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Published: July 23rd 2013
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White Sandstone Buildings
Most of the city's buildings are white or whitish. I have had so much success with Fat Tire Bike Tours, that I have started looking for bike tours in all the cities I visit.
Not all tours, however, meet the standards set by Fat Tire. And some ... well some are just bad. Case in point ... Vienna.
There is no Fat Tire bike tour here, so I made reservations with another company. And, because I purchased the afternoon bike tour, I was able to book a morning walking tour for just 3 Euro.
First the good news. On the morning walking tour I met some new friends from Iowa City.
You know when you meet new people ... everyone seems nice at first, but as you get to know them, you learn their flaws, and then you must determine whether or not those flaws will get in the way of the friendship?
The great thing about my new friends is that I did not have to figure out their flaws. Their fatal flaw ... the worst thing about them ... is obvious. THEY ARE HAWKEYE FANS. Nevertheless they are very nice and on an adventure of their own. I hope they comment on this
blog.
Our guide for the walking tour was a middle aged guy named Walter.
Walter ... to put it nicely ... was a hack., and by the end of the day, I came to believe he was delusional (more on that later).
The insights Walter gave us on his city can be summarized in five words ... "Vienna good, everywhere else bad."
But if pridefulness was his worst offense we do not have enough material for a blog, but trust me, we have enough material for a blog.
Walter seemed strangely pre-occupied by sex generally, and the female body specifically. His delight in pointing out nude (or even bosomy) women in paintings or statuary was roughly equivalent to what you would expect from a middle-school boy, and he went to great lengths to describe how lederhosen should be shortened and altered to accentuate a women's legs, bottom and breasts.
Further, in addition to the historic and cultural sites we visited, we were treated to a stop at a central city hotel that rents rooms by the hour, making it convenient for, and I quote, "businessmen and their secretaries."
But ladies ... you are
not alone. It turns our that Walter is an equal opportunity offender. Over the course of the day he made offensive and/or inappropriate remarks about Catholics, Jews, Russians, Americans, Turks, the singer Adele, homosexuals, and others.
Walter did try to provide insights and historical context to a number of sites, but we soon figured out that Walter has no use for western democracies generally, and the United States in particular.
This all came to a head when we visited the Austrian Parliament and Walter pointed out the balcony from which Hitler gave a rousing and historic speech in celebration of Austria's absorption into the Third Reich. Walter then pontificated on how evil leaders like Hitler and George W. Bush can trick their countries, and other countries into doing horrible things.
For a moment I was stunned, and then I turned to my Hawkeye friends and asked "did he just compare George W. Bush to Hitler?" They assured me that he had.
Now, I am pretty confident that regardless of our individual political beliefs and/or our personal feelings about Bush Administration policies in the wake of 9/11, we can all agree that a Hitler/Bush analogy is a
Royal Lippizzaner Stallions
This looks like a public building but its the home of the Royal Lippizzaner Stallions. little over the top. But the tour was almost over, so I let it go.
We had one last stop, the Cathedral in the historic central square. After a brief history of the church, Walter gleefully pointed out several penis(s) (how do you make penis plural? ... penisi?) and vaginas sculpted into the church. You cannot make this stuff up! Oh, and for the record, if someone had told me I would use the word vagina in my TravelBlog, I would have said they were out of their minds.
After the walking tour, I had about 90 minutes before the bike tour started, and I needed a beer. Luckily my Hawkeye friends are beer drinkers too. So we sat down, had a pint and speculated about how we could get the last couple hours of our lives back.
After recharging my batteries, I sent the Hawks on their way and wandered back to the bike shop for the bike tour.
Guess who is sitting on his cruiser, ready to lead us on our great adventure?
AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!
I should have asked for my money back then and there, but I didn't and off we went.
Tiled Roof
Instead of slate tile, mosaic tile was used on roof of Cathedral. The misogyny continued, but I was immune to it by now.
What was starting to bug me was Walter's love of and fascination with the Soviets. Actually, what was driving me crazy was Walter's misinformation about the Soviets.
Now, I am not a flag-pin wearing, FoxNews watching jingoist, and frankly I am not offended that Walter is a socialist, I just want him to get his facts right.
Walter shared stories about when he was a boy, and Vienna was occupied by the Red Army. He told us how good the Soviets were to Austria. The Soviets, he claimed, liberated Austria, provided supplies, and generally kept all their promises to the Austrians. All the while, the Americas were bombing the Hell out of Vienna, and then did not help Austria get back on its feet.
This ... as they say ... was the straw.
First, I pointed out that Austria was not liberated by anyone. Austria, as part of Greater Germany, was part of the Third Reich. It was invaded and occupied.
Second, because they started the war, and committed one or two atrocities along the way, perhaps, just perhaps, some pre-invastion bombing
was to be expected.
Finally, with respect to America "not helping," I asked "didn't Austria benefit from the Marshall Plan?" "Excuse me?," came the reply. "I am pretty sure Austria was part of the Marshall Plan."
Walter finally admitted, that perhaps Austria got some help via the Marshall Plan (I did not have the numbers at the time, but Wikipedia tells me that Austria received 648 Million 1948 dollars in direct aid as part of the Marshall Plan, only 6 countries received more).
But the day was young...
After a brief delay caused by Walter losing the chain on his bike, the repair of which a 7 year old can complete in under 20 seconds, but for some reason took Walter several minutes (OK ... I will admit to being a bit snarky here, but he ticked me off).
Toward the end of the day we visited some truly gigantic concrete fortifications used as anti-aircraft emplacements during the war. They are big, and ugly and not going anywhere ... too much concrete.
This installation gave Walter another opportunity to complain about the brutal American bombing of Vienna. This got him going again, boasting about
the Soviets. Its also where he veered into delusion. He started talking about how supportive the Soviets were to its Warsaw Pact allies. "Then why," I asked "did all the former Warsaw Pact countries join NATO and the EU? If the Soviets (now the Russians) were so benevolent, why not stay in the alliance? Why ally yourselves economically and militarily with the other side?"
I don't think he likes me very much.
Anyway, it was a frustrating day.
A couple of things I wanted to note.
We did visit a world famous pastry kitchen called Demel (others on the tour were familiar with it ... I personally was not). We saw some absolutely crazy cakes and pastry made by Demel chefs (see the photos).
At the end of the day (after my IPhone battery was dead) we visited a historic amusement park near the river called "Prater." Prater is about the size of Great America. I believe the park itself is owned by Vienna, so you can ride your bikes right through. At the center of the park, they have this giant swing. This is like the "Swinger" you went on as a kid. you
sit in a swing, they bring a little bar down over your lap and off you go. Only this Swinger goes up 300 feet. I was talking to another American on the bike tour and we both agreed, "not in a million years." No photos but check out this YouTube video, its crazy ...
More from Vienna tomorrow.
JJF
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Sue
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V's & P's
So, this has become an x-rated blog? Thanks for tipping me off to Fat Tire Tours - it was a highlight of my trip to Paris (my one and only trip to Europe). I can't believe you didn't do the giant swing??? A man who does double black diamonds is afraid of a tame swing?