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Published: October 16th 2008
Not all can runs smouthly all the time, not all is always perfect. For the pass few weeks the tention in the house had increased from both my side and my hosts. Most of you know that I've never felt realy comfortable with my hosts since I've been here. I told myself to give it time and that's what I did in the end it caught up to me and it was not the best idea. I held it in until I could take no more. And ever did they talk with me either. So tuesday everything collapsed infront of me. I told my counselor to meet at a resturant in town. And explain the problems I was facing and the discomfort I've felt with my family from the start. I was crying and very upset of course. His advice he gave me was that I didn't speak german enough and didn't study it enough as well as you have to speak with your hosts so we are going back home right at the moment and all of us will meet.
The discussion had to happen at a moment or another but too much time has gone by for things to be fully fixed. I found myself at the table with with 3 adults telling me everything I do I do wrong. I should speak more german I should speak german I'm not speaking and expressing myself in German we will not hear you was the arguement which came back up everytime I'd try to say a word. A one way argument. So I#m always on my computer, I'm not interested in the family, I do not offer people to do activities with them I never smile and my body lnaguage is not spontanious. I'm here only for the trip only for the good. I was not well prepared in Canada. And The fact that I should always make the first move first towards people one of a group came up. I was basically compared to the other exchange student who is really happy and open. I was told my being is wrong and I cannot be quiet, being shy like I am is wrong and it's scaring people away.
Never was it considered that I was unhappy and It could possibly be why my behavior is of such. I'm not well and here I cannot be myself I cannot turn to anyone, rely on anybody, or the fact that I am alone alone in a country I do not know and a culture which is completely different and a family which has completely different values and priorities then my own was not in the question. The fact that I am narrow minded and not willing to adapt to this lifestyle came up.
I had a counselor who told me the answer to all my problemes was because I didn't speak and I was uninterested in the culture. A host momther who told me I was a nice girl but she wants me to be all I am not and Oviously I cannot change over the night ever since I've been here I've been challenging myself to improve with my shyness and personally I have done some improvements. And a host father who compared me to his daughter an other exchange student they hosted who was interested in learning. I came here with no base how is it that when I put step in a country I know the languages.
So I was comfronted with all my weaknesses all my problemes are my own fault. My whole being was questionned and told they didn't like it and I had to be all I am not. But how do I be what I am not. Is it even possible. I came here to get to know myself better not to change who I am as a person even though all insisted it's not what they expected from me to change who I am every fault I have and everything I am is wrong.
Who do I turn to how do I defend myself towards such attacks towards me. When even the one person I'm suppose to turn to when all his wrong turn is back on me. His behavior and diplomacy in the situation did not impress me does not impress me still, he who is suppose to resolve the problem and support myself came against me and told me I had to adapt to this family#s way of life and speak german or else he would hear me. He his out of the country for 10 days now leaving a probleme unresloved. In the back of my head I will say i want nothing to do with this family anymore. Not because they are mean or have not been good with me but because I am personally not comfortable with the life they are leading and them as individuals. I don't believe that one can be friends with everyone they meet some people one will never like not for any reason personally but in there character and way of being is not compatible with their own personality.
Everything is forced now two days after the storm there is improvement and maybe putting up with my probleme and dealing with it would make me a better person. But My mind is made up I did a mistake I waith so long to talk with them that the anger just build up in me and in them as well that I personally want nothing of it anymore. I'm not trying to escape my probleme by wanting to change famillies I want to solve MY problem. To feel more comfortable and to be able to be with people who I feel I will be comfortable with. I'm not saying it's right but because I do not want to leave my family in a quarel but my whole being is being distroyed staying here since I am just not well with them.
So yesterday I went to see the principal a nice women who will help me and understood my problemes I was facing. so she will discuss with my counselor at his return that I am not well and really want to change families. which I will asume the out comes for better or worst. But I will know then. If I do not I will never know.
In the end I never got to express myself to my family well because I was criing and upset since I was told all my defaults and the 3 counsidered this being unprepared for this conversation but they all knew about it expect myself, they came up with it in my back. My hosts had spoken with him befor I had a chance too so He had already hear one side of the story and was not willing to hear me in anycase I felt as so. I didn't winn against them and theres still things I would like to say but I do not feel comfortable saying since I will be doing more more wrong.
So yesterday morning my host mom asked if I felt better. What do I say no like shit you just told me you hate me as a person and I cannot act the way I am acting because it's considered not adapting. So I said a little but no really. Yesterday I took a long walk I just kept going straight eating ferro rocher's along the way and ended up 8 kilometers later in the town where I take my german courses. And took the bus back. I thought a long while of what I am I to do. But I still have no plan. Today my host mom actually took care of me bringing me places instead of sending someone with me for the first time but my relation with them is over. it's final. Maybe it#s wrong but its making me sick and destroying who I am. I am acting like they want be too or trying to I think but it's all an act since it's not me. NAd when my counselor is back The principal will speak with him and hopefully all will be well. If anyone can help me or tell me other wise I'd like to hear of it
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