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Published: July 17th 2006
DAY 1 The silence here had begun last night and so far I still have not said a single word. It has only been a day and I feel pretty tired. We got up at 4am and I have had 2 naps but somehow trying to learn to meditate and not to think about the past or the future is exhausting. Breakfast was horrible rice soup and lunch was ok. The food at the moment is my only concern; however I am confident that I can do the whole 10 days. I think the next 2 days will be the challenge but I am up for it. The dorm rooms are fine and I even slept well last night on the concrete bed and wooden pillow. The hardest thing is trying not to fall asleep whilst meditating.
WHY AM I HERE?
To have an open mind
Me time
Live simply
Relax
Be with nature I learnt how to do walking meditation and it’s easier to stay awake for. Even the instructors and coordinators fall asleep in the meditations which I noticed today, what a relief. There are plenty of insects and wildlife around and throughout the day I hear
the Gibbons calling, it’s so peaceful and calming. Today we also did our first chanting which was very calming, even though there was a thunderstorm and rain.
DAY 1-8 SCHEDULE 4:00* Rise and shine
4:30* Morning Reading
4:45 Sitting meditation
5:15 Yoga
7:00* Dhamma talk and sitting meditation
8:00 Breakfast and chores
10:00* Dhamma talk
11:00 Walking or standing meditation
11:45* Sitting meditation
12:30* Lunch and chores
2:30* Meditation instruction and sitting meditation
3:30 Walking or standing meditation
4:15* Sitting meditation
5:00* Chanting and loving kindness meditation
6:00 Tea and hot spring
7:30* Sitting meditation
8:00 Group walking meditation
8:30 Sitting meditation
9:00* Bedtime goodnight (9:15 gates close)
9:30 Lights out
* bell rings
In one session of meditating a lizard ran onto the concrete floor and as everyone was meditating not many people saw it. It first went onto guys cushion then scattered around scaring another guy and it then ran up the arm of another guy where he jumped and threw it off him. It was difficult not to laugh and it took me a while to get my focus back.
The silence thing is actually really good as all you have
in your head are your thoughts and the words of the monks and coordinators. There is no crap like TV, radio, newspapers, or friends and family to influence your thoughts and emotions. It’s all about right now. I am not meant to be thinking about the past or the future. JUST RIGHT NOW. And it’s easier said then done. I am sure over the next few days my mind will be calmer and less scattered with so many thoughts. I can tell by the way I am writing that my thoughts are scattered but at the same time I feel quite peaceful and relaxed, although I also feel quite hungry.
Live simply so that others may simply live The yoga this morning was quite good but I wish it was twice a day, considering we only meditate, chant and do walking meditation, there is not much physical activity going on.
Right now I am happy with myself, at ease, proud of myself, and strong.
I also love that we have bells to wake us in the morning and to remind us when we have to be meditating or eating.
Be satisfied with what I am 
The wooden pillow
yes i did say wooden. Copyright Laurie Martindoing right now. Live in the present. The past has already gone; the future is not here yet.
I just saw a huge gecko in the toilets. It was awesome and I wish I had my camera but it’s locked away with my ipod and munchies. I seem to not think about the past as much as I do the future.
I am hoping a few people can’t handle it and leave soon so there is more Ovaltine for me and more room to meditate, but I love these people, I did see one girl crying already.
Attachment leads to suffering
Without attachment to materialistic things or possessions, there will be no suffering
No suffering means happiness. DAY 2 Struggled to stay awake after yoga and breakfast was horrible again, it has a weird taste to it. I had three bananas which equals the size of a normal banana at home. The tiny lizards here all look like they are doing push ups on the trees!!!
Everyone at the moment is doing walking meditation but I can’t be bothered. I am too tired and am not sure if I am sleeping too much. Both days
now I have had 2 naps and still struggle to stay awake when TRYING to meditate.
It’s funny how much a smile communicates to another person. It lets you know that everything is ok and everyone is on your side as we are all the same. Some people here haven’t smiled at me yet, but perhaps it’s because I haven’t smiled at them. I will make the effort from now on. It’s been nice to have Megan to smile too. I only met her the day of the registration but we constantly smile at each other. She seems to be doing ok but I am not sure. I hope so. It’s funny also how different people smile differently at different times or for different things. You can ½ smile just as recognition, sometimes you can smile and the rest of your face isn’t really in it, so I question those kinds of smiles. You can smile with your eyes and I just had someone smile at me with their whole face and shoulders. That was a great smile that instantly made me smile back, and the world felt like a better place.
Right now I feel incredibly happy
The meditation hall again
with the beautiful mountains where the Gibbons would call from and joyous. My meditation before my chanting was the best yet.
