Just Speaking My Mind...


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January 13th 2010
Published: January 13th 2010
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I just felt like typing today, figured I'd let you all know I'm still alive. No pictures this time, just some thoughts.

I've realized once and for all that I want to stay here with Mirjam. I know I've been saying that for a long time now but just now my very very distrustful and doubtful part of my mind has agreed with the rest of me. I want to spend my life with Mirjam, even if it wasn't in Europe. I wouldn't care if it was Europe, Russia, or even Uganda or anywhere else, I don't care about where, I care about who. She is my soul mate, my life mate.

Everyone of you who read this blog, all of you know me fairly well. Most of you remember me before I met her. Sure I was slowly growing up and maturing, getting control over my autism. But I was still very bitter, very distrustful, and convinced that my life at best, would only be bitter sweet, and lonely. Mirjam herself recalls how closed to her I was when we first met. She recalls that my favorite phrase was "I don't want to talk about it." Sound familiar? It should to at LEAST Mrs. Melvin, Mrs. Mills, Mr. Marquoit, and many more.

I am indebted to those wonderful people at Orion, what I said at my graduation was straight from my heart. They saved my life, they helped me realize that I can control my own destiny. But when they first made me realize this, shortly after I opened my eyes and improved beyond needing medication. When I first realized that I could control my destiny... "For what? To what end?" I still believed I had little future to look forward to, I had no purpose.

Many of you understand that many of those with Asperger Syndrome, myself included, display an ironclad determination when roused to do so. But this only happens for me when I feel like I have a purpose. I remember my lowest points in my depression were when I felt I had no purpose, no future, nothing to work towards. For as long as I can remember, I felt that I didn't belong in Boyne City. Sure many will change, and see how I've changed. But the sad reality is that humans aren't anywhere near as wise and kind as they should be. I would live the rest of my life in Boyne City under the shadow of my past. And I had nowhere else to go. So many of you see now why I always felt so hopeless, and kept a false optimism for so long.

That never ending spiral of hopelessness and depression, all of it. All of it melted away when Mirjam expressed her feelings to me, as I had foolishly hoped she would for months. That one moment made me rethink my entire life up to this point, that finally I was given a gift. From that moment on I had a purpose. It was only coincidence that it happened almost precisely 2 years ago from this moment. I'm sure many of my teachers and friends remember the huge change in my mood during the end of 2007/start of 2008.

I know many of you did, and still fear that I may be setting myself up for pain. That it's just too good to be true, that I'll have problems somewhere down the line. Well the problems never left to begin with, my Aspergers is still here, and it's combined with the cultural and lingual differences between the Dutch and the Americans. There were many times when I felt that this still can't work. But like a real couple, we work it out. Mirjam wants me and is more than willing to work to keep me, as I am more than willing to work for her, as I have always worked to fit in amongst everyone.

So I say to all of you who care about me. This is my greatest hope, my greatest achievement, and my greatest love. Be proud of me, and most importantly be proud of yourselves. If not for all of you, I would never have met her, and even if I did, I wouldn't have been good enough to help her see past my problems. Thank you, all of you.

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13th January 2010

Purposes are wonderful!
Jon, you have so beautifully expressed yourself here. Thank you for sharing. It thrills me to know that you have found purpose in loving and being loved by a person whom you aptly describe as a gift! And I do believe you have the skills and determination to make it work. Now that you are sensing your worthiness to have a gift as wonderful as Mirjam, (and I can say this openly since you are no longer my student) I say, seek God with all your heart because there are more wonderful gifts and purposes in life awaiting you! You and Mirjam are in my prayers, love Rose
13th January 2010

Good for you
Hey Jonathan, You write so well, you really have to pursue writing a book. If you don't you are cheating not only yourself but all the others that have been in similar spots. I'm so happy you have found your love, your email is infused with confidence and hope. I love to read them, now write a book I can read! Keep us posted on what is happening with you as well as chapter drafts. We here at Orion can be your editing board. Be well and be peaceful, Mrs. Melvin
14th January 2010

Hurray, hurray, hurray for you, Jon!!! I am so proud of you, of your confidence, of your willingness to reach out, even if tentatively at first, and seek what you need. You are your own best friend . . . and your own best advocate! Best wishes to you, and to you and Mirjam. Be safe and stay in touch. I love hearing how your life is going.
15th January 2010

I miss you, Jon
This is all so great, Jonathan, but I'll miss you terribly. But don't think of me, think of her. She is, as you say, a gift. Keep ahold of her and don't let go, don't let secrets stand between you and keep her closer to your heart than anyone else in the world. It's what we all search for in this world and you've found it, the truest kind of love; you're one of the lucky ones. We all miss you here and I hope you're still planning on coming back at the end of winter, even if just to visit, since I know you'll be wherever she is whenever you can. Your friend, Nicole Burwell

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