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'Let your superior Spanish skills guide your way... then hopefully you'll accidentally make it to Toronto instead!'
S. Lapham, 2011
I was openly dreading the journey from Tulum, Mexico, to Caye Caulker, Belize. That being said, the journey ran a lot smoother than expected though, I should hasten to add, not without hiccup.
My proposed route was as follows: three hour bus ride from Tulum to the boarder town of Chetumal. Then another two to three hours to horrid Belize City (baaaad rep for just being dreadful). Then a boat to Caye Caulker ('Caye' is pronounced 'key' and means island, apparently). A journey which, whilst sounding both long and annoying, I needn't really have feared. Upon arriving at Chetumal, I used my enhanced elven eyes to spot a man at a stall selling tickets which could be redeemed for transportation to Belize. To my delight, the chap was selling boat tickets to Caye Caulker and it's slutty big sister, San Pedro which would mean missing out Belize City altogether. All I would need was to get a cab from the bus station to the nearby port. Elated, I felt bold enough to kill some time on the internet and
stopped at a small kiosk. I was musing at how great and organised I was when I realised I'd left my rucksack on the coach. I ran like Linda Kozlowski at the end of 'Crocodile Dundee' back to where the coach was happily still stationery. I waved my hands in the air, at the security guard. It reminded me a bit of when Linda Kozlowski waves to Mick Dundee across Grand Central at the end of 'Crocodile Dundee 'only less romantic and the security man was standing directly in front on me. He gave me sly look and began asking my about my bag. He had a particular interested in the colour. 'Blue!' I blurted, feeling my innards turn to jelly. Luckily, he had it out back and I only had to suffer the other security guards laughing at me due to the fact that my knight in shining armour felt obliged to blow a raspberry at me as I trotted off, bag on back. Relieved, I sat down and had a read ('A Clash of Kings' by George R. R. Martin - the second book of four in the 'Song of Fire and Ice' series and superb with it.
Think a massive scale 'Deadwood' in a medieval setting... lots of humanly amoral characters' dastardly deeds being swept away by even more wickedly venomous characters entering the fray. The first has just been HBO'd as 'A Game of Thrones' which sounds marvellous). It was a while before I had to be at the port but was bored so decided to strike out half and hour early.
I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the cab driver shouted 'Vamos!' which was inticing to meh. If anything I'd say that this cab was rare but then I saw many like it and that impression completely evaporated to be honest. 'Puerto!' I screamed at him as I jumped in the passenger seat like a G. He stepped on it something chronic and I became, again very pleased with myself. Then it became apparent that he was taking me to the airport. 'Airpuerto' he thought I'd said and, in all fairness, 'puerto' was completely wrong anyway. I had to retrieve the boat ticket ('boleta'😉 in order to resolve the issue but I was still there well in time.
The boat ride wasn't brilliant but it only took a couple
of hours to get to Caye Caulker via horrible San Pedro. I had booked in to a place which was run by a cheerful old couple who were cheerfully ripping me off. I got up at the crack of dawn and found much cheaper lodgings which was a good move.
Caye Caulker ticks all the boxes of how a small Caribbean island should function. Lots of dishes jerked. Many inhabitants named things like Dexter and Horace (and Felix) who will smile and mumble amiably at passers by in Creole. A man who seems to think I'm in self catering establishment has taken an interest in my spice rack and keeps offering me herbs which is nice of him. He refers to me as 'Crazy Man' though I know not why. Scenery-wise, the place is picture perfect. The sunsets are suitably impressive but unfortunately there's a bar where everyone gathers to watch sunset. It can get rowdy and it blares out boring reggae which is one of my all time pet peeves when it comes to beach/island holidays. I suppose this place has more of an excuse given that it is a Caribbean island ('CARibbEan' not 'caRIBBean', please), Asia had
no excuse, let it be known.
My first day was a solitary one though not unproductive. I planned the next part of my trip: getting a plane to the nearby island of Placencia. I have since changed my mind but more about that in a moment. I drifted around the island, reading a lot and having a couple of good naps. In the evening I went to the nearby drinking hole and eatery called Bambooze. There I propped up the bar making idle chat with other people propping up the bar. It was a bit like being in a Caribbean episode of 'Cheers'.
I arranged a very expensive diving trip to the famous Big Blue Hole which is a sunken cave. The trip had two other dives following and a short stop on the stiunning Half Moon Caya which had a booby bird reserve. I must say, I've never had amazing luck with these diving boat trips (my best dives have been within a few miles of shore) and unfortunately it was a tad mediocre. The Blue Hole lasted a mere 25 minutes because we were going down 40 metres. This didn't ring true because Marco had taken
us on 40 minutes dives with a maximum depth of 47 metres. Whatever... there were too many of us and the subsequent reef dives were so so... the reef was half dead and there weren't many fish. I spent the dives cataloging reasons why the Philippines was superior when it came to such things.
My change of plans came because I couldn't get booked in to the hostel on Placencia until the 5th May which would mean hanging around on Caye Caulker for ages. The trip alone would also cost in excess of 100 quid. I decided to cut my losses and leave Belize a bit earlier. I'm not wholly taken with the place though I can't put my finger on it. Certainly the diving isn't as amazing as I'd been led to believe (people need to go to Philippines... Apo Island, Dumaguete, Puerto Galera are all amazing and much better and CHEAPER!). Perhaps the culture feels a little bit off kilter in that Belize is surrounded my Spanish speaking countries. Who knows, but it's not for me and I am cheerfully rebooking my coach to Guatamala on the 3rd. Such are the joys of travelling on one's Jones...
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