I also forgot to mention that the boys and girls get separated in every way. We cannot eat together (separate tables), sleep in separate dorms, sit on opposite sides of the med hall, do yoga in separate halls, and we also have our own halls for walking med. The men are also not allowed to look at us. So much for picking up here!!! Hihihi
The Asian showering technique is also questionable. It def uses less water which is great but for some reason you can't do it in the privacy of the toilet cubicle. You have to do it with a sarong around you out in the courtyard of the dorms. It makes it difficult.
There was also a frog in my neighbours room. I heard her scream so I went to her rescue by safely putting it outside.
DAY 3 I don’t wanna do yoga on the concrete floor anymore. It hurts my neck and back and knees, I even have bruises on them. I can tell today is going to be tough, I already fell heavily asleep in med, and I am
really hungry too. You’ll never guess...breakfast was the same shitty disgusting sloppy food; however I found that if I put the lettuce in my mouth first then the slop it doesn’t taste as bad. Again 3 bananas. I am wearing my first pair of fisherman pants and they feel like my butt goes down to my knees. They are hard to go to the toilet in too.
Right now I could go a hot dog, coco pops, Milo, bread, pasta or even just some fried rice with lots of veggies and a banana shake. Also a choc pancake!!!
LOVING KINDNESS MEDITATION (the development of loving kindness meditation can help you to overcome anger, aversion, irritation, annoyance etc):
May I be well and happy
May I be peaceful and calm
May I be protected from danger
May I be free from all suffering
May my mind be free from hatred
May my heart be filled with love
May I find peace of mind I am curious about Raimond. He said the other day that he gets irritated at “hippies” sometimes when they go on about how many retreats they have done…Today however he looks like he fits right
in. He made me laugh when I saw him once again in the same spot doing his walking med in his orange top and purple pants. He looks like he is enjoying it but he doesn’t make hardly any eye contact with me. Only once have I seen him smile (he looks so serious all the time!!! Or perhaps he is just focused!) It’s even funnier as he has fluffy hair too, (mine is shocking at the moment!!!)
I am getting so many mozzie and ant bites that it’s not funny, some of them really hurt too.
I don’t think there is one person here who is not hungry. You can hear everyone’s tummies rumbling whilst we are meditating, even the coordinators. Its more like they are trying to torture us, there’s living simply but we all need to eat.
Tan Dhammavidu (the funny British monk) did a really good talk today; he made a great point in reference to careers, “why do we have to be important?” I think that’s a problem with society, we all want to be noticed and feel like we are important. Makes me remember when I was younger, always wanting things
and wanting attention; probably why I wanted to be an actress!!! Thankgoodness that is no longer me!!!
After the talk I spoke a sentence to my neighbour (the first one so far) and she responded by telling me that I was going to hell. I laughed out loud and I think everyone in the med hall heard me!
This place would be so boring if I wasn’t amusing myself and making everything seem funny, like the food tasting like shit. I just laugh it off to the girls and they seem to be doing the same. It’s all a bit silly really. Airy fairy at times too. Sometimes I feel like telling everyone to FEEL THE FORCE LUKE.
I think we are all meditating too much and I was putting too much pressure on myself to do it properly, but in all honesty, I am happy with my life. Yes I can get stressed and all fired up but I like to feel the rush, I like to go out and dance. I think I have a fair idea of who I am and am no longer going to worry if I am doing it wrong. No
big deal. Just use this time to chillax, think about things, lose a bit of weight (!!!!) and reflect on my journey so far. So what if I think about the past or the future. That’s so normal and I don’t see what’s wrong with it. The past is what’s made me who I am today and is directing where I want to go in the future.
Some of the time this feels like a waste of time.
Just then in group walking med, whilst looking at the stars, I noticed flashes of lightning behind me. I turn around to see an unbelievable sight of a lightning storm inside a cloud. It was nature at its best. Next thing everyone else was watching. Naturally this interrupted getting back to med and when the coordinator guy (Khun Reinhard) went around blowing out the candles he told the remaining few of us who were lagging behind watching, that med was about looking inside not outside and to go and meditate. Well I didn’t like this at all so I decided to skip it (only 15mins left anyway), but that made me quite peed off. My kind of med would have been to sit there and watch that. Isn’t med about being with nature? Well that was a perfect opportunity for that.
The Thai music is playing in the distance again. I can hear it in my room. It’s calling to me. I am curious as to what I am missing on the outside world. I am sure that once I am outta here I will be glad that I did it. I just want to listen to some music, read, play a bit of sport, sit around and talk and laugh, I have had to think about the past to make me laugh. I miss laughing the most.
