Dear Freddie - The local terrorist group 'Black Hands of Stretch' are responsible for this atrosity. Harold is obviously a member. He sounds like an evil man who is best avoided in the future (he has nice shoes though!!). Freddie you are free again and I eagerly await your next instalment. I believe you are on your way to Carlow. I'm glad to hear that you are 'seeing the world', but you know the world is bigger than the 62 counties of Ireland... live a little.... jump on the boat and head over to Dalkey Island, or even, God forbid, the Isle of Man. Keep in touch Freddie. With love from the person who no longer loves you.
Oh Freddie there is no easy way to say this.... my loving arms won't fit around you. And they're not loving. But I don't want you dying on your own, so I'm lending you my inflatable pig. I think you will find him particularly comforting, and you can pretend that you're gay... just for the death scene. Once that's over you can revert to being straight... oh sorry... you'll be dead ! But Freddie our relationship has been an education as far as I'm concerned. You can die knowing that you made a difference to somebody's life... where that person is, I don't know, but I'm sure your sausages and rashers will fill a few hungry stomachs once you pop your clogs, and that will make a difference, won't it? Goodbye Freddie, forever.
I feel sick Hey Ruthie
It's Freddie here. I am not feeling too good. I spent a few nights rolling around in the muck with some slutty sows. I had great fun but I think I caught something. I went to the Vet yesterday and at first he thought it was swine syphilis but it turns out I have swine flu. I feel so ill and I don't knwwo if I will make it through.
In my last days on this earth I would like nothing more that your loving arms around me. I would take comfort in that more so than the care I am receiving at the moment. They are taking strips off me, literally. I am not the pig I used to be. Please save my bacon before I am pickled.
Please respond to this mail to show you care. My pignappers said they will give you further details then.
I don't think there is a cure for me here - that I like anyway. I tried doing the whole smoked bacon thing but ended up extremly sick and paranoid. Please mama, while there is blood running through my veins - save me - save my bacon . . . . . Poorly pig on the brink of extinction.
Relief Dear Freddie (Notorious Pig) - I'm so pleased to see you made it to Oxegen, and that somehow you weren't trampled on by other people's trotters. But I'm certainly not pleased to see you've been drinking cocktails again. That ten step AA program wasn't just a joke you know. There's little point making rash(er) promises and not sticking to them. Continue on that road and there'll be no one left to bring home the bacon.... But on to other matters. I need to let you know that I've replaced you in my life. You are now surplus to requirements. I'm happy as a pig in muck with my new pet.... a cock. I'll send you a photo of the little darling in the near future. In the meantime, happy travelling, and don't forget to send me an update every now and again.
Come back Freddie
Oh Freddie where are you?? My heart is broken.... I've searched high and low, even checked a few bus-stops. I've been into every butchers. But you're nowhere to be found. Have you been eaten by a big bad wolf? Oh Freddie do you have to go to Oxegen? I don't like the thought of your washing machine tummy, the full mooned parties and the imaginary company of beautiful pigs. Come back to me and you can have a pig for real....!! And I will help you find yourself. You know for a fact that I have a Certificate in Counselling with Maynooth University, and a Certificate in Applied Theology with University College Wales, where I excelled in pastoral care. I can care for you Freddie - in a very special way. I'll tickle your back with a stick. Oh Freddie I'm getting so stressed without you to squeeze - have I failed you?? Tell me and I'll change. Am I too demanding? Too boring? Too chatty? Too thoughtless by eating sausage rolls in front of you? My blood pressure is rising Freddie - I need you like the sunshine needs the rain you know I need you...
anonymous
non-member comment
Dear Freddie - The local terrorist group 'Black Hands of Stretch' are responsible for this atrosity. Harold is obviously a member. He sounds like an evil man who is best avoided in the future (he has nice shoes though!!). Freddie you are free again and I eagerly await your next instalment. I believe you are on your way to Carlow. I'm glad to hear that you are 'seeing the world', but you know the world is bigger than the 62 counties of Ireland... live a little.... jump on the boat and head over to Dalkey Island, or even, God forbid, the Isle of Man. Keep in touch Freddie. With love from the person who no longer loves you.