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Published: January 30th 2018
Forgive me Google for I have sinned, it has been 3 years since my last blog post.
I have much to confess...
I have been using a VPN to mask my sins so that you shall not see, but I know now you have an all-seeing eye and seek your guidance to set me back on the path to well-groomed, targeted advertising.
I have set up false idols and usernames on other less invasive mail clients only for me to see now that they are nothing when compared with your majestic 128-bit encryption, through which you are still able to see my wildest fantasy novel selection on kindle and my greatest flaws and underlay choices. And you lay before me your omnipotent offerings of that only you, in your unerring knowledge, could possibly divine what I want in the deepest depths of my soul, such manna as beard accessories and backpacks with concealable pockets for electronic devices. And when I speak of them to but only the closest of my friends and family they too speak of what inspirational divinity you have and then deliver them to me by your greatest messenger, Archamazon Gobriel.
I have not
deserved your well-organized and standardized font as I danced with the serpent of uncached browsing of duckduckgo, and my lustful dalliances as a youth into temptation of flashing electric pink images and text of myspace.
I, with my eyes full of greedy pride, accepted from the serpent himself the apple iphone plucked from the lowered branch of the tree of wiki knowledge, only to find myself caught in the World Wide Web of deceit and overly regular updates and planned obsolescence of my favoured apps. Such knowledge it beheld of which I was not ready for and now I feel remorse at my faltering faith and ever buffering videos. The knowledge imparted on me was that I found your followers and the founders of the Great Synagoogle of St. Francis had changed the great text from "Do Good" to "Don't do Evil". They have borne you false witness and now I lay prostrate in a snoozing pod of flagellation wishing that you forgive these lost souls.
I have taken thy name in vain. When asked how I knew something at work I responded "I googled it", when in actual fact, I had just read a vaguely related tweet
by a famous Hollywood celebrity.
Whilst continuing down my spiral of procrastination, I gave in to the worst vice of all. I found myself in acts of self-indulgence searching for my own name in the reflective pools of the Google of Eden to see my own accomplishment stare back at me in comforting self-absorption. Today, however, I came once again to bathe in my own ego-fueled grandeur only to find that you, the great bringer of my self-congratulation served me at 3Mbit/s the cold hard truth of self-awareness. My bloated ego had supposed that I was more than just a microbe floating in the infinite streams of Netflix and Prime. And in a great torrent of fury and Piratebay malware my soul cleansed itself of its presumption. I found myself and my own writing and efforts sunk to the 3rd or 4th pages. submersed by the well-written prose by Tim Harford, even though he only performs a partial rendition of my name. Even when I put my name in quotation marks the only remnants of existence are that of envy, sloth and greed ... my facebook, youtube and linkedin profiles.
Please Google if you are listening or at
least crawling my page with the googlebot; send me a sign of your forgiveness. I beg of you to restore my Google rating of at least one of my blog posts and I will bring down the Philistines at Bing and never adblock again. I will even like inane cat videos and post memes and set up a twitter account. I will promise not to use end-to-end encryption on whatsapp. Anything! but please, please allow me a place on your leaderboard of life and significance.
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