The Longest Day


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Asia » Vietnam » Red River Delta » Hanoi
May 5th 2011
Published: May 5th 2011
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You know that scene from the film 'Planes, Trains and Automobiles' when Steve Martin and John Candy are driving THE WRONG WAY down the highway and they drive between 2 oncoming trucks, through a tiny narrow gap, nearly take the sides of the car off and then you see them both turn to skeletons for a second while screaming and as Steve Martin looks at John Candy (who is driving), he appears to him for a moment to be the devil incarnate as he drives him, laughing with glee into certain death? That scene? (you know what's coming don't you?)

I was supposed to be taking a local bus to Da Nang, 3 hours away to catch my midday plane, but it turned out there was some controversy about whether it would actually get me there on time (hollow laugh). I got a car instead. To be honest, I wasn't hugely disappointed. I think perhaps the local bus would have eclipsed the trials of the Da Nang waiting room with some style. (I had no idea that the airport would see both of them off....)

The driver turned out to be a man (well, boy) whom, if ever Vietnam had a Formula 1 entry, should be the driver, no contest. To say he was aggressive would be a euphemism. As we drove up a cliff road, one side a sheer drop, a slow lorry in front and a blind corner ahead, he pulled out - RIGHT INTO AN ONCOMING CAR. I remained commendably expressionless and only exuded the tiniest of squeaks although in my head I was making this noise: 'aaaaaagh! aaaaagh! aaaagh!'. It was like that the entire way. He made a 3 hour journey last 1 hour 45 minutes. And how pleased I was about that, because as we pulled into the airport at 9am, Jetstar texted me to say the flight had been delayed til 4pm. I could have taken a cyclo and been ok. Hell, I could have walked it, twice and still had time to browse round the airport tat.

You know that film, 'Terminal' where Tom Hanks plays the guy who has to live in the airport terminal for months because of some problem with his visa? It was a bit like that. And this wasn't a nice, plushy airport terminal. This was a hygienically challenged, low on facilities, ground zero of an airport terminal. Anyway, like Hanks, I had located my bit of airport to start showing off my DIY skills and handy talents. I had my eyes open for a bit of unrequited staff romance I could help by being a go-between. I hadn't yet spotted an air steward to fall helplessly in love with or been offered a job in the Pringles and naff souvenir shop, but I was working on it.

I'll draw a line through the next 7 hours. To be honest, I bet the director of 'Terminal' during the edit had a bit of a snooze at the back of the cutting room using his rucksack as a pillow.

One good thing happened. When I checked in , the lady looked at my passport and then at me and exclaimed, '40? You 40?!! I think you 28'. She then motioned to all the other staff in Departures to come over (it was a slow day) and marvel at my strange youthfulness. 'How old you think me?' she beamed. I sighed '24' I said wearily. She seemed disapointed. Yeah lady, that's my astonishing special power, guessing ages, rarely wrong.

I did find that having skin that sticks to your face and trousers that remain round your hips a great help in getting people to take you seriously in airports.

Arrived in Hanoi around 5pm. I'll also not go into what I wanted to do to the parents of the little boys that kicked the back of my seat repeatedly for 75 minutes....

I am staying in the French old quarter of Hanoi in a lovely hotel. The old quarter is a sprawling maze of tiny alleys and amazing shops. I went out for food and got instantly lost. It's also much cooler here. Wore my hair loose for the first time this holiday and just as I was writing that, it has started to rain and thunder.

Anyway, found a cool vegetarian restaurant, gave a cyclo driver a massive telling off in the street when he tried to cheat me (even wagged my finger) and got back in one piece.

I have three museums and a water puppet show to go to tomorrow.

I leave you with the sound of the rain falling outside. The red glow of the Chinese lanterns in the street distorted inoto a myriad shimmer of twinkling, glittering tinsel through the raindrops on my window.

And this is the first night I won't need air conditioning or even a cold shower before hitting the sack. Night night.

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5th May 2011

Your great at this
I (and I am sure others as not rose tinted ) just love reading these ! you need to add writing to your list of possible earning skills , we just need to find the right person / organisation to pay you for doing it !! Have a great day xxx

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