Tiny Baby Brian Jesus

---

Asian Ninja Massages and Jew Pac Shakur

Before I tell you the story of Budapest, I think everyone should be aware of the freebies that exist in life. At any hostel, especially in San Francisco, exists the book exchange. Here you can find many books left by hostel visitors and travelers with a wide variety of choices to choose from. Since I started book swapping in Berlin I’ve taken up a renewed interest in reading. Many other book exchange programs exist out there by mail, but with this one you get to see what you’re exchanging and there’s no postage due. Another thing I should bring up is that hostels in San Francisco are probably full of the same people that fill up the hostels nightly in Europe, horny drunken travelers. For those of you looking for a quick one stand, I suggest checking in at a hostel in your area. It’s a great place to meet and network with people from around the world and they’re full of horny Australians and Europeans who would be amazed at how well you know the city. I’m a bad person I know. Hector, you can thank me later. I’m almost so confident that I’m guaranteeing it’s success 2 out of 3 times. This guarantee does not include the following people:
Mike Potter

I’m still not 100% sure how the hell I ended up in Budapest. It wasn’t really that place that during the planning of the trip I thought, “man I really got to get over to Budapest, that’s the place to be.” I saw a picture of the thermal baths in a book and thought it might be fun to venture off that deep. On our original journey plan Budapest and Bucharest were stops on the way to Athens and Mikinos Greece, but due to the riots we couldn’t go there, so we dropped Bucharest and Greece, but kept Budapest. I would have taken Tara to Greece, but her looting skills are sub par when sober and her graffiti art is atrocious. She’s also kind of clumsy and can’t be trusted to light Molotov cocktails without blowing off an appendage. Stick to what you know I guess, she teaches, I destroy. I really still don’t know how I ended up in Budapest though. First a brief history lesson. Budapest is actually two cities Buda and Pest, split by the Danube river united in 1873. They’re both really the same damn place, with Pest having more shit to look at being older and Buda being the side that is more host to kids, bars and hotels.

Fast Food Disco

I would still lump Budapest into the ever growing category of a 2nd world country. It’s no United States or U.K. but it ain’t Somalia either. The metro system is improving but still kind of blows. There’s no maps there so you have to guess which station to get on/off, the toll people don’t have change and there’s never more than one kiosk to buy tickets. All the cab drivers there will steal your money and take you on a long fare journey. Places like McDonalds and KFC are built like superior restaurants and are considered good places to eat. Some of them are like disco clubs with multi levels and plasma screen televisions everywhere. One of the Burger Kings was bigger than, “the Bear,” in Chico. Everyone we encountered here seemed to be pissed off unless they were under the age of 18 years old. The air is a little stale and thick with what feels like low laying smog to fill your lungs and make you feel like a coal miner. There is an abundance of homeless people here and they all have children or animals, which everyone knows by now, the only thing I hate more than homeless people are homeless people who peddle their kids and pets to make money. Maybe it was all the people who didn’t enjoy communicating with us like apes using only hand gestures, pointing, and grunts, but Budapest just felt angry.

Never Judge an Apartment By Its Building

With all of that said, Budapest was still extremely beautiful. First it’s huge so if you just enjoy scenerary and cities, then there is way too much to see. Most of the original architecture is here, but they are beginning to remolded old buildings into new square boring buildings. There are remnants of the communist regime like statues and things, but the place really has a good sense of itself and where it wants to go. If anything should be said about Budapest two things should be noticed. Budapest is a great place for education. It’s cheap, fast, and done proper, rather than ass backwards, drag out the costs and time system that the United States had been peddling to its youth over the last 40 years. The second thing is that out of all the countries in the world I’ve traveled too, I have never seen a more joyous bunch of teenagers. I can’t thing of a group of kids from 5 years old to 18 years old that seemed so happy to be kids, not even in the states. If you were ever living in a shithole country and needed some sign of progress or something to make you feel like the evolution of where you lived was gaining solid ground, look no further than education and the status of the youth. Using those factors as litmus, I’d say that Budapest is far better along than the United States.

