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Published: April 10th 2012
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Ah, sex while travelling. The elephant in the room. And by that, I don’t mean you’ve brought home a fat chick, I mean that it’s a difficult subject.
There are a large amount of people who go travelling to broaden their mind, see the world, etc., but there are also a large amount of people who are looking for sex. Many people rightly or wrongly believe that hostels around their world are full of horny girls looking for easy sex; in my experience, they weren’t. Well, not when I was there, anyway.
The problem with sex while travelling is that it’s not always convenient or easy to find a safe place. Here are a couple of techniques and tips I’ve picked up (mainly through watching other people!):
1. The Fort
Forts have been around for thousand of years. Ever since the first caveman looked over at his neighbour’s wife and liked the look of her saber-tooth tiger, men have been erecting walls to protect their homes. It’s in our nature to construct forts; as youngsters, why else do we spend hours under the kitchen table?
Thankfully, the skills you learn as toddler playing Cowboys and Indians come in handy
once you find yourself with a lady in a hostel room. Sex in hostel rooms is obviously difficult; you can have anything from 4 to 40 people in the room, many of whom will delight in catching two people making the beast with two backs. That’s where The Fort comes into play.
The Fort works best if you’re looking to couple with someone already in your room, and only really works if you’re on the bottom bunk.
What you have to do is get another sheet (hence why it’s easier if the girl’s in the same room as you); tuck the sheet into bed above you so that it hangs down and covers your own bed. If you’ve got real skill, you might be able to get the sheet to hang down on the ends of the bed, as well as the sides. If not, you can always use a towel (probably best if you use your own).
And there you have it; a perfectly secure, impregnable little boudoir. Just remember - even though people can’t see you, they will still be able to hear you!
I’ve seen some fairly impressive forts in my time. Some
of them have had turrets and a portcullis; one even had a moat. I’ve seen one fort stop a horde of invading Vikings. Well, some drunk Danish people, but then that’s all Vikings are.
2. The Shower / Toilet
If you don’t back yourself to construct a strong enough fort, or you just can’t be arsed, then there’s always the option of using the shower / toilet. A lot of this depends on the layout of your shower or toilet. Hostels in New Zealand and Australia will generally have decent enough hostel toilets and showers, but in Asia, you’re really taking a gamble.
Pretty obviously, pick your cubicle with care. Some dorm rooms, like in Base hostels in New Zealand, have a small cubicle attached which is accessible from outside the room; it’s probably not best to actually pick the adjoining toilet to your own room. These aren’t ideal as they’re usually quite small and people can hear what’s going on. I remember coming back from a night out in Queenstown to see a group of people gathered outside a cubicle.
‘What’s going on here then’ I politely enquired.
The nearest guy shushed me with a
finger to his lips then cocked his ear at the cubicle. I had a listen, and sure enough, you could the distinctive sound that only comes from a pair of testicles slapping against a backside. Fair enough to the guy inside, his rhythm was pretty solid. And judging from the gasps from the girl inside, she obviously thought so too.
I asked the guy how long he’d been standing there.
‘Oh about 10 minutes. We’re gonna wait till they come out and then give them a guard of honour back to their room’.
Pick your cubicle very wisely indeed then.
Another problem with the shower / toilet routine is getting caught. Now I’m sure this is part of the turn on for some copulating couples, but it does carry a certain risk. I can remember talking to the staff at one hostel following a lively night out. They had seen a drunk couple stumbling up the stairs and decided to watch them on the CCTV. Sure enough, the twosome had gone into the nearest toilet together and emerged a few minutes later, smiling satisfactorily. Well, judging by the time in the corner of the CCTV recording, I’m
guessing only one of them was really smiling with any sense of satisfaction.
In some hostels, a simple telling off might be your only punishment, but remember, some of these places can be pretty strict, and they may end up chucking you out in the morning. It’s up to you to judge if it’s worth it (Ed's note - it's always worth it!).
3. The Great Outdoors
The final solution comes if you can’t find an indoor haven. This problem usually arises if you’ve found yourself a partner from another hostel. Unthinkable as it might be, it is possible. Quite often, hostels don’t allow guests into the hostel, so if your new friend doesn’t have the right band / key, then you my find yourself rejected from coming back in. It depends how much of a jobsworth the receptionist is; generally, if it’s 5am in the morning and they’ve had to deal with returning revellers and would-be choppers for 3 hours, then it’s more than likely they’re going to be moody.
You’re only option, then, is to make use of the Great Outdoors. Thankfully, whoever designed the world obviously envisioned such a problem, and created plenty of handy hideouts. Cheers God. Human genetics haven’t evolved that far from monkeys anyway, so most people probably find the animalistic nature of outdoor sex quite natural.
The beach is often the place for fornicating frolickers. If you’re in a place like Byron Bay or Koh Phi Phi and decide to go for a late night stroll you’ll struggle to find any sand; it’s mostly hidden under the discarded clothes and writhing bodies. I don’t really get the beach thing; firstly, the sand is incredibly irritating. It get’s everywhere, and that can be pretty painful. Forget any images you have of soft velvet sand, the lapping of the ocean providing sweet baby making music and the warm glow of the moonlight given everything a romantic light; the sand is uncomfortable, its cold and there’s crabs everywhere. Well, depending on the girl, of course.
If you can find a beach covered with sun loungers then you could be in luck; but don’t be surprised if a local comes up to you and tries to charge you $5 to use them. They just don’t sleep, those guys.
And if you can't find anywhere...
Sometimes it just won't happen. Fate conspires against you; the showers are full, the kitchen is busy, there's someone doing their laundry at 4am and your fort is crumbling around you. Those are the days when you just have to say goodbye, have a nice cold drink and go to sleep. But please,
don't masturbate in the showers .
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