjoying life. Juggling new balls, burning new candles, making new plans, banking new experiences. But having many interests comes with risk – overexertion. Balance is an art with many mediums to play with, and right now I’m experimenting with my palette.



A stark look in the mirror – it’s good to talk

This brings me to the next part of my tale – therapy. In my case, working on that balance and tackling a deep rooted anxiety.

Depression and anxiety cloud judgement, infiltrating mind, emotion and physique so that we have to fight to think clearly, battle low motivation, challenge irrational thoughts and combat paralysing fears – all of which are exhausting. It can be a struggle to know what to do, who to turn to or how to find the strength. It can be lonely and terrifying. Perhaps worse, society has made it feel shameful, so that people feel that they can’t or shouldn’t seek help because they might or perhaps will be judged.

Are we afraid to say that we’ve been to the doctor for tonsillitis? That we’ve gone to A&E for a broken arm or visited a physiotherapist for back pain? No. I didn’t think so. So why not talk about therapy?

There are a range of psychological therapies available on the NHS and privately, which can help those of us struggling with common – and I repeat common – mental health conditions. I’m currently undertaking cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), a talking therapy that helps people to manage their problems by changing the way they think and behave: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Cognitive-behavioural-therapy/Pages/Introduction.aspx.

Shortly after my relationship break down, when I was unwell and in emotional turmoil, I dappled with psychotherapy. This has significantly helped some good friends of mine, though in this instance the less than impressive therapist took an unhelpfully insensitive approach. Upon listening to my tearful explanation of my experiences and understanding of them, her response was quick, simply: ‘hmm, there’s a lot to unpick’.

‘No sh*t’, I felt like saying as I plummeted into deeper depths of despair and perceived hopelessness. But this stuff can be unpicked or at least helped. It’s the thought that counts when it comes to CBT. This therapeutic approach helps you to examine, break down and tackle ingrained patterns of thinking, feeling and behaviour in response to particular situations, which may have become causal or sustaining factors for mental health conditions. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not an instant medicine or magic wand, it takes personal commitment, time and effort, but it can be worth it. No pain no gain as they say.

So what has been my personal experience? Well, in broad terms I’ve been taking a long, hard look in the mirror. Reflecting on what I understand, think and feel, examining my behaviour and the choices I make, and thinking through strategies to deal with some of this stuff. Why change a habit of a lifetime? Well, because it can help. But it’s not easy. Reinhold Niebuhr’s words in his Serenity Prayer ring true:

…grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

In sorting through what I perceive I can and cannot change I’ve developed self compassion (some needs and ways of being just are and that’s ok) whilst also coming face to face with my own enemy, me. Life is full of choices and some are tough. CBT recognises that we often pick short term comforts, feel goods or should dos over more helpful or more beneficial choices and behaviours. These are the ones that can feel difficult or scary. The therapeutic approach helps us to recognise this, to set goals and to learn and apply skills to achieve these. It’s not a panacea but it’s progress, Let’s just say I’m working on it, I’ve made advances but I have a way to go.

A mantra a day

To me, all of this comes hand in hand with a more mindful, compassionate, accepting and positive outlook on life. I’m also on a journey with this and I expect it’s one of a lifetime. But it’s a road worth travelling. I continue to find my daily mantra, which I shared in my first post, to be invaluable. When I’m making mountains out of molehills it grounds me; when I’m stressed it relaxes me; and when I’m overthinking it helps me reflect on what’s important. So I shall leave you with this:

1. Be grateful every day

2. Never take anything or anyone for granted

3. Let go of what you cannot control and does not help you

4. Live in the moment and look for the positives and opportunities

5. Always have hope and never give up

6. Be kind and compassionate to yourself and to others

7. Go with the flow

And finally, to all of you who…

… supported me when I was in need, lifted me up when I was down, came to me when I called, held me together when I was falling apart, comforted me when I was upset, listened to me when I talked, advised me when I asked, reassured me when I was doubtful or scared, guided me when I was unsure, inspired me when I was disheartened, believed in me when I questioned, befriended or loved me throughout…

… followed or accompanied me as I ventured, read or conversed with me as I shared, learnt with me as I discovered, listened as I reflected, encouraged me as I recovered, smiled and laughed with me as I experienced happiness and joy

… welcomed me back when I returned, and have continued to bring friendship, love, shared experiences, constructive challenge, esteem and happiness to my life…

I couldn’t have done it without you.

Thank you, or in Bahasa Indonesia, terima kasih.

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Photos

This spoke to me - sometimes you just have to take the plunge and follow your heart
Or in the words of a friend who was influential in my decision to go away, 'what does your soul want?'

Enjoying healthy living
Nutrition is very important to me. 7 months ago I gave up coffee and refined sugar (though I allow myself occasional treats) to manage my energy levels. Not only do I love healthy food but I feel so much better

Seeing and being inspired by beauty in everyday surrounds :D
Beautiful sunlit trees that stopped me in my tracks - they reminded me of a David Hockey painting

Wedding celebrations
A beautiful day celebrating the wedding of a wonderful couple and two good friends

Terima Kasih
My message of thanks written on Paga beach Flores

Comments

[Alan Jones]

Beautifully Written
Well done Lauren. Here's another little mantra: from Shakespeare but oft quoted in CBT. "Nothing is either good nor bad but thinking makes it so". Love always Dadxxx

[Alan Jones]

Beautifully Written
Well done Lauren. Here's another little mantra: from Shakespeare but oft quoted in CBT. "Nothing is either good nor bad but thinking makes it so". Love always Dadxxx