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Published: December 21st 2008
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On Duty
They said don't come to work hungover, they didn't say i couldn't come drunk Vienna
First of all I must give Austria its cake and let it eat it. Austria has the best non-American given name of the whole European collection. Take your pick of the lot, Lisboa, Espana, Duestchland, they’re all pretty weak, but Austria is the strong arm of European titles with, Ostereich. I have no fucking clue what it means, but it sounds like some sort of vicious predator bird that eats small human babies.
Vienna is one of the birth places of classical music, especially the Waltz and Mozart is it’s king claim to fame. Everything is Mozart here. Mozart cafes, Mozart buses, Mozart art, Mozart music, Mozart lunchboxes and Mozart the flame thrower, the kids love that one. The only other dead person I’ve seen with his face on more shit is Dale Earnhardt, Elvis and John Lennon. I feel bad for famous people whose families hock their image, unlike Pete Townsend and Gene Simmons who would sell their face or songs for commercials to a company that manufactures and sells HIV and cancer. Mozart’s legacy here is the Mozart clock and the Mozart TV dinner tray. He used to love eating while watching TV you know?
I’ve become increasingly amazed at the rudeness of people here. I don’t think that they’re all assholes, they just really have little regard for anyone else. A big thing that is irritating is that people don’t open doors for each other. Another thing that drives me crazy is that I have always been under the belief that you let the people coming out of a building or train out first and then you go in. Not in Europe. People actually block the doorways of trains, not allowing people off and then try to shove their way past them. I have yet to encounter a situation where this wasn’t the case except in Portugal and Ireland. It’s not that these people are all in a hurry, they’re just out and out rude. We were trying to get off the bus today and this fat girl literally went barreling through me and pancaked me against my seat. I assumed she was in a hurry, but there she was standing outside waiting on her friends and when they all met up they just strolled away. I don’t know who did it, but someone spit on her jacket, just narrowly missing her nappy head.
If I’ve learned two things in Europe that I could share as tips, here they are. First, places that serve coffee are also places that have the longest lines. I don’t care if they are serving warm, salted soft pretzels covered in cheese and ham for breakfast, it’s not worth it. If they’re serving coffee, it’s a guaranteed 10-15 minute wait in line and they don’t serve the next person until the person they’re serving is done, which I kind of like. My second tip is raid the hostels. Even if you aren’t staying at a hostel, rape the first one for all it’s free maps, postcards, internet and knowledge. Most of the time there’s a foreign kid sitting behind the counter that doesn’t care if you’re stealing from his place of employment. He’s just there waiting for summer to roll around so he can start nailing all the horny backpackers that come drunkenly strolling in. Which is a pretty gangster like gig. Good for him.
I’m sure I’m going to get some Vienna asshole writing me telling me that my take on Vienna is wrong, but when you post public blogs, it’s bound to happen, so I
might as well just go for the throat on this one. I think Vienna has a heroin problem. Tara and I observed a lot of people with no veins, track marks and at ton of people that look like they are sailing off into the most magical and interesting fantasy land. Chris Ganz calls it time traveling. At first I thought it was just drunk people, but then you notice the marks, the time of day you see these people (all day and all night) and the level of high they are on has to be amazing, by the looks of it. The good thing about heroin users is that they are virtually harmless when high. They just kind of stumble around like zombies and riding a wave of happiness, so even riding the train is fun for them, so long as their high.
The mass highlight of Vienna was the classical music concert we went to. We had good seats and despite the gaggle of pimply faced 14 year old Italian girls sitting behind us, the concert was simply amazing. It was no blue octopus head “Fifth Element,” good, but it was damn close. The most interesting parts
were the mixture of ballet, opera, and music all together. It was also interesting to hear classical songs you know and see each individual instrument as it hits a unique note, with both your eyes and your ears. The conductor, who also played the violin, was hilarious, spoke numerous languages and somehow managed to get the crowd involved with a few of the songs. He was worth the admission price alone. Even running into Americans from Texas didn’t ruin my mood after the show. It was simply amazing.
Stinky Man
And finally I will end on a bad note. We were treated to spending about an hour last night listening to this guy from Dubai convince everyone of how rich he is, how much pussy he gets, and how they should all go hit up the bars so they can get laid and get pizza. This guy stunk so bad, i went to the room and got tara's perfume and made a happy smelling force field of perfume around us. To the wing tip, penny loafer, tight jeans, stinky man from Dubai, who stayed at the Ruthenstiener hostel, that stole my fucking umbrella. Fuck you. Fuck your seed,
Salt and Beer
If i had a denver broncos hat on i'd be in heaven. fuck your current mother and father, eat a dick. I know you took it, you know you took, karma will get you. Choke on a fist full of dicks stinky man. If I see you in Budapest or Italy, I’m going to kill you. While I’m at it, fuck karma. In Prague we had the opportunity to steal a power converter, we didn’t. The next day, I dropped and lost ours. Then a few days later a waiter brought us back change and he gave us too much, so I brought the money back to him so he wasn’t screwed at the end of the day. Lately we’ve been getting ripped off for change from everyone. Karma is a lying joke. From now on I’m on a tear through Europe. Daddy’s coming home in a month and he’s bringing everyone free shit he stole. If it ain’t bolted down, I’m stealing it.
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Ganz
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The last sentence of this entry is the smartest thing you've said in a long time...