Journey for the Broken Hearted


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Europe » Germany » Bavaria » Munich
December 23rd 2013
Published: January 5th 2014
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“So, do you have any kids?” Ah, that question again. Well, what do you expect when chit chatting with an Asian grandma on the plane. Not being racist, I’m Asian too. I must’ve gotten that question hundred times trough out my life. But this time, it hits hard. You see, I just lost the love of my life. She may be smaller than my fist, but she stole our hearts away.

It feels just yesterday, when we saw her lively kicking, bouncing and tumbling; before the doctor said something was very wrong with her. They murmured something about chromosome issue, Edward syndrome or maybe Trisomy 18. They said it’s 1 in 6000 probability and somehow I won the jackpot. There was no pill, medication or operation that can help. The third doctor confirmed and they offered “immediate termination” before she grew too big. I was tempted to go through that easy “way out” but we decided to keep her for as long as we can & let her leave in her own terms. And eventually, she died peacefully, with no one poisoning her & no one yanking her… I may have made a lot of mistakes & stupid decisions throughout my life, but at least I made one decision right.

After the delivery, still half drugged – I cradled a jar of blood of my daughter’s remains and sang her lullaby; as I always did when she was still in me. And at the same time, I heard a perfectly healthy baby cries from the next operating room. It was…brutal… to say the least. We buried her in my home town and named her baby A.

I prayed, I begged, I howled and I yelled at God – but nothing could bring her back. Eventually I’m angry at myself for placing a child on the bottom of my to do list for years and years. And now, I would’ve return all of the “career stuff”, all of the travel experiences, everything – just to have her back, alive & healthy. Everything. Including that sunset in Langkawi where my husband & I danced in, the lavender fields we ran in Hokkaido, the Fjord we’ve cruised in New Zealand, the 12 rainbows in a day that we saw in Norway, the fabulous blue sky hot air balloon ride in Turkey, the balmy night where we held hands & kissed in front of glittering Eiffel Tower… I would’ve given back every single one of them. Everything. But I guess I don’t have that choice, do I?

And whoever told you that fetus will survive after passing their 12 weeks, lies. My baby died on her 2nd trimester. And I’m forever lost. It doesn’t help either with the fact that my cousin got pregnant with her jobless husband at the same time, and some colleagues also glowingly proud of their belly. Why do they get to keep theirs and I lost mine? I was angry at God for a while. For a long while. If I’m obedient, aren’t YOU supposed to take good care of me? Why? Eventually I stopped questioning as the silence just drives me crazy.

I’m so eager to just “try again”. But doctor said to hold on for few months to allow my body to recover. I told my husband if we ever lose another baby again, I will treat myself a trip to Italy. He said, “Why wait for another tragedy to happen? Just go. Take a breather & have a slice of fun before our journey starts again. At least, do something to take your mind off the daily tears.” So I did. I often said that I wasn’t planning on going – but this time I mean it. Unfortunately I had to do it alone this time. But I guess I need to learn how to soothe myself instead of leaning on someone’s shoulder to cry on.

So to that grandma on the plane, I just said “No”; just to keep it simple. My heart cries. I do have a daughter. Did. I look down at my tummy. Gosh, she should’ve been 8 months by now… I shouldn’t be traveling anymore now… But here I am, in a plane going to Munich; trying to mend my broken heart. From Germany I will pass Austria before going down to Italy – where I will be spending most of my time. Europe, please be nice to me this time will you? I had enough hardship already this year.

*************************

I’ve always wanted to visit Munich. Earlier this year, I had the chance to visit Frankfurt but I thought it was a bit of blah. Munich on the other hand, seemed to offer more attractions that suit my style. I bought the Airport-City Day Ticket for 11.70 Euro; which will cover the trip to the city plus getting around for one day. My hotel Cocoon Stachus was kind enough to let me early check in (8.30 am!) and glad to see the modern amenities even though the room size is a bit tight. I got it 20%!o(MISSING)ff via ebookers.com as I found this great discount code over holidaypirates.com.

On my list I’m supposed to go to Marienplatz but somehow I took the wrong subway direction and ended up going to Munich Residenz - which is sort of the White House there as it used to be the royal residence. Bought their combination ticket for 11 euro – that already came with the audio guide. You’ll need to store your bags (for free) but can take pictures as long as no flash. I particularly enjoyed the Antiquarium Hall and Ancestry Hall. The treasury was nice as well. In winter morning, tourist streams are thin so often times I have the rooms for myself. Sometimes a bit spooky though. Unfortunately the theatre was only opened late afternoon and I don’t have time to wait. As I glide through from room to room, I noticed the sky outside is getting bluer. It’s no longer cloudy as before. I’m just getting anxious just to get this over with and move outdoor. Ah, the Theatine church’s yellow walls just look so nice under this sunlight & contrasting the blue sky. I went in as well but not much was memorable.

