The South East Asian Championships

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Welcome to the first round of the South East Asian Championships and a what is unlikely to ever be repeated pointless exercise in time wasting. Here the teams (emm almost) face off against each other in a range of disciplines in a desperate attempt to be crown SEA Champions 2008 (Our competition, our name, our rules - tongue stuck out in dignified yet defiant gesture)

Round 1 - Noodle Time

Classic SEA starter where teams will be judged on the quality texture and eatability of their relevant noodle based products. Favourite - Vietnam, Outsider - Thailand (not really a noodle place)

The rank outsider Thailand kicks things off with some solid performance - if not so solid noodles. Some deserve praise, but for the most part distinctly average - 6. Lao promptly crushes the Thai with the sheer weight of each portion, however, serving super noodles is a big no no and the judges punish accordingly - 5. Vietnam stubbles off the starting blocks with an effort so heavy that you can't pick the bloody things up, but quickly recovers and delivers the killer blow with the sublime Cao Lau (canny mind the speelling). Anywhere that only allows the water from one well to create a truly unique food deserves high praise - 8, Good Show. Cambodia just fails to get going and despite some fairly good attempts repeated use of super noodles means it pulls up short - 4.

Winner - Vietnam
2nd - Thailand
3rd - Laos
4th - Cambodia

Round 2 - Buddha

The wee man gets around and in the home of Buddhism just who takes the biscuit. Favourite - Thailand, Dark Horse - Laos

Centuries of war and destruction combined with Chinese influence mean that Vietnam, despite size and population advantage doesn't really impress in this field. Lack of sculptures and saffron clad monks means that one isn't really left with any warm and fuzzy feelings and attaining enlightenment looks decidedly dodgy - 4. Thailand, home to the Emerald Buddha and the Golden Reclining Buddha of Bangkok certainly provides the glitz and glamour of the field, but there are times you feel it's more for tourists than the general public. Most Thais seem worship at the alter of the almighty (ish) dollar and Buddha is struggling - 7. Cambodians have only recently been allowed to once again embrace their religion after a long period of darkness and boy are they loving it. New Wats are springing up as quickly as badly placed electricity pylons and Cambodians are flocking - 7. But the outright winner has to be Laos. From the outset at 6 am evey morning when the faithful can be found queuing to donate their food through to the water pistol carrying monks who celerbrate new year with glee Buddhism is a way of life. Laos even seem to spend what little money they have on new images and restoring old ones. Just being there makes one feel spiritual - 9.

Winner - Laos
2nd Thailand & Cambodia
4th - Vietnam

Round 3 - Standards of Driving

This one's a doozy. After the chaos and carnage of Indian roads, the Asian's were always going to seem sedate - short of setting their cars on fire and chasing us down the pavement. However, that is not to say that they can drive. Actually that should be drive well, they can all drive from the age of 8! Favourite - Thailand, Rank Outsider - Vietnam. (Teams scored on ability to drive without trying to kill us)

Thailand kicks things off with the aforementioned 8 year olds driving high powered motorbikes with siblings in tow and choosing to wave at us rather than oh i don't know LOOK AT THE ROAD. However, we saw no crashes an at no time felt our lives were in danger, a distinctly healthy - 8. Laos oesn't really have enough cars on the road to judge too harshly, although the bloke who jumped off his scooter and let his girlfriend on the front crash into a wall really lowered the score - 6. Vietnam is a strange one. There are more motorbikes in Hanoi than people and crossing the road seems to be akin to assisted suicide, 'you first' , 'no you - I insist'. Once again though sheer blind faith rules the day and as one steps into the road the death machines seem to part like the Red Sea leaving poor backpacker slowly edging across ready for the inevitable soaking. In fact this method is so trusted you can use it anywhere, even with your eyes closed - 7 (Judges rule, however, that seeing as an errant motorcycle had a slight emmm ... bump with nic that Vietnam is docked points for the 'sore finger and bruised toe' received) - finally score 4 (harsh but fair, he was an idiot). Cambodia, unfortunately hasn't had many transportation options until recently although they inform us that now they have learned where the accelerator is they will soon move on to the brake! This lot are truely nuts, happily zooming up and down pavements the wrong way, completely ignoring red lights at junctions (almost very nasty) and generally not caring if they live or die in a blaze of glory/mess on the wall - 3

Winner - Thailand
2nd - Laos
3rd - Vietnam (due to minor accident from which nic is perfectly ok - she claims scar, judges rule ... freckle)
4th - Cambodia

Round 4 - Availability of a Good Coffee

Ok not quite a classic of the SEA Championships. We were going to include Badminton, but felt this was more pressing. Favourite - Thailand, Dark Horse - Vietnam

