Amsterdam - day 40

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Geo: 52.3738, 4.89095

there are some things i do when travelling alone to make sure i stay safe:

-i rarely, if ever, go out at night
-i don't drink
-i certainly don't do drugs

so my first evening in amsterdam i went out at DUSK and saw a sex show, and DIDN'T
DRINK...then i went to a 'coffee shop' and DIDN'T DO DRUGS, i bought 'cake' and took it
back to my hotel room and i ATE it...it was a safety success! (though the sex show was so UNsexy it was practically boring)

i used vivien's famous words at the door and was granted easy access - have y'all heard
the story? of me and viv in las vegas looking for a strip joint? i was drunk (but i
wasn't alone so it was allowed) and happened to walk up to the door of the club first but
when the bouncer looked at me i just froze, i had NO idea what to say to the man...viv
pipes up from behind me with "are ladies welcome?" and he made sure we were made to feel
at ease and comfortable - the same words work wonders in amsterdam too

you can sit in the same 'theatre' for up to 7 hours without seeing the same people
'perform' - that's a pretty good deal, working for 10 minutes every 7 hours

met a prostitute 😊 i did a tour of the red light district and it was a wealth of
information on how it all works, and at the end we spoke with our own personal sex worker
and we could ask whatever we wanted...i was so bogged down with a million questions that
i kind of stalled...the red light district is the safest place to be in amsterdam as
there are cameras and undercover security dudes everywhere

so then i went to the 'extase coffee shop'...they have a law here which says an
establishment selling pot MUST use the words "coffee shop" in the signage...you can
actually get coffee there too, but if you want JUST coffee you go to a 'cafe'

i walk in and am handed a menu, and i quickly see the magic words "space cake" so i got
one to go...then i ate half of it...then i remembered it was the night my mum was due to
call me...then thought fuckitol, and ate the other half...then i ate falafel (because,
you know, when you're stoned and you see a bright neon sign saying 'falafel' you think
'falaaaaffeeeeeeeellllll'...so the next time y'all see my mum have a giggle on me, little
does she know i was off my tits when i spoke to her

randoms:

-when the cannabis museum opened a law was passed that they weren't allowed to use the
word 'cannabis' so being good citizens they renamed it the 'hash, marijuana and hemp
museum'

-a lot of the buildings here lean...to the left or to the right, doesn't matter, but
they've stood for around 500 years and when a building wants to lean, it shall lean

-if the dutch aren't amish, why are the amish dutch?

-the airport is 4m under sea level...18% of the country is water and 40% of the land is
under sea level...with global warming and the rising sea levels, they need to redirect
the water or learn to swim fast...there's a saying "god created earth, the dutch created
holland"...they literally drained the water using their iconic canal system and made the
land habitable

-there are 600,000 bicycles in amsterdam, and the riders are a visious bunch

-they have a flower auction that sells 48 million flowers and plants a day! go to the
market today, sell your flowers tomorrow morning, and someone in NYC buys them that same
afternoon

-when the sun is shining, amsterdam is an absolutely stunning city...it actually looks a lot like copenhagen but amsterdam has an edge to it that makes it feel exciting

-the food in holland is deplorable...there is no such thing as dutch cuisine...they do pancakes (as big as pizzas) and profiterjes (which are just tiny pancakes), and even those they don't do so well...i think my friend chrys NEEDS to live here for a few years, not only for obvious reason, but to open a greek restaurant and feed these poor buggers some awesome tasting food

clogs and tulips and van gogh and canals and sex in windows and cake (it came in muffins too, i swear it was a tough choice), old architecture, a society tollerant of all - what's not to
like...amsterdam is a lot like athens - dirty and tough, and no one gives a shit about
you or what you are doing...absolutely fuckawesome

ps...the hair! a few days later i've decided to refer to it as "the rod stewart do"...wake up maggie i think i've got something to say to you...

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Comments

[Samita]

My eyebrows were up so high while reading the first part that they may stay that way LOL also wtf at the bike parkiing LOL

[nicky7a]

lol...what part? can you IMAGINE going to amsterdam and not seeing a sex show or doing drugs? c'mon man!!!

[melissab2009]

my space cake was much prettier than yours - mine was marble rainbow swirl..but u ate all of yours and i didnt eat all of mine LOLi had exactly the same impression of the sex show i saw in amsterdam and of the bike riders too - they really
are mental2 more sleeps til take off so i'll see u in a few days!

[nicky7a]

a few days!!!! it's music to my ears about now...i'm getting antsy...waiting for youse to come has been as hard as youse waiting to get here (nearly)

[nicky7a]

ps...and with viv being so close yet so far away, it has made it that much worse

[Laura (onetruefriend)]

I'm a bit Danish and may have had ancestors come from Copenhagen, glad you enjoyed it. I have little to no interest in Amsterdam. But I'm glad for you if you had a good time!Stay safe! - Laura

[kevloid]

wtf it looks like those bikes were unloaded by a dumptruck.

[nicky7a]

the bike riders in amsterdam were scary bastards!!!