A boisterous trip to the Blue Lagoon with my chavvy wife

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June 5th 2017
Published: June 6th 2017
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Malta day 5 June 5th

A boisterous boat trip to the Blue Lagoon with my chavvy wife

Before we set off for Malta we did some research into boat trips to the blue lagoon on Comino Island. We were recommended a trip with Barbarossa cruises who we paid a deposit to. Two days ago they said that they had to cancel our trip because of some people not working because of the recent election. Judging by the vast hordes of people who came on our boat let alone the many other boats at the lagoon we are a bit dubious about this.

They gave us our deposit back and we spent it on a cheap and far from cheerful trip for a measly €17 including a buffet lunch and unlimited drinks. A bargain you may say. How do they make any money you say? Well, let me tell you.

Firstly they cram hundreds of people onto a boat. Then they just have two people giving out the drinks, which are in small plastic cups. For lunch the queue snakes slowly around the whole boat and they don't serve it until you've docked in the blue lagoon. So do you queue for a bit of bread, pasta and salad or do you think sod it?

We said sod it, we'd already had a whole cup of drink each after I queued for 20 minutes so I was feeling well in the money....

I bought a Maltese sandwich from a stall up the hill while Claire had a pot of strawberries. I usually like to get my money's worth but Captain Morgan can shove it!

The banks of the blue lagoon were awash with holidaymakers. In the absence of a beach they'd taken up every last square centimetre of rock by the water's edge. They were lying across paths and generally being a bit annoying. They didn't seem bothered at behaving like sardines. Or listening to shite music. After all we had all had the dubious pleasure of sharing their 'music' on the boat.

If you don't like these sort of trips and people I suggest you avoid Captain Morgan cruises. Not that it bothered us but the supposedly free wi fi on board never materialised either. I'm guessing you can see where they make their money now...

The blue lagoon is stunning and is indeed blue. Shame the place is awash with chavs but hey, life is rarely perfect. We managed to find a spot where we could leave our stuff while we went for a swim and headed out into the clear waters. We swam across the bay, walked across a beach and then negotiated some slippery rocks before swimming through a narrow tunnel and out into the open sea.

There were less people here which was nice although we did actually become invisible for a while to some that were there. We swam round them as they obviously couldn't see us to avoid any unpleasantness but kinda hope we can use this new superpower whenever we want. After swimming into some caves we made our way back through the tunnel and back across the bay to find our stuff almost buried beneath throngs of people (good job I put the r in throngs...). Somehow we managed to clamber through them and find a place of relative quiet. Sort of.

We were sat on a stoney path but at least I managed to have a strawberry slush while Claire went all chavvy and had a cocktail in a hollowed out pineapple. The pineapple looked nice and after drinking the booze she managed to get a load of the flesh out to eat with her bare hands. Very impressive despite the very sticky results. One stall had been selling this for €10 with booze and €8 without..... Fortunately she got hers for €6 or I'd be still whinging about it on my deathbed! And I am certainly NOT paying €8 for a bit of fruit juice even if it is in a pineapple. It would have to be in a solid gold cup that I could keep for that price!

Back on the boat Claire quickly queued twice to get her two beers and me three cokes....now we're in profit surely! The seats upstairs were already taken so we sat in the saloon downstairs and ended up next to the same boisterous group of Italians we'd been next to on the way out. I have no luck. At least they didn't have their sound system with them this time. And they actually all fell asleep at one point which was quite sweet. How they managed that with all the racket going on I will never know.

I worked out earlier that we have been on a boat trip every day of this holiday except the day we arrived. I'd do all the others again. I'd go to the blue lagoon again (later in the afternoon though when it's quieter) but I wouldn't cruise with Captain Morgan again. I never even got to meet the guy and ask him why rum tastes like monkey sick put in a muslin bag and dragged out of the arse of a randy badger. Hopefully I'll meet Billy Bacardi one day and get to ask him the same question.

We had a few more drinks before we got to shore and then said goodbye to all the friends we'd made today. It was hard having to part but somehow we dragged ourselves away with tears in our eyes vowing to keep in touch. Then we remembered we'd forgotten to swap contact details and the boat was sailing away. We shouted but the information was lost in the waves. Heroically I dived in, managed to catch the boat before it left the harbour, clambered up the side and....oh who am I kidding... The only people we'd conversed with were people we'd negotiated with to try and get a seat.

The trip we had previously booked to go on would have been €55 so more than three times what we paid today. It undoubtably would have been better but I'm not sure we would have got our money's worth there either and €17 is a lot easier to part with than €55.

Once ashore we decided to have something to eat and used the powers of Tripadvisor. The Bad Bull had mostly good reviews, was just down the road and so we headed there. I checked they had Maltese cuisine and so I was happy. There don't appear to be many Maltese vegetarian dishes for Claire in the restaurants we find but I'm working my way through the meaty ones.

At €17.50 for a four course meal and coffee this was a bit of a bargain. Maltese bruschetta to start, a Maltese platter to follow, then a main course of garlic rabbit followed by coffee and ice cream was great value. Apart from the ice cream all the portions were pretty good as well. Claire had a vegetarian pasta dish and some of my olives and cheese from my platter.

We had eschewed the chance to get a stuffy minibus back to our end of town, opting to walk instead. We had a pleasant stroll along the sea front and even stopped off for a romantic lie down on some rocks near the water's edge. I askd Claire if she minded me looking wistfully out to sea and she said it was fine so I did that for a while too. After buying in breakfast for the morning it was back to our apartment to write blogs and plan tomorrow's activities.


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