Cambodia surprised the judges with a plethora of options across the country an would receive top marks if it were not for the fact that you could get 2-3 fruit smoothies for the price of one cup of the black stuff and they didn't come loaded with condensed milk - 8. Laos, once again a mixed bag didn't help their cause. Fantastic one minute, poor the next - 6. Thailand also didn't disappoint and supplied some of the best stuff of the trip so far (It should be noted that when you stay in a hotel that flies in their own beans from Italy you should expect the best) - 9. Vietnam, Vietnam, Vietnam it could have been so good. Cheapest of the pack, available everywhere and a French background. So the question has to be what the hell are you serving. It's like rocket fuel. Liquid caffeine that burns on the way down, this is what an espresso has when it's feeling low. Add to that the obligatory condensed milk and you have a medicinal taste even George would be terrified of ... (I'm addicted) - 5

Winner - Thailand (thanks to the Oriental)
2nd - Cambodia
3rd - Laos
4th - Vietnam

Round 5 - Name that Gecko

The lovely little lizard that inhabit this part of the world are our choice for the next hotly contested round. Just how 'wild' is the life in SEA? Favourite - Cambodia, Dark Horse - Laos

Laos, site of our little jungle adventure, was bound to score high in this round with confirmed sightings of Gibbons, Giant Squirrels, Ants, Bees, Buppies, Beetles and of course Gecko after Gecko after Gecko - 9. Thailand's development and the Orientals sealed windows meant that room wildlife spotting was kept to a minimum (just one Gecko) - 5. Vietnam had a 'bloody huge' cockroach (nic) and once off the beaten path snakes, beetles, dragonflies and numerous geckos - 8. Cambodia is home to the highest concentration of snakes in the world and just as we thought our luck had run out one literally 'fell' in our laps. Halfway around an amazing Angkor Wat a large splat drew us towards a window view of a 2 foot snake looking dazed and confused after stupidly leaping from the roof. After a few minutes (seconds) staring at us, and the other cameras on legs that flocked towards the possibly deadly and definitely pissed off animal, it slithered away into the bowels of the temple, kind of cool - 10

Winner - Cambodia
2nd - Laos
3rd - Vietnam
4th - Thailand

Round 6 - Wobbly Pops of Choice

A vitally important round in this hotly, so very hot, fought contest. Internationally renowned Thailand goes in favourite with Tiger ... rarha and Vietnam looking like a no hoper.

A solid start from Thailand with some local favourites (Tiger), but the addition of a German Beer Festival really raises the bar ... dudum tshh - 8. Vietnam's more scatter shot approach of quantity (Hanoi, 333, Red Saigon, Green Saigon, Hue etc.) rather than quality really started to give us a headache in judging this round, however, the late appearance of some pretty special 'homebrew' at 10p a glass left us giddy - 8. Cambodia unfortunately did not continue this fine trend and was the unfortunate victim of its own success. Angkor beer just isn't that good and every foreign import/local copy isn't worth the price tag they give it - 6.
Across the Mekong however, Beer Lao isn't just the national drink, it appears to be the new name for the country. It's everywhere and anywhere they can get away with. Maybe it's the fact this Communist Utopia only allows one beer or maybe it's just so good the rest know not to mess with Beer Lao. It might be only 50p for 'big bottle' but this stuff can be enjoyed at any time of day (6am for some locals) and with a new export strength on the horizon things look bright for Champion (of what we're not sure) Beer Lao - 9

Winner - Lao
2nd - Thailand & Vietnam
4th - Cambodia

Round 7 - The Going Rate for a Pee

Ok Ladies and Gents it's the big one. Last but not least, especially after the wobbly pops, comes nics favourite round. A source of much discussion, nae indepth debate and deliberation, the final round in this the inaugural SEA Championships is 'The Going Rate for a Pee'. Favourite - Thailand (shopping malls galore), Rank Outsider - Cambodia (side of street peeing ... again)

Laos starts of this round and without a public loo in sight things are looking shaky. However, free cafe toilets are omnipresent and one or two bus station conveniences make up or it at 1,000 kip that's about 8p - 7. Cambodia once again is a bit rough and ready with frequent roadside stops and not a lot of coverage for privacy. In fact public loos aren't to be found, except at major tourist temples and cafes don't always come equipped. If you have to pay it can be 2,000 riel or 25p - 5. Thailand as expected comes well equipped with surprisingly clean shopping mall facilities and the price tag to match. In fact you're unlikely to ever avoid having to cough up although it's usually only 2 baht, 4p, for the pleasure so you can afford to splash out - 8. Vietnam also has it's eclectic mix of cafes, shopping malls and em ... 'behind the bus station' opportunities. However, a shout out has to go to the lovely travel agent who opened his doors so we could open our ... oh now that's quite enough - 9

Winner - Vietnam
2nd - Thailand
3rd - Laos
4th - Cambodia


Ok now at 3 points for a win, 2 for second and 1 for third the inaugural South East Asian Championships results are as follows


Winner - Thailand 14 pts
2nd - Laos 13 pts
3rd - Vietnam 10 pts
4th - Cambodia 7pts

So there you have it, a hard fought contest with some close calls. At one point Malaysia almost made it in there but that's for later. All we have left to say is congrats to Thailand, but we wanted Laos to win!

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