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Published: September 13th 2020
Everytime I hear this question I feel fear and tears. I instantly clench and tears form at the backs of my eyes.
Although I published a daily vlog though lockdown talking about it face to face is just not the same, when I write a blog or film a vlog it doesn’t feel like talking to a person but just releasing whats inside outside.
I was confronted in London with the question so many times, a question I can’t process, the short answer is -
‘I feel like I have a form of PSD my body is in shock still and everything is yet to be processed but basically it was not ok.’
Not only does it make me feel fear & tears but as I have still not dealt with the pain I feel intense resentment I have lost the ability to empathise I know of course that we all have/ had our own journey and that each of us struggled but I feel such a speration from my experience, the pain I still feel from being in isolation is penitrating I can’t imagine how it can compare to yours, I don’t have the room in my brain to process it. As humans we have a certain capacity for pain and suffering and I have reached mine, I struggle recently to process news stories which expose deep suffering, I feel I don’t have the room or energy to care, and for that I feel awful which just adds to my suffering.
I have a processing process you see, that I have always followed. When I find myself in grief, despair or heartbreak I have to remove myself from every day life, I need to be somewhere safe and structured, somewhere I can be vunrable and feel protected at the moment that place is out of reach right now so I shall continue to try and process bit by bit at home but please my loves as ever be gentle and be aware a question can be a trigger and each and everyone of us is going through something that others can’t relate to- be kind always.
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