Tenerife

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So this is where it really began, this is where i first recieved the bite of the unwelcomed travel bug..further reflection will also show this is where i recieved my first bit of an infected mosquito, soaked with drunken scottish blood from the bloke next door i imagine, as well as my first sight of a ginger man at full erect first thing in the morning singing Bros tunes in the shower..a momentous holiday i think we can all agree

let me explain how i got here, some of you might have read about wideboy inviting me on holiday with him and my moment of weakness and saying yes..i think in part it was down to me still working to work out if bears actually shat in trees, must check our bear ghrylls on bbc 2 to see if he can shed some light.

But what i hadnt realised was the crucial things, I would have to pay,previous holiday money usually amounted to me be given a tenner by my grandad...scottish...say no more.. but this was a shock that intrepid travellers like myself (torquay, lyme regis, chard, even exeter..the Micheal Palin of our day..although he might have been our day..is he dead?) apparently also i would have to carry my own passport, check my own bags, unpack and look after myself for a whole week..the question of application of suncream was going to be an issue, but i thought that, sitting in the pub meeting the other travellers for the first time was not the best introduction to me..this was swiftly beaten by 'lloyd' informing me that he was glad another fat bloke was on the holiday with him..lifelong best friend or enemy for the week , these are the things that went through my mind, lifelong friend he is but on reflection him having his own fags that swayed it.. although secretly i think he also was struggling with the suncream question..ours would undoubtedly take the most application.

so, we were off, travelling in 7ups dads car, listening to backstreet boys, looking forward to all the booze and sex and sun and STD's we were undoubtedly going to be having all week...why did i at this point not recognise the feeling i had in my stomach, why was i in a car that was going past richmond, twickenham, past my carefully planned insular world, brentford, what the hell is brentford, i didnt even know there was a river let alone having to cross it to get to brentford?!

airport, check in, personal questions, did i tell the man that my mum had packed my bags or should i lie and say it was me, i went for the lie and panicked that i was going to end up being interrogated as to what was in my bag..shorts pants designer label t-shirts(outlet store, i was buying primark before primark existed) and a condom id stolen off my brother, yes it was rock hard and split but hey, at least i had one so i could have lots of sex..the mathmatics of this situation hadnt dawned on me, i didnt know they werent reusable.

air side, pub, drink 3 pints, alls good, wideboys drunk and on the fruity, greeks getting loads of looks from women, hes like adrian moles mate, ginge is looking at bird sanctuary brochures (dear reader, this is the ginger from the start of my blog, just in case you though it was a random erect ginger penis i was confronted by) everyone laughing..knowone was going to the toilet, was this the best time to tell them about my bladder like a 7 year old? no, hold it in, be a man, dont call home, oh ok, one call home obviously to let them know i was ok, knowone else was doing this, but surely parents need to know we're ok,

boarding, sit next to wideboy who tells me he loves me, takeoff, wideboy holding onto me like he really loves me, crusing at altitude, wideboys asleep, descent, bumpy, i tell wideboy i love him, land, disembark plane, heat, loud, foreign, scared, want to go home, passport check, why did i get my hair bleached and wear an england shirt for my passport photo. bloke arrested for stealing the life vest from plane, christ, what does he need that for? apparently according to internet we would be knee deep in birds, but how deep?will i need a life vest? Was the life vest an analogy, a commentary on the vastness of being alone in a foreign land, to be able to have ones own bouyancy aid to survive this travels..no, big Dave (well thats what his white polo t-shirt with his face plastered all over the front, said on the back) was alrady drunk and though it would be a laugh, as he was dragged off by policemen with guns..(GUNS, why do they need guns?) but comically, he did still had the life vest on

on coach to our hotel, its now gone 3am..what will our hotel be like, white walls, with views from the blacony over the rolling atlantic ocean, a veranda perhaps, with sweet scented orange trees to greet us every morning...

mock, laugh, welcome
the reluctant traveller

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