Jew Pac Shakur

We stayed with Tara’s Jewish friend Etam. Etam is an Israeli born medical student studying in Budapest hoping to be a doctor in the United States one day. He’s a Jew, but a fun Jew because he lets us poke fun at him almost as much as he pokes fun at himself. Jew Pac Shakur’s place was a clean, cozy, fashionable, high ceiling mecca of comfort inside what look to be a building for squatters and communist refugees from Bulgaria on the outside. Etam and his lady took us out on the town for dinner and then to a giant club, which is actually an apartment building converted into a club, with like 20 rooms and a few bars. There was no cover charge and it was the most brilliant bar I’ve ever seen. It would never be a successful business back home because of drugs and you’d have to hire a bouncer for every room and that’s not even taking into account all the fire codes. Being at the club also brought about a terrible fact, Etam doesn’t drink. Seeing as I was staying at his home, I decided to put off my Living Like Louie in Las Vegas day until London. If you don’t know what that means, it’s basically a day where I wake up and start drinking while in the shower through breakfast and pretty much until I puke up something black or a non vital organ, and then I shake and sweat my way through sleep.

The theme of Budapest quickly became relaxation vacation. On our second night there we went to the thermal baths. The water comes from natural thermal springs under the ground and is around 75 degrees, which is money when it’s 32 degrees outside. The water isn’t full of chlorine but instead has nutrients added to it that have healing agents in them. I can’t help but feel like I now have some water born pathogen living inside me now. We went at night to avoid having to see saggy old lady boobs and old men in banana hammocks. The two biggest signs at the baths are no drinking and don’t stay in longer than 20 minutes. We obeyed the drinking sign, but we stayed in for over an hour. Everyone else there stayed longer and everyone was getting wasted. The best part for me is when Tara bought our tickets they gave us two key cards. It turns out that they ran out of normal key cards so one of them (the one I had) was a VIP card. Every time I tried to enter an area, one of the staff members would just point to the stairs and say, “go.” When I finally got to my changing are, I had my own cabana and a personal servant to hold my clothes and shoes while I got dressed. When I got down stairs and asked how it went for Tara, she said she just got a crappy locker and a bunch of bad memories of loose skin. What can I say, role with me, you roll VIP. The next day we got Thai Massages from these little monkey ninja ladies. Now there’s two types of massages, ones with happy endings and ones where you actually get a massage of the body. When I get a massage I don’t want some tiny little hot lady with hands like feathers. I want an East German lady that weighs around 200-300lbs and has hands like a lumberjack. So I see these two little Thai women and I think, man this going to suck. Let me say this…those little ladies fucked my shit up. Jumping on me, doing cartwheels and wheelies off my neck. At one point she lifted me a foot off the ground and I could hear like 17 places on my body pop like the top of a Pringles can. It was awesome.

Etam’s house was easy living, maybe the first time since Ireland I felt like I was on vacation and not an excursion through Europe. Every night we went out and ate grub, saw some of the city and came home to watch movies or play board games. It may sound lame to spend your time in a foreign city that way, but after 6 weeks of travel, it’s all I really wanted to do. Etam was the man, he hooked us up with burnt DVD’s and cooked us dinner one night as well. Though English is his second language and he received a serious beat down from me in Scategories, I’ll be quick to remind everyone that I got nothing but love for him. That and he was trained to kill people in the Israeli army and I’m sort of scared he might hurt me. The beer in Budapest was somewhat of a let down. After sampling 5 or 6 of them I would say that I didn’t find a single beer I liked. I attempted to use reverse psychology the last night there and I bought the cheapest shit they had at the local store. It tasted like bong water. I know a lot of people use the bong water analogy to describe a bad tasting drink, but I’m not fucking around, it smelt and tasted like bong water. When I went downstairs to purchase another type of beer to cleanse my palate, I saw a homeless guy stocking up on the beer I was trying to erase from my memory. So it’s official, I drink like a Hungarian bum.

After such a great time in Budapest, which I no longer believe to be a shit hole, we headed by taxi to the train station. As we got there, the first thing I said to Tara was, man, this place is empty, way different from the zoo the first night we got here. Then after a half hour, I wonder why there are no trains on the board. Tara went searching for answers and returned a half hour later. The lady says all the train workers are on strike. Great, stuck in Budapest where no one speaks English and we have no way to get out. It’s like being a resident of Florida. We headed back to Etam’s house and we took a bus to Vienna the next day and then a train to Croatia. Budapest was amazing. Croatia swallows cock. You’ll find out why, next week on the AMAZING ADVENTURES OF AMERICANS ABROAD!!!

---

Photos

Silent Night
Away in his manger, no crib for a bed

Jew Pac Shakur's Golden Balls
Always after the gold they are.

The Apt Bar
40 something rooms of mayhem

Photo 9
This isn't what i had in mind when they said the baths of Budapest were a must visit

Photo 3
I've always dreamt of doing this to Matt Reagan's room

I hate unions
This is what happens when train conductors go on strike

Comments

[Ganz]

Another rip on Potter....love it! That apt club looks and counds fucking unbelievable!!!