If I were a book

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If I were a book...
I'd be not too long - short, if you will - maybe 200 or 300 pages, with a quirky title that has absolutely nothing to do with the contents, like "Don't mess with the swallows", or something. But better.
And the book would be delightfully random, and when you get to the end, you will say, "what on earth was THAT about?", but in a good way. Only, some people will hate it with such a passion that they gives themselves a hernia. But the critics will LOVE it.
And it will be sold in upmarket independent book shops, and it will keep them afloat through the Internet age. Whenever people come into the book shop, the half-Algerian, half red Indian owner, who wears enormous but awesome glasses, he will recommend the book, describing me as "mind-boggling" and "life-putting-in-perspective-y" and possibly also "froody".
And the book that is me may or may not be about a homicidal lamppost.

And Mike thinks that if he were a book, he'd be really really long - 1000 pages - and he'd be an academic tome (he insisted upon this even when I said he had to be a work of fiction). He would be a historic epic, like the tale of King Arthur or Beowulf, and he'd be the absolute last word on the subject. He thinks (incorrectly!) that he won't be banned in the Middle East, and as such will be found in the University of Cairo.

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