DAY 4 I don’t want to die curious. There are so many things I want to do in this world, try, experience, just live it, as I want to and as I know how. Moo style. And I am gunna do it all, or die trying at least hihihi.
Well its day 4 and its harder to get up in the morning, I even had to force myself to do yoga and I am glad I did as I felt better afterwards.
At brekky Megan and I did some whispering and it felt so good. We both agreed that we don’t stop thinking when we meditate, so I am glad it’s not just me. She doesn’t seem to be eating very much, I hope she is ok.
Everyone here walks so slowly. Slow to med, slow to eat, slow to bed. It’s frustrating me as I like to walk fast. I can’t think of a time I would want to walk slow. I know there is no real hurry or deadline to meet, they are just too relaxed I think. I walk pretty fast when its ovaltine time as I want to make sure that I get 2 cups. Selfish maybe and the hunger and desire and want is taking over but it’s the best tasting thing we get all day.
I just had a nap instead of listening to a med instruction. I knew I would have fallen asleep so better to be asleep in bed then sitting upright. I also did some tattoo drawings, which I am not supposed to be doing, but I am gunna go crazy if I don’t.
I feel so lazy, which makes me feel tired all the time. Not doing anything all day, I am so bored.
I was just having a very quite whisper with my neighbour about which design of my tattoos she liked the best. I happened to laugh out loud (I guess like I normally do…oopps) and out of her room comes the serious mediator who has been here and done this before. She makes a noise for us to hear her before marching over to us. We knew we were in trouble and then she tells us (among other things) that this is a meditating retreat and that we should go elsewhere, we are distracting people. I apologised and packed up my stuff before she stormed off. I couldn’t help but laugh and neither could my neighbour. She obviously comes to these things all the time as she is a very fired up lady. She doesn’t need med, she needs drugs. My neighbour said that it made her want to talk more!!! Pretty funny stuff. Talk about moo stirring the pot. Naughty moo. I should have told her to breath in long and out long (in the words of Tan Ajahn Poh - yoga teacher)
The stars were awesome here again both in the morning and night. Thinking about the boys (nephews) again like normal. I hope they are both well. No talking for me tomorrow, too much today.
RULE 23/23 of the Hermitage
Mosquitoes, ants, frogs, snakes, butterflies, geckos, birds, squirrels, bats, spiders, centipedes and scorpions are among the most common creatures living in this area. They have been living here long before us and they have the same rights to be here as we do. Be kind to our friends and be careful not to hurt them or yourself DAY 5 This place really sucks and is really getting to me. I don’t want to be here anymore. I am going insane. I just want to do my own thing like write in this journal and take notes and I just pretty much got in trouble for it and now I am really pissed off as Khun Reinhard just made me cry. Something I told myself I didn’t want to do. He said I should be using this time to go inside myself, not outside, but writing these things helps me go inside. And this whole idea of not having a “self” is really upsetting my ideas about “myself” and what life is to me. All they talk about is Dukkha and death. I think these Buddhists need to lighten up and think a bit more optimistically. He told me when in my lifetime am I going to get 10 days of peace and quite. I should have told him when I am dead which is inevitably going to happen…
So much for not talking today. I haven’t just spoken to my neighbour and Megan, I have also spoken to others. Mainly regarding the whiteboard in the girls dorms. The serious fired up meditator wrote “IMPORTANT. SILENCE IS: Not talking, No meetings with your girlfriends, No laughter, No giggling, No slamming doors. Don’t ruin it for others who are trying to build up concentration to get the most of this retreat.” Someone else then wrote in different colour “Where is it gone. The loving kindness?” I couldn’t help but laugh. I really wanted to write lighten up on there but knew she would have known it was me. But in talking to some of the girls and telling them it was me they said laughing is good for you and not to worry about her. She is one crazy lady.
So I was feeling a little better but now I feel much better as I was reading my travel journal and laughing at some of the things I have done. Go the moo.
My neighbour told me before group med that she will be leaving tomorrow. I told her that we should chat after med. After med she told me that she had changed her mind and we had a bitch session about the retreat. We both feel so much better.
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Marilyn Darling
non-member comment
Brave Girl!
You are so brave Amanda doing this meditation thing. I have always wanted to try it but you know how I talk so think it would drive me mad. I am confused as just received this latest news from you and it was written back in April why is that?? Am wondering where you are now? Hope all went well and you lasted but it wouldnt matter if you didnt because at least you did try it better than most. We are still in shock over Aussies being robbed at World Cup. We're all OK. Take care and much luv from The Darlings x x