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a tale of two cities
in vientiane - "tuk tuk, sir?"
in hanoi - "hey you! moto!" from: North Devon Consulate, Duong*Au Co 126 Ngo** 22 Hem*** 41 House with no number
00 84 1657417470
devoncalling@hotmail.com To: the hundreds of students who “do” Vietnam in their gap year
And the hundreds of unemployed graduates who suddenly know how to teach languages
Having read an updated article preparing businessmen for a trip to Vietnam , I felt it incumbent upon me to start a more reliable guide. According to the aforementioned article, the respectable married women in my office are probably hookers as they tend to wear the short skirts which are the current fashion.
*Duong = busy road where women with conical hats and bamboo poles may occasionally look before crossing and only a few motorcycles are going against the traffic while reading text messages
** Ngo = alley where big Toyota cars cannot maneuver but if you can afford one then you have to show everyone that you are successful
*** Hem = even smaller alleyway where the majority of Hanoi residents live, shout and ride their motorcycles [not
all in the same alleyway, I hope you understood that!] There is also “Ngach” which is an alleyway off the “Hem***” which is off the “Ngo**” which is off the “Pho” which is off the “Duong” ***. I am sure you have all that clearly understood. Good. Let us continue…..
VIETNAMESE EDUCATION
Following various articles and broadcasts regarding the academic achievements of Asian students, I would like to add this modifier:
PRESTIGIOUS ‘MODERN’ SCHOOL 2013 ENGLISH TOPIC: NUTRITION
Foreign teacher: there is a new report that processed meat greatly increases the chance of developing cancer
Vietnamese teacher: it isn't in the exam
PERSONAL SPACE
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not often is there a space in Vietnam – try riding a bicycle in Hanoi if you doubt me
FOOD AND DRINK
Cost of living
On a recent break in UK I couldn’t help wondering why we pay three times more for an inferior coffee and don’t get a serviette and after parting
with a hefty sum in a restaurant, go home with some of the meal still in our teeth.
Vegetarians
According to the backpackers’ bible, Vietnam is a Buddhist country and vegetarian food is readily available. When I was in Saigon I had go to the backpacker-zone to get any choice of vegetarian food. Maybe that was as far as the Planet authors made it on their visit and the two rival “Bodhi Tree” restaurants in the same alleyway could fool people into believing the first half of that erroneous claim.
Slurping
1999. My first evening in Hanoi I went for my xau rau . I was twisting the noodles from fork to spoon as taught by Lisa Bertolli’s parents when I taught in sunny Basildon. The extended family who somehow manage to survive on one customer were chuckling as they watched me . I have now learned to suck the noodles from chopsticks and am no longer the centre of attention unless where they see few foreigners, in which case I will still be preferred to the omnipresent TV.
HEALTH AND SAFETY
It depends on what you want. Despite the one party state and the justified concerns of AI, there is more freedom in daily life than in UK. They have yet to discover litigation and there are only a few cameras - most of which are concerned with traffic flow rather than spying.
It is not only doggy deposits you need to avoid on your morning jog around the park . Fortunately, there are less dogs here than back home. You may not be free to walk on the pavement but your motorcycle can use it to jump the traffic queue on the off-chance that nobody is selling noodles on that section of the pavement. There are traffic rules and traffic signals but still no cameras. I find it refreshing not to have to stop at every intersection in the middle of the night. While there are numerous accidents the city traffic is so slow that few are fatal. If you are unlucky enough to be injured, don’t rely on an ambulance; I have seen two ambulances written off and several failing to make headway as the motorcycles sneak into every gap on
the overcrowded roads. I have overtaken more than one flashing-light- ambulance on my bicycle.
Yet another American with 24 hours’ experience of life in Vietnam was celebrating the use of crash helmets. Let us give thanks that the average head is tougher than the average locally purchased crash helmet. I do not know whether the material is from free range or from factory eggs but if it has a Man Utd sticker for the boys or I love lipstick for the girls it is legal. Incidentally, children under the age of 12 are not obliged to wear helmets; nor do the “jack-the-lad” boys who zoom through red traffic lights and actually need a helmet. {you can spot them even when they are not risking their and your life on their bikes: they invariably have the rooster hairstyle - a modest version of mohican}
Since I wrote this blog I have seen two corpses which have diminished my love of anarchy on the roads. If one does not move one's motorcycle completely off the road to avoid oncoming 4 wheeled-vehicles one will be one more.
After a lot of miles in this country I still get dog lovers
many signs in north vietnam announcing "thit cho" even the occasional "thit meo" i hope you don't need a dictionary to work out "meo" - it's onomatopoeic surprised - the car that nearly hit me in the fast lane of a freeway - you don't really expect to meet a car coming the other way. The schoolchildren riding 3 abreast - also against the traffic - were less life-threatening
Back in Saigon I had a friendly banh my trung stall near my home. One day the man came to replenish the lady’s kerosene supply. He did so with a smile and cigarette. I have the photographs to support this.
There are wealthy foreign businessmen and their spouses around Ho Tay and other enclaves who miss all this but, unless you are among them or teach at an international school, you had better enjoy the anarchy.
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frere anak tom
frere anak tom
editing text and photos
some text missing and photos in the wrong place - this is not a complaint from a viewer it is a cry for help from the author! HOW TO EDIT?