Peed on in Phi Phi

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NO PICTURES

Putting this up as only text as its way overdue, laptop isn't working due to random windows XP crash due to shitty Microsoft. I'll add pictures later when facilities allow, in the meantime if you see Bill Gates private jet flying overhead try scatter some pigeons at its engines, that should teach the wanker to develop some decent operating software.

windowssystem32configsystem

Getting this when I start up, repair doesnt work, safe mode doesn't work and my computer doesnt have a windows cd nor a cd drive to run one.

Any ideas welcome.

In the meantime...






I'm getting pissed on in Phi Phi, who would have thought?

Seconds after myself and Blondie found a guesthouse the sky went the color of tarmac and forks of lighting began to tickle the rocky green peaks that shoulder each end of this island.

The streets are flooded to shin height and the water appears to boil with the force of the rain.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be!

Phi Phi, the island where the film version of Alec Garlands Novel "The Beach" was filmed. This was a place I always wanted to go ever since I saw the film back when I was 16 in the Ormonde Cinema. My clearsil and drenched jaw dropped into my popcorn when I saw the cinematography. I dreamed of going there some day, hopefully with that piping hot french actress from the film.

12 years later i'm there but with Miss power, sure don't gentlemen prefer blond's but then the rain came, big rain, rain so bad that if you step outside you feel like the urinal cake in the Aviva mens room 5 minutes before half time.3 days, 2 paper backs the the knowledge of how many pieces of interlacing bamboo constitute the ceiling of the guesthouse later we woke up to what appeared to be a slightly overcast day that seemed dry enough to chance a trip to the Beach Island.

Phi Phi town is located on a narrow strip of land between two beaches infested with Ibiza style theme bars, overpriced eateries and about 30 dive shops. High points are the spider monkey that roams the streets dressed in human clothing. Also of note is that one of the bars, the Reggie bar, invites drinkers to try their look in their in house boxing ring against a Thai Boxer in exchange for free buckets, despite the fact that thai boxing is considered one of the most vicious hand to hand fighting styles in the world.

The strategy of tourism on Phi Phi is comparable to using dynamite to go fishing. Aside from this despite being potentially one of the most amazing beach settings possible the place has been overdeveloped within an inch of its life and pretty soon there's going to be nothing left. I took a walk up the back and saw whole areas of jungle being leveled to make way for more buildings. The theory here is to simply get as many bodies on board and to damn with the consequences. . Shame as they had such a nice island to begin with. Enjoy it while it lasts.


The bungalow like everything else in Phi phi is substandard and overpriced. The only interesting thing is the preference of mosquitoes, they obviously love the Blondies. Nimah goes to bed covered from head to toe in jungle strength repellent and covered in a sleeping bag liner and wakes up bitten all over. Yours truly on the other hand goes to sleep clad in only his boxer shorts and no repellent whatsoever ad wakes up without a single bite. Word of advice folks, why bring insect repellent when you can bring a distraction!

We meet Aishling and Denise, signed up for a tour of Ko Phi Phi leh, a small uninhabited island located about a 20 minute boat ride away from the bigger island we were staying on called Ko Phi Phi Don, the islands are nicknamed big and little Phi Phi but, I have taken to naming them little piss and racehorse piss

Our guide brought us via Long tailed boat, a large wooden boat with a prop mounted at the end of a six foot drive shaft. Little Pee is nearly completely surrounded by caves and is so small you would be hard pressed to set up your own drug field like the bad guys do in the novel and film. The trip was to entail snorkeling in two coves followed by a trip to the iconic beach itself.

Upon arriving at cove number one our environmentally aware guide flings his anchor onto some convenient coral and thereafter we were given the opportunity to do extreme snorkeling, which is just like normal snorkeling except while observing all the long destroyed reefs you have to avoid being decapitated by all the other tourist longboats traversing the cove at breakneck speed.

The second cave was a different matter, the water heaving with thousands of reef fish despite the fact that again all the boats were using the undersea corral for anchor purchase. We got to feed Sargent majors, parrot fish and all the manner of sea creatures and you could hear nimahs excited screeches from 15 feet underwater from the far end of the cove. Blondie was very excited at this point and only dieing to get a chance to swim with some sharks.

The next island was the Beach itself to reach it we had to scale a rope ladder while being pancaked against the cliff face by heavy sur, a task we managed to carry out with only a few cuts and a small amount of blood shed.

We found ourselves in a valley sheer cliffs loomed on either side lined with green foliage and jagged rock and began to follow the path to the beach which was thankfully free of any gun totting drug lords, crazy cliff jumps r hallucinations of Robert Caryle( Read the book and watch the film, both are brilliant and different from each other)

The beach wasnt as we expected, thousands of tourists had churned the sands to muck and remember those crystal clear waters you see in the film and on the postcards, well due to the number of powerboats the shore was the color cold tea and the only thing sparkling on the surface was the discharge from boat engines. Columns of powerboats would beach onto the surf zone and, twenty or so tourists would be dislodged from them onto the shore. behind those unloading lines upon lines could be seen powering into the bay. So relentless was the flow it was like a rehearsal for D Day only with Bermuda shorts replacing olive drab and khaki.

The final spot was monkey beach, a strip of sand inhabited by a troop of macaque monkeys. They beg for food, groom you for ticks if you stand close and as one poor Aussie on our tour group discovered, change their loving demeanor, hiss and chomp into your leg without provocation.

Bold monkeys.

The rest of the day was spent enjoying some much needed sun and quality time with my new friend Chang, he's asian, 10 inches tall and packs 6.4% alcohol per bottle, if your not careful you'll get into all sorts of trouble hanging out with Chang. Particularly when he pokes your head with a stick and forces you to drinks lots of water the next day.

Immediately thereafter the rain began and did not abate for 3 days. The only thing keeping us sane was playing endless rounds of Maltese shotgun/shithead, Aishling picked it up quickly and got very ruthless and watching bad quality pirate dvds, most of which stuttered out on the dvd player we hired when you apprach the final act.

The ferries are no longer running, the streets are so flooded in the rain the water appears to boil. Phi Phi is now taking the piss and we really want to leave.

Sorry about the disgraceful pun above, i couldn't help it!

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Photos

monkey
He Bites!

bucket
I wasnt smiling in the morning, hangover from hell.

The beach
Jam Packed!