From there I walked to Marienplatz and it was so crowded. Many of the Christmas market’s stalls have opened selling Gluhwein (mulled wine), Gebbraten Mandeln cookies, candies and Christmas ornaments. I try not to let my guard down. In such dense situation, pickpocket is always a risk. Upon finding the Neue Rathaus, I immediately took the elevator up, paid 2.5 Euros (cheap compared to other towers in Prague or Venice) and took another elevator. The view from above is just gorgeous; again basked in glowing morning light & blue sky. It was a nice change that this time I don’t have to walk all the way up to the 9th floor. I stayed up for about 45 mins or so, just enjoying the view and try to recognize the monuments surrounding me. They did not control the number of people but it was never too crowded.

I walked around some more and somehow ended up in Virtualienmarkt. Lots of butchers, sausage & cheese shops. Too bad due to my dietary restrictions I can’t taste the sausage (and yet I lost my baby even though I’m obedient – hhhhh… pardon the sarcasm, I am still very bitter) but I did queue at one of the cheese store called Schlemermeyer which was packed with locals and tasted their delicious vegetarian quiche.

In the afternoon, I took advantage of my remaining transport pass and zipped my way to BMW Welt. Too bad the museum and plant were closed; so I only got the chance to hang out at their lobby (which is more of a showroom). But it’s free. So why not? There are cool convertibles and cute mini coopers. But the cutest is a small BMW classic where the door is at the front! My husband would’ve loved to see that. You can also test drive some of the cars for a fee. I don’t understand automotive lingo but some basics I can guess (like 0-100 km acceleration in 4.6 seconds) but I still enjoy the free visit. Car lovers would enjoy it more. If you go upstairs, there’s a showroom for motorcycles. I didn’t know BMW produce motorcycles as well. Just across the street, lies the Olympic stadium & tower. As it was getting late, I did not go inside and just took pictures from outside. After that I’m supposed to go to the Theresienwiesen which is the ground for Oktoberfest – I heard they have Christmas market there too – but I was already so exhausted.

Overall Munich was enjoyable. Well, everything looks nicer under a blue sky. At least I was able to smile for a while. Somehow all day no one checks for my transport pass. Hmm, if I was dishonest I could’ve traveled for free.

For more of my pictures click HERE, for my hotel & restaurant reviews click HERE.


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a smile for a while


5th January 2014

The pain of loss
While I'm lucky enough to have six beautiful adult children, over the years I've also has six miscarriages so I do have some small understanding of how you must be feeling. Peace & love to you and your partner and those future children of yours!
5th January 2014

thanks Michelle, I do hope I'll have my rainbow baby soon :)
5th January 2014

We're with you
Bon courage, hold on to your hopeful moments as there will always be better times!
6th January 2014

thanks Frank
5th January 2014

Sad
I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. I agree, sometimes things happen that make us question what we believe in, but I do hope that it will turn around with you eventually, if not soon. But I'm glad that you're finally able to smile now. Best wishes!
6th January 2014

thanks Jay... yeah from time to time I'm able to smile although not as long as it used to
5th January 2014

Thank You for Sharing!
I was just logging in to my TravelBlog and your title caught my eye on my homepage. I have always thought that is such a personal question to ask someone. "Do you have any kids? Why not? When are you going to start having children?" So invasive for a stranger, or even mother-in-law, cousin, or random family member to ask! Maybe it only feels invasive to people who have a difficult history with pregnancy, or maybe even those who are blessed to have children with no complications even feel it's inappropriateness. At any rate, as a nurse, and as someone who also has a difficult history, I am very sorry that you had to endure that experience! And I commend you for sharing that here! Sometimes it's nice to know that you are not the only one in the world who has to suffer the loss of a dream. Nothing will ever erase your pain, but I hope this trip will bring you healing and hope!
6th January 2014

thanks Launie... well unfortunately in Asian culture, such questions are common. I guess I just need to let all of my feelings out, hence I'm being sincere in my blog. I hope that helps someone out there.
5th January 2014

We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby girl...
and thanks for sharing your grief with your TB family. We weren't able to have children, and then after 13 years of marriage we had a little girl...then another...then a boy. We will pray that God answers your prayers for a baby...in our case the answers took some time.
6th January 2014

thanks Bob & Linda... wow 13 years... must be tough... I'm happy that you have 2 children now, never forget to cherish your time with them :)
7th January 2014

Travel blog brings us together
We've been reading your blogs for some time now and are so sad to hear of the loss you are experiencing. Hopefully the healing will begin but you'll never forget what could have been. Life presents challenges that we do not understand. Blues skies will come your way again. Please know we are sending you a hug.
8th January 2014

thanks Dave & Merry Jo :)

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