Prudes, nudes and crudes

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I started off the day with some exercise, trying to remove the effects of the umpteen dirty bananas I drank last night. With the failed attempt at running yesterday, I decided a swim would be much more fitting. After walking down to the bridge, I jumped off and swam up the length of the water towards the pool, back to the low platform and then back to the pool again where I wrapped up my exercise. All-in-all, it took less than 15 minutes but that was plenty of swim work for me for now.

I got cleaned up and joined some others at the pool. This morning was cloudier than the past couple days but the heat was still present. I took out my book and read for a while. Some of the older men were joking around in the water about the groomsmen who Jeff took out on a deep sea fishing trip. We were all expecting a 50+ foot fishing boat so when they passed us on a 15 foot glass bottom boat, jokes and laughter ensued. I hope he didn’t pay more than fifty bucks for that thing. Maybe they’re going out to the canyon. The birds are following them; I hope they don’t get eaten. If they catch a Marlin that thing might pull them around the ocean. On and on. Humor was everywhere.

Once this slowed, Julia and I gathered with a group to go for a swim and explore some of the nearby caves. After a jump off the bridge I joined them over near the small platform. From there we swam out towards a smaller cave within the confines of the Rockhouse property.

We had noticed a couple catamarans just outside the ropes which had escorted people to the area for snorkeling and swimming into the caves. As we swam towards the small cave I looked up and gasped. An enormously fat woman had her back to us and appeared to be wearing a g-string. Nope. When she turned around she was naked. I warned the rest of our group, although trying to look away was like watching a car wreck - you just can’t avoid watching.

It appeared that the boats were from Hedonism, one of the resorts a few miles away. Hedonism, as the name suggests, is a resort devoted to an anything goes attitude. Although, interestingly, I had heard that the resort is divided in two; nudes and prudes. The one boat, full of the revolting, comprised the nudes and the other the prudes. Like my Venice and Ios experiences, this just serves as another example why a nude beach or resort is not all it’s cracked up to be. While I remembered my description of beachware as “…one of society’s strange customs”, I’m reminded that as silly as it is in concept it truly is in everyone’s best interest.

We made it over to the smaller cave where, inside, we were able to stand on some sand beneath the water. I made my way up above the water onto some rock as the others spotted a bat. The bat flew around inside the cave, forcing us out a minute or two later.

We then swam up under the rope to another cave, just outside the Rockhouse’s confines. One of the guys mentioned that this was the cave used in Thunderball, one of the Sean Connery James Bond films. Having seen that movie many times, it didn’t look familiar. I later found out that the actual cave scenes were filmed in the Bahamas but the cliffs and caves were used as backdrops in the movie.

Julia and I slowly swam back up to the pool area, where I ordered a chicken sandwich and a dirty banana. While I was waiting for my food, our fishermen returned from their great expedition. No one caught a thing. No one got sick, either, but Randy was close. As the fishermen recapped their day, we all drank drunken coconuts. These were drinks served inside a coconut shell, consisting of coconut rum, regular rum and the coconut’s milk. Most agreed that they were all for show and not big on taste, even for people like me that love coconut. Around 3:00 we were booted from the pool so the workers could set up for the wedding tonight.

I went back, showered and changed into my khakis, blue button down and thongs and headed back to the pool. Most of the others were already there, congregating near the seating and around the pool while watching the sun reflect off the clouds above the pool to the left of the congregation. We took our seats and the processional began.

The large wedding party entered with six bridesmaids and seven groomsmen. The flower girl, Jeff’s niece, was asleep a few rows in front of me, so Ed, who didn’t have a bridesmaid to escort, gallantly took on the task. Naturally this drew some laughter from the crowd and some jokes, the funniest courtesy of Jack, who proclaimed “So this is how you decided to come out of the closet.” But Ed handled it all really well and did the job as best as he could under the circumstances.

Meanwhile, the photographer caught pictures at every possible angle. “Ace”, as Strohman referred to him - based on Dan Marino’s quote at the end of the movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, “You’re a weird guy, Ace” - was on the rocks one moment, then by the groomsmen, in the aisle approaching, behind, lying in the prone position like a sniper… anything to get a shot.

The wedding was brief without much fanfare. Before we knew it Jeff had kissed the bride and the new Mr. and Mrs. Bashore exited through the crowd.

Just after the ceremony it lightly rained for a moment or two, giving them the proverbial good luck in marriage. Shortly thereafter we looked off to the west and caught a partial sunset, with the only obstruction being a few clouds.

Soon thereafter Jack took the mic and introduced the wedding party. Jack has been a riot all weekend and it’s no wonder why he was chosen to be the MC. He’s one of those loud guys that could probably border on obnoxious at times but he pulls it out well. He’s not inconsistent with his behavior at all and he comes across as very authentic. He threw in some funny one-liners for effect.

The buffet opened up and we made our way to the grub. I was in line behind Julia who, when she saw one of the salad dishes, asked the server “Is this taco salad?” “No mon, that’s goat cheese salad”. “We’re in Jamaica, not Mexico,” I interjected. She was harassed throughout the evening for that ridiculous question. She took it well.

Along with the taco salad, the spread included rolls, house salad, fried plantains, something like collared greens with cheese, rice and beans, some sort of beef, fried snapper, jerk chicken and another chicken dish. Red Stripe and wine accompanied the meal.

For the toasts, which followed the brevity of the ceremony, we had some champagne. I had enough to be social and gave the rest to Julia, who I found out is a champagne fiend. Throughout the early evening, she went around commandeering as much leftover champagne as she could find.

As the dance floor opened up, guests (mostly women) flowed towards it as I hung out with the Strohmans and Ed. Eventually we made our way up for obligatory dancing but mostly drank Red Stripes along the wall behind the DJ setup. Julia was everywhere searching for champagne and dancing, with an occasional trip over to say hi to us and take abuse from me.

We finally took in enough liquid courage and made our way to the dance floor. After several more trips to the bar for Red Stripes, we reached the point where things teetered on out-of-hand. It started when after one trip back from the bar a number of the groomsmen were in the pool; some with their wedding clothes on and others in nothing but boxers. Strohman eventually joined them. As did Mel, the bride. Julia walked back wrapped in a towel.

“I thought you said that dress was dry clean only.”

“Yeah, it’s over there.”

“Then what’s underneath that?”

“Underwear.”

Not to be outdone, yet not venturing in the pool in my pants or underwear (since I was commando), I decided in my lucid state to dance provocatively for Strohman’s wife. With my shirt off and wrapped around her neck. Strohman found this as funny as I did.

Shirts back on, we went back to the bar for more Red Stripes. Cause that’s just what we needed. The only problem was they were gone! We drank them completely out of beer. They had to go buy more. I was not about to switch to something else. Strohman, however, had different plans.

“I’ll take something with rum in it. A rum and coke.”

“No, mon. No more Coke.”

“Okay then. I’ll have a… I’ll have a rum and… uh… rum!”

Back on the dance floor the DJ soon wrapped up. Strohman took down most of his rum and rum then had the thought, “what are we doing after this?” Back to the bar.

When we got there the gents started calling us “Red Stripe.” Yes, we reached the point well beyond where a bartender remembers a drink of choice. Even beyond a little ribbing. The bartender called over all his buddies to collectively see what was next.

Me: “Did you get that beer in yet?”

Bartender: “Yeahmon.”

Strohman: “How much you got? We wanna buy some off you to take back to the rooms. How about two, no three cases?”

Bartender: “Three cases mon?”

Strohman: “Yeah.” Looking at me, “Do you think that will be enough.”

Me: “That should be plenty.”

Strohman: “What’s that gonna run us?”

They all congregated together for a minute or two to figure this out.

Strohman: “I think they’re doing Jamaican math.”

Me: “Yeah break out the abacus.”

Bartender: “$282”

Strohman: “Okay. Can you bring it to room 17?”

Bartender: “Yeahmon.”

I made the announcement as Strohman finalized the payment.

Back at his place, after many of us changed, Strohman continued to be his usual jolly self. The beer arrived and after we took care of everyone, he proceeded to harass Ed, who was sitting on one of the Adirondack chairs. Climbing on top of the chair’s legs, he stuck his crotch behind Ed’s head and danced around. Someone shouted “Teabag!” He took the not so subtle hint and tried to maneuver around the front. Ed was mortified and shot up. Strohman leaned a little left taking the chair with him. As big and drunk as he was, he countered with a shift in weight to the right but came crashing down, striking his right side harshly on the arm rest. He got up okay. After I stopped giggling like a schoolgirl I threw out a Tommy Boy quote. “He’s a big dumb animal.” He liked this.

At least from my perspective, the party had now reached its peak. I grew tired quickly and headed off to bed, while many others stayed.

It was one helluva night. As much as shenanigans went on, I think the event went over well. In any event, I’m extremely grateful for our hosts to throw such a dinner and bring us together for memories that will last a lifetime.

Tomorrow is our last day in Jamaica.

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Photos

Crew
Me, Ed, Mark, Jeff and Cesar show off our drunken coconuts.

[/i]Pool
The sun reflects off the clouds behind the pool before the start of the wedding.[i]

Fishing boat
A boat similar to the one our fishermen took out this afternoon. One of the locals surfed on the top of this one.

Strohman
Strohman escorts one of the bridesmaids. I was convinced that the bridesmaid would have to walk him in Weekend at Bernies style.

Bridal Party
Everyone waiting for the bride.

Here comes the bride
Mel is escorted by her father down a long path to the ceremony.

Rings
The exchanging of the rings.

Kiss the bride
The kiss, round 2. No one got pictures of the first one. Except Ace.

Exiting
Jeff and Mel on their way out.

Sunset
We were treated to a beautiful sunset after the wedding.